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Original poster

I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

217 replies

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 30/09/2023 15:10

Lovely advice from @HarpieDuJour . So sorry for your loss Harpie, and for the loss of your DH, op.

Get these vile people out of your life!

Lastchancechica · 30/09/2023 15:14

I am so sorry you lost your dh what an awful loss to endure. I would tell your old friends to stay out of your life indefinitely for sure and continue enjoying your new friends. I can’t believe they did that to you, it’s disgusting and you have every right to feel angry and sad.

Send them something like this:

‘At a moment in my life when my world fell apart and dh died it was not lost on me that you all left me behind and went on a secret holiday. I am glad dh was not around to see the hurt you have caused.

I am now getting on with my life in the best way I can, and I ask you not to contact me ever again. I am beyond disappointed that you were never the friends we thought you were. Best wishes op’

JudgeRudy · 30/09/2023 15:14

Vent away, I can understand your frustration but try not to let it become anger. Unless you're a really bad judge of character, or your old friends have all mysteriously had personality transplants, there's a good chance that they're not bad people, they've just mishandled things. It's likely that none of them will have much experience of dieing friends and grieving widows....so they've pulled together and made group decisions. One (incorrect) assumption was that you wouldn't want to be 'partying' so close to his death hence the decision not to include you in the group holiday. As it now seems to them that is what you're doing with you're new friends they may feel they're protecting you, and that 'distracting' yourself is just 'sweeping it under the carpet' and you're not coming to terms with things.
Don't be too harsh on them. I'm sure if you were to contact each of them individually/as couples the response would be different. Ask if you can come over one evening just to share some memories/tears.
I think we are all ill prepared for bereavement but also not so good at dealing with others grief. I think in time you'll forgive them for getting it wrong. Tell them what you need x

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/09/2023 15:21

Have you spoken to the old group about them hiding the holiday from you? Or asked the nosey bint why she's interfering? If not I wouldn't mince words in putting them straight that they have shown true colours and are no longer part of your life. Have they had much contact with you since funeral?

Mischance · 30/09/2023 15:23

My husband died 3 years ago and I can't begin to tell you how much your post resonates with me, and how much I want to send a handhold.

You are absolutely right to be angry. I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking. - this is utterly bizarre and totally unacceptable. It is bad enough that these old "friends" let you down so badly without them interfering in your life.

The whole secret holiday business is so sad - what did they think they were doing? Did they want to have a jolly time "unburdened" by any unhappiness? - and if so what sort of friends would do that?

It is sad when old friends who knew your husband drop away - they are precisely the people you would like to share memories with. New friends are great, but they do not have the back-story in the same way.

What is it about the perfectly normal (even if sad) process of life coming to an end that sends some people running for the hills? Our very oldest friends, with whom we shared many family holidays and happy times, have been the least supportive. They came to the funeral but then went silent. I have been in touch a couple of times with little satisfactory effect - a short phone call or, in one instance "Did you want something in particular?" - ouch!

I have lots of lovely new friends who are kind and caring and would not see me hurt for the world - but the old ones dropping away is very painful and hurts still.

I guess some people simply cannot handle it. It is not you; it is them who have the problem. Enjoy your new friendship group.

itsgoodtobehome · 30/09/2023 15:23

Is there a reason why the old friend would say that you shouldn't be going out drinking? Do you have a history of alcohol abuse or anything like that? Just wondering whether it might have been done from a place of concern, rather than an attempt to stop you socialising with your new friends?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/09/2023 15:24

"Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces."

Vent away. But don't let it stop you from exploding in their faces either, it sounds as if they thoroughly deserve it.

Fiddlerdragon · 30/09/2023 15:24

Have you posted about this a few times before op? Your friend was supposed to bake a cake or something for the wake and then didn’t bother?

Pallisers · 30/09/2023 15:24

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

if this is your response to the OP then I'm surprised you can find one friend still less a group of them.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/09/2023 15:24

I’m so sorry for your loss op. And for the behaviour of your ex-friends. People can be twats.

Confront them if it will make you feel better, but don’t feel you have to. Thankfully you’ve found a good tribe and you can leave these judgemental people behind.

wildwestpioneer · 30/09/2023 15:27

I think I would let rip ! How dare she say something along the lines of this to your friends. She's no friend so there's no need to keep the peace.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 30/09/2023 15:27

itsgoodtobehome · 30/09/2023 15:23

Is there a reason why the old friend would say that you shouldn't be going out drinking? Do you have a history of alcohol abuse or anything like that? Just wondering whether it might have been done from a place of concern, rather than an attempt to stop you socialising with your new friends?

Also wondering this.

Sorry for your loss OP. The secret holiday was definitely not cool.

WinterDeWinter · 30/09/2023 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gloriously · 30/09/2023 15:29

I am sorry for your loss @Mountainous and I am impressed at your resilience to find a new hobby and social group after your life has been turned upside down.

Grief can be exhausting and distorting and I am just wondering if there is another way to see how events unfolded.

It would seem likely that any group holiday would have been arranged and booked way before your DH passing to accommodate the logistics of multiple couples rather than after his death was announced? Are you upset that as a couple you were not included (or was your DH unwell at the time - sorry to ask such sensitive questions. You don’t have to answer but I am just trying to suggest another perspective which might hurt you less.

Maybe the ‘secret’ and SM blackout was a respectful and kind behaviour to you and your DH. It would have been grim for them to post updates at this time - but not inappropriate IMHO for them to have carried on with plans at that time.

Agree with PP that comments to your new friends are likely to be because they are concerned about your vulnerability.

Anger is a huge part of grief that needs to be processed - to rage at the injustice and loss - but be careful where it is directed.

Maybe it’s painful to be part of this group which will always be a reminder of your DH missing - but if there is warmth, support and history maybe re-establishing a one on one connection with one of the group would bring some comfort to you when you are ready.

I have experienced rage and bitterness during deep grief but further down the line I am not sure it was warranted and/or was disproportionate and I am glad I didn’t attack anyone with both barrels.

Understandably you are raw and in pain - allow your self to have enough self compassion to tend to that.

caringcarer · 30/09/2023 15:29

Tell your new friends what the old so called friends were like, and why you don't want anything to do with them any more. Good job you found nicer friends OP. Put the old ones out of your mind.

Knittedfairies · 30/09/2023 15:33

I'm not holding you back from telling you what you think of them to their faces OP. In fact, I think a gentle nudge is in order... They sound vile.

PermanentTemporary · 30/09/2023 15:35

Feeling for you very much. A circle of friends helped me enormously when dh died and I'm glad you've found some that help now.

My only thought is that just be a bit careful about exploding or expending energy on something that was told to you. I am sure your newer friend told you accurately what they heard, but it is just possible that the older friend didn't think they said that, they might have been trying to communicate something else. You've got a right to ask them what's going on though.

It's incredibly sad that they don't know how to cope with a friend's bereavement because we will all go through it and they are going to fail at friendship repeatedly. Not your responsibility to fix that though.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 15:37

BaronessBomburst · 30/09/2023 13:32

What reasons did she give?
What reasons could she possibly have given?!

You’d be surprised how entitled some people are. 12 months after my DH died I met someone by chance. I was nowhere near ready for a romantic relationship as I was still grieving, but we both recognised there was something there and we became good friends. Long story short he helped me through my grief and a couple of years later we started our relationship.

Someone I had previously considered a good friend took offence when he and I became friends and constantly tried to discourage me from seeing him, saying all manner of things about disrespecting my late husband. When that didn’t work, she took him aside and told him he should leave me alone and that the whole thing was inappropriate. Thankfully he told her to mind her own business, but inevitably the whole thing boiled over into a confrontation and she and I are no longer friends as a result.

pantypant · 30/09/2023 15:37

I'd tell her (old friend) to fuck right off out of your life. When you needed friends, new friends have been there. Meanwhile old friend ....went on holiday. WTF?? Their friend died and instead of grieving and supporting you they arranged a last minute get away? Now one of them is hell bent on damaging the little happiness you have? Why I would want to know.

whynotwhatknot · 30/09/2023 15:38

what did they say to them-wtf has got to do with anyone else what you do

explode at them op they deserve it

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 15:46

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

That isn't what she's talking about at all

And just because it 'doesn't sit right with you' it doesn't make it wrong!

What a horrible post to someone who's already lost her husband and been soundly kicked by 'friends'

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 15:47

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:45

Let me guess, there's a 🥂WhatsApp Group🥂

😆

Wow. Inappropriate or what !

Mischance · 30/09/2023 15:48

One of the things that I have found is that it is best not to harbour the anger - negotiating widowhood is difficult enough without this extra burden. Vent - blow up - but then let it go, or it will blight your life in the future.

We see death up close so seldom now - it appears confined to old people whose life's ending is a blessing to them very often. The loss of a young life is hard - a reminder of our mortality.

Your old group of friends let you down badly - I guess they simply did not know how to deal with it.

If you encounter the old friend who spoke so inappropriately to your new friends , then maybe you could tell her how disappointed you are in her for doing that, and ask her to stay out of your business in future.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 15:53

JudgeRudy · 30/09/2023 15:14

Vent away, I can understand your frustration but try not to let it become anger. Unless you're a really bad judge of character, or your old friends have all mysteriously had personality transplants, there's a good chance that they're not bad people, they've just mishandled things. It's likely that none of them will have much experience of dieing friends and grieving widows....so they've pulled together and made group decisions. One (incorrect) assumption was that you wouldn't want to be 'partying' so close to his death hence the decision not to include you in the group holiday. As it now seems to them that is what you're doing with you're new friends they may feel they're protecting you, and that 'distracting' yourself is just 'sweeping it under the carpet' and you're not coming to terms with things.
Don't be too harsh on them. I'm sure if you were to contact each of them individually/as couples the response would be different. Ask if you can come over one evening just to share some memories/tears.
I think we are all ill prepared for bereavement but also not so good at dealing with others grief. I think in time you'll forgive them for getting it wrong. Tell them what you need x

Oh for goodness sake! That is ridiculous!

They are grown adults, who have, in all likelihood lost someone in their lives.

Why make excuses for such appalling behaviour?
They ignored her, they ditched her when she needed them most, so if there is the tiniest chance they're feeling protective they can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

And to stoop to having to beg for some attention from them? You're having a laugh!

Do you thing @Mountainous has WELCOME stamped on her back?

I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire, let alone forgive them or tell them what I need!

LimeCheesecake · 30/09/2023 15:54

did the original group miss the funeral or did they go away between your DH’s death and the funeral and then try to keep that from you ?

what reason did your old friend give to your new friend for why it wasn’t appropriate for you to go out with the group?

have the old group cut you out completely?