When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

[NovemberRain23]

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

My parents would always happily pay for me, my DH and our DC and my brother but I wouldn't dream of expecting them to pay all the time and we often pay as well. I don't think there was ever an expectation but it probably started since I moved out.

We are all always happy to pay for one another though. It's never a split bill, always one person / couple will pay.

My DP earns twice my income. He never stopped working when his children were small whereas I worked and also had full caring responsibilities which limited my income.
He wants to eat out so he pays is the crux of it really. I mostly can't afford it so wouldn't suggest going out. Of course I offer to pay when I can afford it.
I pay special occasions and for my children or parents if is my invite.
I just thought the lack of any interest in paying anything from the children was odd. No buying a round even.

Started offering to pay once working full time post uni. When my sister was still with us we generally took turns. Now it's just me, and dads retired I usually pick up the tab unless he's treating me for my birthday or something.

We split the bill evenly between the table included my son (21). My step daughter is only 14 but once she is working unless it's her birthday ect she can pay for her own meal.

This happens in our family. I feel it’s a generational thing, to do with the older family members having more available cash. I see a difference between those people over the age of about 50 & who own their own homes, compared to those who are younger & have to rent. The older family members have often benefited from the housing boom from 25 years ago &/or paid off the mortgage, they might still be working or have a company pension. The younger family members have been hit by the cost of living increases ie high rents, massive increases of cost of things like driving lessons, student loan repayments, food price increases. The younger family just don’t have the spare cash, it’s not that they don’t want to pay for meals & treat their elders.

We take mum on days out and for treats etc but my dad is super low maintenance and enjoys a pint but he would never allow us to buy him a pint.
He pays when we go out for a meal or socialising. But he likes for us to offer to pay now and again so we’re not seen to be taking the piss 😂.
It reminds me of a scene in the Sopranos and Tony gets a cob on when his daughters BF pays for their meal and he says when you’re with me I pay, when you have your own family you pay.

Never.
I am 48 on a decent wage
My mum and dad are retired and struggle.
Still I cannot pay for a meal out. They get really offended.

My parents hate us (late 30s) paying for anything - they see it a waste of inheritance tax I think if they're not allowed to spend their money (boomers who bought their house cheaply in the 80s and both had professional jobs and pensions).

I will insist every so often that somethings on me but they don't like it! So it's more of a token gesture.

I think step and blended families are a different dynamic as much as you can love step children you are a lot more focused on what's fair and it can seem like your dp spending on their own kids is taking away from your blood family's pot. Tread carefully!

We still always pay when we go out with our kids in their thirties.
We have more disposable income than they do so happy to pay.

It's all very well paying behind someone's back. But that idea comes over as kindness = money, which it absolutely doesn't.

You also have to be sensitive not to offend. To some people doing that looks like you are implying they can't pay. You have to gauge the situation and be sensitive to that also

This 😂

This is so lovely.

With my side (DM and StepDDad when he was alive) we’re always trying to be the one that pays - and do the trying to be the 1st to pay!

Paying for things doesn’t really occur to my MIL. She’s financially very comfortable but is used to be the one that’s treated - and I think as money isn’t an issue for her it just doesn’t factor into her thinking at all. When FIL was alive he used to pay for meals.

My DC….teen and uni….no chance of paying yet! 😂

That's pretty dreadful actually. My 16 year old son bought both my ex and I the odd little treat unasked last summer when he was working. Like I'd come home and there'd be a bar if chocolate in the fridge that he'd bought while at the shops. I appreciated it and thanked him but didn't go overboard, to my mind that is really nice snd thoughtful behaviour but something I would be hoping and expecting to see as a young person transitions into adulthood. I would have spoken up a very long time ago in your case! Could you not say it to your son???

but any respectful child would go out their way and pay bill by way or pretending to go the loo etc

Some parents would be incredibly offended if their child did this, though.

Also, spending money on someone ≠ respect.

It reminds me of a scene in the Sopranos and Tony gets a cob on when his daughters BF pays for their meal and he says when you’re with me I pay, when you have your own family you pay

I think that sums it up beautifully, and also answers some posters ‘but when’ question. I’m going to put that one in my back pocket in case a kids partner ever tries that on🤣.

DCs are all mid/late 30s.

Still waiting.

Would you explain to them that it would be a nice gesture, and that you would appreciate them doing so?

This does read like you’re happy for your kids to benefit when he pays but take exception when you need to pay.

for us, I will pay for mine as long as I can afford it.

Taking turns makes the most sense to me unless either party is in a bad way financially.

I'd be embarrassed to have my Mother pay for me every time. It's only fair to treat her too imo.

Mine are 22,24 and both have partners. All working, we generally split bills unless it's a treat.

The other side of the coin is that many parents are much better off than their children and would be mortified to sit there and get their meal paid for as a result.

My parents have much more money than I do and while we don't struggle, there's no way they would sit back and allow us to pay for a meal while they have thousands (and thousands) sitting in the bank.

For meals out I wouldn't expect a contribution but for birthdays etc I would expect them to be buying their own gift for their party.

*parent not party 🤦🏽‍♀️

I think it's important to let your kids pay occasionally. Let them show some consideration.

DD has had a part time job since she was 15 and once in a while likes to treat me to a coffee and cake. A couple of times a year she'll take her dad to Spoons for breakfast.

It makes her feel grown up even though she's at uni now and we have to top up her loan.