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Original poster

I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

217 replies

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 20:14

I wonder if your ex friend is jealous. People have a tendency to put you in a box. Despite everything you have been through, losing your DH and your friends in one fell swoop, you have emerged with spirit and you are able to enjoy your life with supportive new people and an exciting (I hope!) hobby. You didn’t give them the chance to patronise you as “the widow” and take their crumbs of friendship. You didn’t assuage their guilt for the rotten way they treated you. They are stuck in their rut, and you have moved on. I wonder if this was her attempt to put you back in her box, but also involve herself in your future narrative. Well done for not rising to her bait. I hope your new friends continue to give you support, strength and lots of fun.

Coyoacan · 30/09/2023 20:24

You really do find out who your friends are when your husband dies

A friend of mine's husband died suddenly and her closest friends were criticising her only days afterwards for still being gloomy. Then three months later when she started going out, they criticised her for not mourning enough.

Yalta · 30/09/2023 20:33

I would in a perfectly non-confrontational way call her out on this.

I would ask her straight out why she asked your friend to not take you out drinking? Was there something you were missing, does she know something you weren’t aware of. I mean it has to be of some concern if someone is asking someone else to shut down someone’s social life.
I can only think I must have done something to offend you as I notice your dh has blocked me on Facebook which is quite hurtful given what I have been through. I know you weren’t there to see what I went through but it must be really serious to feel that you had to step in

Lay it on really thick and be absolutely sickly sweet and innocent

Butterkist8 · 30/09/2023 20:36

It seems odd that your drinking was brought up.

Irrespective, it's not a nice thing to have people comment behind your back and it needs calling out, if you feel that you can.

So sorry for your loss.

RedTedBoom · 30/09/2023 20:40

@BluebellsForest it's relevant because it provides other examples of how really *** others can be in the most terrible of circumstances. And my experience of that situation, is that confrontation doesn't work if they are that insensitive anyway.. ....
A bit late for my OH family & it would definitely not have been appreciated but I hope your family member appreciated your instruction

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 30/09/2023 20:42

Sorry for your loss xxxx

Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 20:44

I imagine the “drinking” is an attempt to smear OP’s reputation and/or make the male friend feel like he is doing something wrong and looking to take advantage, and therefore he might distance himself from OP. Since the other things she is doing with her new friends, going to see bands and their shared hobby, are completely non controversial, having a drink is all she’s got to go on for her attack. What an utter bitch.

HamBone · 30/09/2023 20:48

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 19:35

One of them definitely know I know, but I don't know if she's told the others, they've never said anything.

She told me several months afterwards how nad she'd felt about it and how she felt pressured into it, but if it made me feel any better they'd had a shit week becuase interfering woman had been really difficult. It did 😆

I've seen her a few times since and it's pleasant enough, but I don't go out of my to do anything with her. I noticed recently her DH has unfriended me on FB, although I've no idea when or why that happened.

Sound like you’re well out of it, OP, the interfering person sounds like a nightmare.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve had this awful experience with so-called friends. 💐 Good on you for making new friends and leaving the shite ones behind, it shows what a strong person you are.

Gremlins101 · 30/09/2023 20:49

Sounds awful, feel so bad for you. I think you need to read them the riot act. They need to hear that you know how nasty they've been x

Bookist · 30/09/2023 21:51

An awful lot of people are surprisingly crap and selfish. I expect your old friends deliberately snuck away before the funeral because they didn't want the 'awkwardness' of dealing with you and your grief. Yes, people really can be that pathetic. They'll go to great lengths to ensure that THEY don't experience anything that might make life difficult, or embarrassing or awkward for THEM. Yes, people really can be that self centered.

I suspect that your old friends don't like how well your new friends are looking after you. They will (correctly) discern that it puts their shitty behaviour in a bad light. Keep your pride and dignity and don't confront them. The very best revenge is a happy life with your new friends.

MariaAshley · 30/09/2023 23:02

NRFT but "social media blackout" from people who usually post lots? Nah, they're still posting. They've all put you on their restricted list though. You're still FB-friends with them, can see their profile pics and basic info, send messages and see old status updates, but you can't see any new status updates, comments they make or pics they add. They are not your friends OP. What a a shitty thing to do booking a last minute get away to make themselves feel better and leaving you behind by yourself, newly bereaved and grieving. Total arseholes. Then to tell your new friends how that friendship with you should be, WTF?! That's insane. I'm glad you have new friends now and I'm sorry for your loss 💐 I'd delete and block the old frenemies, completely ghost them and blank them if you accidentally meet. Leave them to their gossiping.

Henrietta70 · 01/10/2023 00:47

That’s really awful.
When I split from my unfaithful husband, who physically assaulted me three times in front of our daughters, his family, went totally silent, apart from two sending Christmas cards.
I was made to be the outcast because I stood my ground.
25 years I was a loyal wife!
X

Henrietta70 · 01/10/2023 00:56

Easily done. I’m new too.
x

Original poster
Mountainous · 01/10/2023 01:04

The funeral didn't clash, they did make it back, the day before. It was the fact that my entire support network (at the time) disappeared in the days leading up to it that was so difficult.

Anyway, I've been out dancing tonight. I had 2.5 pints of beer, if anyone's interested 😆 had an absolute blast with a very varied group of people, a lovely heart to heart with one about how awful some people can be and how brilliant others are and I'm meeting different people for breakfast in the morning.

OP posts:
OstrichInPink · 01/10/2023 01:07

Good for you. Could there be jealousy at play - jealousy you've found a new group, jealous you were Facebook friend of the husband when you're single? People are feeling weird.

Loopylooni · 01/10/2023 07:17

@Mountainous but in your recent post you admit to drinking too much. I read this incident as your friend being worried about you and not wanting others to take advantage of you

Gloriously · 01/10/2023 07:33

Did they offer comfort and support prior to the week away, at the funeral and after?

If a group of couples booked a week long holiday I would suggest that it was arranged many months before in order to accommodate everyone’s work diary / availability.

It was unfortunate that it was the week before your DH funeral - was your expectation that they cancel the holiday?

Do they usually holiday together and include you - but didn’t this time?

If it was a ‘secret’ it was obviously still not mentioned to you in the months beforehand either.

My perspective is that the SM black out could have been a respectful and sensitive approach and not contacting you was because they knew if you’d asked something practical they couldn’t do it as they were away and didn’t want you to be upset by that information.

To have such huge anger a couple of years in might suggest that your grief is stuck at that ‘normal’ stage - this will be harming you internally and I wonder if counselling from Cruise would bring you some peace at this stage.

I really am sorry for your untimely loss and I am impressed with your resilience and how you have tackled your external world but I wonder if you deserve more professional support to soothe your pain.

Zebedee55 · 01/10/2023 08:01

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

I lost my DH 6 months ago, and it's been a real learning curve.

Some old friends have completely disappeared out of my life. Other, newer, people have been great.

You certainly find out who you need in your life and who you don't.

Best wishes 💐

FictionalCharacter · 01/10/2023 10:16

You didn’t give them the chance to patronise you as “the widow” and take their crumbs of friendship. You didn’t assuage their guilt for the rotten way they treated you. They are stuck in their rut, and you have moved on.
Spot on @Ridemeginger .

The (ex) friend was essentially telling the new friend "she's a widow, don't you know! She shouldn't be out enjoying herself! Tell her to stay home and wait for us to pity her, if we choose to". And she's probably that you have new friends and don't need her.

Original poster
Mountainous · 01/10/2023 12:51

The anger now is about the "advice" given to my friend. I had completely moved on from the funeral issue, just don't choose to see much of those people, which is just as well as I haven't heard much from then either.

No, only one of the couples (the woman who did talk to me about the trip) was around much during his illness and afterwards. I first went out with new group when DH was at home bedbound and dying. We went to watch the football and DS stayed with DH. Afterwards they came to see DH and chatted with him for quite a while, even though they didn't know know him well. As I showed them out, the one old friend has "spoken" to was really struggling to hold back the tears.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 01/10/2023 15:32

Gloriously · 01/10/2023 07:33

Did they offer comfort and support prior to the week away, at the funeral and after?

If a group of couples booked a week long holiday I would suggest that it was arranged many months before in order to accommodate everyone’s work diary / availability.

It was unfortunate that it was the week before your DH funeral - was your expectation that they cancel the holiday?

Do they usually holiday together and include you - but didn’t this time?

If it was a ‘secret’ it was obviously still not mentioned to you in the months beforehand either.

My perspective is that the SM black out could have been a respectful and sensitive approach and not contacting you was because they knew if you’d asked something practical they couldn’t do it as they were away and didn’t want you to be upset by that information.

To have such huge anger a couple of years in might suggest that your grief is stuck at that ‘normal’ stage - this will be harming you internally and I wonder if counselling from Cruise would bring you some peace at this stage.

I really am sorry for your untimely loss and I am impressed with your resilience and how you have tackled your external world but I wonder if you deserve more professional support to soothe your pain.

I think the holiday issue was mentioned in the post for context. I got the impression that OP’s anger anger is because she just found out what was said behind her back. I’d be livid.

Gloriously · 01/10/2023 15:58

@Rosscameasdoody Yes I think that has come through and it is understandable to be livid / upset about such a boundary crossing - but I suspect that the disproportionate pain from this being the ‘angriest I have ever been in my life’ is due to deep grief rather than what was actually said by the old friend.

I am not suggesting the OP isn’t feeling intense emotions or criticising her - just concerned that it’s misdirected and she might need some professional support for all she has been through and continues to experience as a single grieving parent.

Maybe the old friend has observed entrenched suffering and is concerned for her vulnerability - the OP won’t know if she doesn’t ask. Equally it could have been a spiteful intervention - again only the OP knows the character of her old friend and their likely intention.

Dogfureverywhere · 01/10/2023 16:00

Sorry for your loss. You certainly do find out who your supportive friends and family are under such circumstances. Some may pigeonhole you into how they think a grieving widow should act, can't accept the change in your status and may feel threatened. I sometimes think some of my own "vanished" friends and family thought cancer/death/grief was catching and that's why they vanished!
Maybe some friends were closer to your DH and might not wish to continue a relationship with you, or not wish to upset you by mentioning DH. It's truly shit, but you have moved on with a great group of newer friends and learnt a valuable lesson in who is really there for you.

Dontcallmescarface · 01/10/2023 16:33

Maybe they just thought you may not be ready for a jolly so soon after your bereavement

Who the fuck are they to decide whether the OP is ready for a "jolly" or not. It's none of their business.

BluebellsForest · 01/10/2023 19:09

RedTedBoom · 30/09/2023 20:40

@BluebellsForest it's relevant because it provides other examples of how really *** others can be in the most terrible of circumstances. And my experience of that situation, is that confrontation doesn't work if they are that insensitive anyway.. ....
A bit late for my OH family & it would definitely not have been appreciated but I hope your family member appreciated your instruction

I didn't use it in a confrontational or instructive way. I found it a useful reminder myself, so shared it with a relative in the same spirit.