Have you ever suffered from limerence?

[Mummysgogetter]

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

Limerance and love languages are two loads of bollocks I only ever see on here 😂

What a really useful post there. Good work.

I think I have. A few years ago I was a single mum and also pregnant. I was a bit lonely and started talking to a man online. We talked all the way through my pregnancy and planned what was going to happen in our future. He was the first person I'd think to tell something, and was like my " rock". I know that if I hadn't felt so low at the time, he wouldn't have got so intertwined in my life.
I had the baby and we met up a few weeks later. Things seemed to be going well. He seemed infatuated with me and I thought he was the one for me. Then just out of nowhere, he ended it all by text saying he liked everything about me but "couldn't do it".
It took me a long time to get over and I went over and over in my head wondering what the problem was. It's east to see now that he wasnt prepared to take on three kids but at the time I was so upset as he had seemed really into me. I wish he'd just been honest as it would have given me closure, but for a long time he was all I could think about. I regret meeting him as during the time I had a newborn, I was hung on some guy I wouldn't even look twice at now. It was all for the best though as he wasn't the right man for me and I'm now happily married.

I had it all my life in one way or another.

its horrible. The last time it took over my life but I was in a bad place and it had a really strange thing of making me happy and sad at the same time because I thought it wasn’t reciprocated ( he never knew how I felt)

we did end up getting together but only after I fully accepted to myself that it was what it was.

we married too and we were very happy for 3 years until he passed away.

Ah I'm so sorry @blackheartsgirl

You found the true love in the end.

This is happening to me right now. My colleague at work.

I first met him 3 years' ago and honestly, he just looked like an average, mid-fifties man - no attraction whatsoever. He mildly flattered me a few times and flirted, but still nothing from my side. Then, one day I was thinking "I'm not as attractive any more, no-one fancies me", and then I remembered HIM and the attention he had been giving me and BAM - crush first of all, then down the path of the highest highs and devastating lows. I think when he got some signs off me, he ramped up the flirting and then backed off or didn't do as much but by then I was hooked.

I cannot leave my job because it is very convenient for me and I enjoy my work but I am trying to go low contact. I try to avoid him by not looking at him when he comes into my office and generally being away from him but he then tries to get my attention coming to my office multiple times a day and by forcing me to speak to him (I don't have to have any dealings with him really) by asking me questions. I need to get angry at him really. I wish I could back to how I felt about him before.

Yes 100% this has happened to me / is currently active.

I wasn't aware that it's a buzzword or known about but I recommend Alan Robarge's social media for anyone struggling. He's really the best. I should take my own advice and work his recovery steps as this is a very painful and traumatising condition.

I never thought this could happen to me as I've had many many relationships over the years, I never wanted to 'settle down' and knew I didn't want kids. I had a wide range of all sorts of romantic / sexual relationships with many people over the years, the longest any stuck were around the 3 year mark and they tended to fade out, no drama.

Approx 7 years ago when I was in early recovery from addiction (I had been heavily using drink & drugs since early teens and slipped into chronic addiction), I met someone female, same sex relationship, via a dating app who I really liked and we seemed a great match. In fact we were definitely a great match, we had a lot in common and got on well together. But she had some sort of 'Relationship OCD' (only just found out about this, worth looking up) and was intermittently quite verbally and psychologically abusive, very critical. She would 'switch' from loving and easy going and committed to the relationship to hateful and suddenly end the relationship out of the blue with no discussion - silent treatments and ghosting.

I was distraught as I thought she was my soulmate. Especially in sobriety and wellness, I wanted a functional relationship. But we'd always get back together with her assurances that it was going to work this time. I'm a very calm, zero drama, stable, what you see is what you get, open, honest, straightforward person as I'm ASD so I can't really comprehend head games and subterfuge. Being in active addiction obviously I was not well and all that's long behind me I've worked a 12 step prog, I'm well and healthy, it's over. I do not care for provocative, dramatic, high conflict people and my ex was 50% of the time being that and 50% being my idea of perfection. It was crazymaking.

Anyway I ended the relationship when she verbally abused me a step too far, said some cruel and hateful things (slightly drunk). I hadn't intended to end it, just call it out, but she then silent treatmented me and that's that, never spoken to her since. And this is where the trauma bond and the limerence set it. It's been 5 years and I'm not 'over it'. I could elaborate more if nec. Suffice to say I haven't been able to have another relationship and I check her public social medias all the time - worse she seems to be using those to 'communicate' with me (I am not psychotic, this is very real).

I come from a background of extreme neglect, violence, abuse, dysfunction. Both my parents were profoundly mentally ill and my childhood was just horrific. I have PTSD from my childhood. So, I think it's clear to see there's a direct link between parental abuse and neglect, then later being vulnerable to these type of relationships, trauma bonding and limerence. I see the link. What to do? Huh take my own advice and start doing what Alan Robarge suggests I think as 5 years now is way too long.

Also what to do, I never ever 'act on it', ie I am not a stalker, I would never rock up where she is, never go to her home, never ring her up / text her, approach other people mutual friends about her, or do anything proactive to bump into her. I do look at her public profile as it's quite baffling that she's clearly mimicking / echoing / responding / making statements out into the ether to me... it's all very odd. But I need to get over it. Advice and suggestion and criticism welcome.

limerance is very complex. It’s linked to many things like obsessiveness, anxiety , ocd etc, and is effectively a person is missing something in their life and someone shows a minimal interest in them , even just being friendly in passing, and the person then becomes obsessed with them and can’t move past it, it consumes their thoughts and lives.

it must be very difficult for the person suffering from this mental health issue and yes, if the subject of it was to know, it would be very creepy and concerning for them.

stalking is clearly just another step forward from that. Some even go so far as thinking they should be together or are together.

overall it’s not a term to be bandied about lightly.

I have had intense crushes for pretty much my whole life. They're not like feeling a bit giggly around someone, they take over your whole life. I am an intelligent person and I get self esteem from my professional work and relationships with my family, children, friends. This idea that it's always bored, middle aged housewives who's husbands work too much is bollocks. It's all consuming, it defies logic.
I've cried on the way home from work on many a Friday, knowing I won't see my limerence object for another two days. As if two days spent not working, having fun plans, seeing my beautiful children aren't enough, when rational me knows that of course they are. It's just not the 'high' of seeing my LO and interpreting their emails or eye contact over and over and reading minuscule details as signs of affection. But with that are lows too.
For me, I think there is a personality aspect. I'm pretty obsessional anyway, listen to the same songs and albums over and over. I binge eat. I get a lot of sensory stimulation from being obsessional. The feeling of being in limerence is like tiny electric shocks over your body. It's not like love, it's more intense than that because there is absolutely no stability with it. Your whole view of yourself is reliant on these tiny signs of possible reciprocity which you interpret.
It's horrible but thrilling at times too. I'm not sure what the answer is. I left work partly to stop contact with mine and four months later it's still there.

The crying on the way home...I get all of what you're saying.

@DustyRhodesYell You've gone no contact with your object of affection and the obsession is still there? Oh my, that sounds very rough. Hope you get your peace of mind soon x

...and the agony of when they don't turn in for work and you're thinking if they felt the same, they would come to work hell or high water lol

In stone cold reality - the very obvious solution is to find a different piano tutor as this is unlikely to stop.

Also it's very easy for married people (I'm not just going to blame men here) to be flirtatious and charming from within the safety of their marriage, knowing that they will never act on it. However, for the single person longing for a loving relationship to be on the receiving end of this mild flirtation and what could possibly be absolutely genuine sexual attraction (it's just not going to be acted on) then it's tortuous.

The other way would be to 're-frame' it, spend a lot of time working through accepting that this guy is not available but he is flirty and it's never going anywhere. If that can become manageable, it's just a laugh and light hearted flirty banter.

I would say that IMO this maybe does not meet the definition of limerence as it's very real and active and might not be keying into trauma / abandonment issues so much as just be (sexually) frustrating and toying with affection.

Oh yes, I can empathise with thought processes like those…..

When I told the person involved that I couldn’t see them anymore and why, I wonder what they’d have thought if I had told them the full truth about my insanity. I gave them a quick gloss over and kept it quite simple but I imagine if I had been more honest with them about the depth of what was going on they’d have been absolutely terrified.

I think the film Fatal Attraction depicts very well what Limerence is….

Thank you so much for this - I need it!

Just to point out that most people here are spelling 'limerence' incorrectly - basically it's all the 'e's and not any 'a'.

So the website is www.livingwithlimerence.com

Not being snarky, am grateful for this link.

@Mummysgogetter “So go on, tell me about your current object?? How did this all start etc?” Thank you for asking 🥰
Weekend away in a big group. Including me and DH and potentialaffairpartner without his DW. Known him 30 years. I’ve been monogamous 30 years and as with all the group friendly and very flattering to each other. Never a hint of flirting or playing away from any of the 10 couples in the group. Everyone very drunk, except me and whole atmosphere very jolly. I was getting attention from him and another old friend and then now crush badgered me to dance and held me very close and breathed/ smooched into my neck. From no interest/ awkwardness I could have climbed him like a tree and I’ve been aroused since. We’re on a couple of big group WhatsApp’s and I’ve been mentioned a few times inc by him in a “great night poor affairnot putting up with us all sober/ lucky not being hungover” Scrolling through pictures of the weekend he’s by me and looking at me in all the photos. We’re both very attractive and well matched.
As I say I usually see him a couple of times a year in a big group so I’d have to do a lot to make anything happen. When this happened last year with boss it wasn’t so intense but very difficult seeing him every day.

@Affairnot that's not limerence, that's the start of an affair IMO.

@Affairnot that sounds very difficult to deal with. At least my limerent other is miles away and not anyone close

I think for it to be limerence it has to be unspoken between the two people. If you get into it, you're just having a relationship together. It's not a thick bold line, but once the feelings are expressed, it is something else.

I've had it once and it was all consuming. Every waking moment. I was obsessing to the detriment of my health.

Time and distance will make it fade.

Yes.
I’m not contacting him and will seriously consider not attending the next meet up in December. At the moment nothing has been acknowledged. He made a pass, I froze. But I’ve been obsessing about the incident ever since.

Do you regret not making the move @Affairnot?

I do, which is awful, but I shut him down a couple of times and really regret now not finding out.

I dunno about this as my 'limerence' came on after classic case of 'love bomb' - 'devalue' - 'discard' - 'hoover' cycles from someone I was very much in a relationship with and who claimed to adore me. I was then trauma-bonded but the limerence set in after the ending of the relationship.

She is absolutely a narcissist, although fairly benign, I do mean actual certifiable NPD which I put down to being an only child of confusing but privileged people and felt quite sad for her about.

And sadly for me, I come from a background of trauma and abuse. I self-abandoned in this relationship somewhat and didn't confront her abusive comments head on - which to be fair to her, could have been done with humour and not defensiveness. Like 'really, you're going to speak to me like that!?' and then laugh.

She claimed she was trying to hold on to me so hard it was like holding a bar of soap with wet hands, the more you squeeze it the further it slides away. I didn't feel like that. I felt harangued, criticised, psychologically toyed with, regularly abandoned, and totally distraught on a regular basis. When you look at those thoughts and feelings, they probably do match abuse from my parents. So it's deeply psychological and Alan Robarge says the limerence isn't real, it's just an echo of the primary wound which is the childhood abuse, neglect, and abandonment - so he says we heal that and the limerence will stop.

I think a lot of what is being discussed here is crushes, escapism, fantasy, and is really honestly totally normal human behaviour. Limerence is a pathological dis-ease of the mind.

Do I regret not responding? It would have lead to a punch up I suspect. There was a sliding doors moment earlier in the evening when we’d both gone separately back to the hotel to change and when I mentioned he had a different shirt on a from another friend. If we’d met in the lift before…
The reason I’m thinking limerence not start of an affair is my obsessing over it- other friends from that night have uncharacteristically been less chatty this week- I’m thinking they know more than I do (that’s an example of my overthinking obsessing rather than likely to be the truth)
Are you in a relationship? The elephant in the room for me is that there are four kids and two spouses.

I agree.

Limerence is unspoken and definitely not acted on.

Limerence lives only inside the imagination of the person who is obsessed about someone else.

There is nothing real or tangible about it.