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Original poster

I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

217 replies

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 30/09/2023 13:23

I am really sorry for your loss. These people do not sound like friends and it’s good that you have found a new bunch. Do the old crowd know you know about their secret holiday?
I would want to tell them that given they showed a lack of compassion I have found new friends and to mind their own bloody business!

snatchabook · 30/09/2023 13:25

They sound utterly awful OP. And you found out at the worst possible time. I'm not surprised you're so angry at this either, how dare they?! Be angry for a little while but be sure not to give them too much more of your mental energy, they don't deserve it xx

coloursquare · 30/09/2023 13:28

The old crowd sound awful, OP. I know it's no help, but you are well rid of them. Personally I would just cut them off completely. Best wishes for the future - you deserve much better friends.

FraidyPuss · 30/09/2023 13:30

Old friend is odd.

Does she think you should sit weeping in a corner for the next decade?

Go out, enjoy seeing the new friends. In the midst of grief you can still have time to socialise and take tentative steps to move on. Best to you.

BaronessBomburst · 30/09/2023 13:32

What reasons did she give?
What reasons could she possibly have given?!

WinterDeWinter · 30/09/2023 13:36

I'm really sorry that your husband died OP, that must have been incredibly awful.

I absolutely would not be able to hold back from letting them all have it with both barrels on the Whatsapp group. I would almost just c&p your post here.

You have nothing to lose - you couldn't really trust any of them anyway, and at least this way you might find out if any of them are worth a second chance if they approach you with a sincere apology.

Strokethefurrywall · 30/09/2023 13:41

Agree that you should say something. You have nothing to lose by letting them know how their opinions aren't welcome in your life. They weren't there supporting you during the darkest time in your life, and have no say in how you choose to heal now.

I'd throw in a few more "fucks" though, and drive home the message.

So sorry you lost your husband OP x

Mariposista · 30/09/2023 13:41

Your old friends sounds absolute scum OP. I am so sorry at this double loss (yes, losing friends when you realise they serve no positive purpose in your life can hurt as much as a bereavement).
FWIW, I don't think they should even have gone on the holiday, let alone made it secret. I am part of a close group of friends and we would never organise something right over when one of us was grieving - we would have put it on hold, no questions asked, and done something all together later.

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:45

Let me guess, there's a 🥂WhatsApp Group🥂

😆

smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 13:46

Oh god OP id let rip at them!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2023 13:46

I’m not normally one for calling people out but in this case I’d be tempted to text the bloke from the old group and say something like

“You and your wife lost the right to pass judgement on any part of my life when you cut me off without a word and started sneaking round behind my back when DH died. Don’t think I don’t know. Don’t think I’m not furious about it. And so, and I mean this without any respect whatsoever, fuck off you sanctimonious wanker”.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/09/2023 13:48

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking As if you're a doll they take off the shelf. Did it occur to her you have a mind of your own?

I sincerely hope he told her to get to fuck with her unwanted opinions. Presumably that was why you didn't get to go on the holiday - they foisted their conception of 'what's right' for a widow to do onto you.

Not surprised you're angry. You have every reason to be. what is it about bereavement that gives every arsehole the right to air their opinions on the social niceties of it?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/09/2023 13:53

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

Really?

I would think having lost her husband and entire social support network from their shared friends before the funeral had even happened would have had something to do with it, don't you?

Anyhow, I'd cut them off and have nothing more to do with the first bunch. They weren't there when they were needed and tried to dictate how the OP behaved through sneaky manipulations to keep her isolated and alone.

gamerchick · 30/09/2023 13:53

Personally I think you may feel better telling this old friend what you think of her and the rest of them. Tell them to but the fuck out of your life.

donquixotedelamancha · 30/09/2023 13:54

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What reason did she give for such a bizzare suggestion?

donquixotedelamancha · 30/09/2023 13:54

gamerchick · 30/09/2023 13:53

Personally I think you may feel better telling this old friend what you think of her and the rest of them. Tell them to but the fuck out of your life.

Yeah, this.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/09/2023 13:54

I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

Lucky that this thread isn't about you and what sits right with you, then.

Inkpotlover · 30/09/2023 13:56

Another vote here for letting rip at the old friend and crowd. They have no right to dictate who you go out with when they lied to you and let you down at the worst point of your life.

Bored1000 · 30/09/2023 13:57

Why would old friend say something like that, what was their motive?
I would call them and tell them you heard what they said and then quizz them on why they said it, I would then casually mention secret holiday and that you felt they didn’t support you in a time of need

SavBlancTonight · 30/09/2023 13:57

I am struggling to get my head around why anty random bloke, friend, family, enemy or complete stranger, thinks its OK to tell someone else they shouldn't take you for drink?! What am I missing?

I suspect the secret holiday was because they didn't want to upset you. Shitty behaviour but surprisingly common. I remember someone saying to me once that they didn't like to ask how I was doing after my mum died as they didn't want to bring up a difficult subject. One even said she didn't want to "remind me" (like I had forgotten?!).

Brilliantlydone · 30/09/2023 13:59

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

How strange. What's wrong with having a group of friends?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/09/2023 14:00

Bored1000 · 30/09/2023 13:57

Why would old friend say something like that, what was their motive?
I would call them and tell them you heard what they said and then quizz them on why they said it, I would then casually mention secret holiday and that you felt they didn’t support you in a time of need

Because when someone is bereaved the world and its dog not only has an opinion on how bereaved person should or shouldn't be leading their life, they feel the urgent need to share it. Don't go out, it's too soon. Don't date, it's disrespectful. Don't do this. Do that. It's like mourning never moved on from the Victorians in some people's heads.

Bearpawk · 30/09/2023 14:01

So sorry for your loss op and glad you've found a new social circle.
Did the old friend say WHY the new friends shouldn't be taking you out drinking? Clutching at straws here but do they think you drink too much or something ?

Gazelda · 30/09/2023 14:01

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

Do you feel better for having judged how someone lives their life? You're just like OP's ex friend.

OP, I think a 'once and for all' message to your former friends is called for. To say how hurt and excluded you felt right at the time when friends would ordinarily be expected to step up and show support. But that you've been able to develop new friendships and activities. Please don't interfere with something that gives me a bit of happiness. And don't contact me again, you've lost the right to call yourself a friend of mine.

Then block them and put them out if your mind. They are history.

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