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Original poster

I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

217 replies

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

OP posts:
Optionyougot · 02/10/2023 17:32

Loopylooni · 01/10/2023 07:17

@Mountainous but in your recent post you admit to drinking too much. I read this incident as your friend being worried about you and not wanting others to take advantage of you

I think you misread this. OP said the rude friend might think she drinks too much. She then said she "probably drinks a lot" but in that and subsequent posts described it as drinking twice a month, and an example of 2.5 pints (about half the recommended weekly allowance) on a night. "A lot" is subjective but there's nothing in that which suggests a drinking problem imo, not that it would justify the woman's behaviour.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 17:39

Optionyougot · 02/10/2023 17:22

I read this as a check in, because annoying woman said to only honest woman that she spoke to your friend. So it's that bare minimum effort message that also covers the "you didn't say you were upset about this to us" angle as well.
I'm guessing husband unfriended you because he wasnt happy you're going out with the horror of it men to social events. As though you were supposed to freeze in time when you lost your husband, never moving on so as to preserve his memory for your "friends". I'm sure you know that, but be prepared for a message back saying he was uncomfortable seeing your friendships on social media rather than an admission that he's an unfeeling prick.

I'm sure that is what it is. In the early days I was very aware that it might look "off", but the alternative was staying home sobbing into my pillow as all my "core" friends had disappeared into thin air.

That's what I'm most furious about- if they'd shown any genuine care, maybe they'd have a right to comment, but having deserted me (not just around the funeral) how dare they critise the people who have been there and have genuinely made a difference to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 17:41

Friend has just replied saying she doesn't know why he unfriended me (so in the 5 hours since she sent the original message she hasn't asked him 😆) and asking my advice on something on which I'm a bit of an expert - which I'd guess is why she contacted me in the first place.

OP posts:
VisaWoes · 02/10/2023 17:48

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 17:41

Friend has just replied saying she doesn't know why he unfriended me (so in the 5 hours since she sent the original message she hasn't asked him 😆) and asking my advice on something on which I'm a bit of an expert - which I'd guess is why she contacted me in the first place.

She really is a cheeky cow!

Magenta82 · 02/10/2023 17:57

I would be tempted to ask why she thinks you would help her considering she abandoned you when you needed friends the most.

Optionyougot · 02/10/2023 17:58

All of them sound awful, what a nasty interfering bunch

Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 17:59

Jesus. Self serving, cheeky cow. Well, she's appearing to be not interested in you at all, @Mountainous Did she not even express some concern/apology/surprise at her husband unfriending you? If you do give her advice, can you make it totally wrong?

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 18:00

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:11

OMG. His wife has just messaged me for the first time in months. Their ears must have been burning 😆

Show quote history

Do you think she’s seen the thread and recognised the situation ?

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 18:03

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 18:00

Do you think she’s seen the thread and recognised the situation ?

Show quote history

Possibly. Good. I also posted something on FB (very unusually for me) over the weekend having a dig at people who know nothing about your situation but feel the need to express unhelpful opinions. So out of character formme I've had several generally.concerned PMs, so more likely to be that, I'd guess.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 02/10/2023 18:08

God. I'm sorry you appear to be surrounded by a bunch of twats. Well used to be.

Can't believe the gall of the woman asking you a favour now. Oh... can you unfriend her?! So tempting

SeulementUneFois · 02/10/2023 18:10

OP

Please be only very vague about the issue she wants your help with. (Even better, ignore it - amazing if you could chat back about everything and anything but just not mention nor be drawn into the issue at all!)
Don't let her take advantage of you.
To be possibly paranoid, they may well feel that you, now man-less, are inferior to them as a couple. Hence being annoyed at you going out and living your life.
And wanting to use you as a support human re your area of expertise.

OuiRagamuffin · 02/10/2023 18:12

I thought it was telling that a friends husband deleted you off Facebook. Telling of what though. I feel like some distortion of the truth has been circulated about you. What man would delete his wife's friend for allegedly liking a drink?

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 18:13

sodthesodoff · 02/10/2023 18:08

God. I'm sorry you appear to be surrounded by a bunch of twats. Well used to be.

Can't believe the gall of the woman asking you a favour now. Oh... can you unfriend her?! So tempting

Yes, not anymore. They're going to have kittens when thy find out I've agreed to go away for a event weekend with a male mutal acquaintance (not from either group). He's invited a few people, so far I'm the only one to say yes, I'm sure there will be more, but I don't mind either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 18:22

OuiRagamuffin · 02/10/2023 18:12

I thought it was telling that a friends husband deleted you off Facebook. Telling of what though. I feel like some distortion of the truth has been circulated about you. What man would delete his wife's friend for allegedly liking a drink?

We all move in a large but quite incestuous circle, you're always finding out someone knows some one etc. I know there has been gossip about me and at least 2 men. I seem to have become eligible and if I'm honest I've enjoyed that a bit. I laugh it off usually but this one has got to me. They know me well and have chosen to believe it all without asking for my version.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 18:27

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 18:03

Possibly. Good. I also posted something on FB (very unusually for me) over the weekend having a dig at people who know nothing about your situation but feel the need to express unhelpful opinions. So out of character formme I've had several generally.concerned PMs, so more likely to be that, I'd guess.

Show quote history

If one has recognised themselves in the thread, it won’t be long before word spreads, so prepare yourself !! Good, it serves them right, and it might give you the opportunity to get things off your chest and tell some home truths. I was widowed six years ago and I recognise a lot of the twattery you’ve described.

I’ll never understand why people think they have the right to comment on how someone lives their life after losing a life partner. They’re invariably people who haven’t lost a partner themselves so have absolutely no idea how your life falls apart, and how hard it is to get it back on track. I lost a couple of people I thought of as good friends when I took up with my now second husband 12 months after my husband of 40 years passed away. I was accused of all manner of things by the very same people who were telling me after three months that I was mired in grief and needed to get out more !! Ironically my late husbands’ siblings were really supportive of the relationship right from the start - that put things into perspective for me as to who had my best interests at heart.

You sound as though you’re in a good place and starting to enjoy life again OP and that’s great. When you lost your life partner, you don’t just lose the person, you lose your whole familiar way of life and your world turns grey - it takes time and courage to put the colour back. Long may it continue for you and I wish you well. 💐

Mellowautumnmists · 02/10/2023 20:00

I was widowed young, about 10 years ago and can relate to so much of what you're saying @Mountainous.

Your old friends are a bunch of ghouls and you've done so well not to have bitten back previously.

Enjoy your new found friendships and I wish you all the happiness those new friendships may bring you in the future - whether or not they develop into a new relationship xx

Mellowautumnmists · 02/10/2023 20:02

@Rosscameasdoody I applaud you for your post - twattery is the best word yet to describe these peoples' behaviour! 👏

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2023 20:10

OuiRagamuffin · 02/10/2023 18:12

I thought it was telling that a friends husband deleted you off Facebook. Telling of what though. I feel like some distortion of the truth has been circulated about you. What man would delete his wife's friend for allegedly liking a drink?

A laughably sanctimonious bellend.

WinterDeWinter · 03/10/2023 13:13

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 18:22

We all move in a large but quite incestuous circle, you're always finding out someone knows some one etc. I know there has been gossip about me and at least 2 men. I seem to have become eligible and if I'm honest I've enjoyed that a bit. I laugh it off usually but this one has got to me. They know me well and have chosen to believe it all without asking for my version.

Show quote history

But OP, even if there is no 'my version' - fuck them! It's literally none of their business if you're dancing on tables in tassels every bloody night!

Mellowautumnmists · 03/10/2023 13:35

But OP, even if there is no 'my version' - fuck them! It's literally none of their business if you're dancing on tables in tassels every bloody night!

I agree with @WinterDeWinter here. You do whatever makes you comfortable and happy. You are accountable to nobody. Good luck 🍀

The expression "walk a mile in my shoes" comes to mind when I read posts like these.

Newestname002 · 03/10/2023 13:57

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 17:41

Friend has just replied saying she doesn't know why he unfriended me (so in the 5 hours since she sent the original message she hasn't asked him 😆) and asking my advice on something on which I'm a bit of an expert - which I'd guess is why she contacted me in the first place.

So it's pretty obvious why this "friend" has contacted you now.

I think I'd keep "forgetting" to respond to her about how you can use your expertise to help her and, if she ever asks you directly for this help, you are politely vague and, sadly, too busy with other commitments to help her out. I'm sure you'll wish her all the best finding some else suitable to assist her. 🌹

Oooooooooooo1 · 03/10/2023 15:05

Some people are naturally nasty @Mountainous it sounds like they are all unhappy and jealous you have moved on
I agree with keeping them at arms length

SquirrelFeeder · 04/10/2023 12:24

I wasn't laughing at OP losing her DH but nice twist of my words there! I too have lost a husband. It was a general observation. Surely you could see that?

SquirrelFeeder · 04/10/2023 12:27

@ohdamnitjanet Me saying that I don't understand the appeal of having 'friendship clubs' is the meanest thing you've ever read? I never mentioned OP losing her DH. I wasn't laughing at that! I too have lost a DH and didn't feel the need to form a club but everyone is different! @EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon Decided to twist my words to nicely fit her own narrative that I was mocking OP losing her DH when I bloody wasn't! I was talking generally!

MNHQ reinstated my comments so clearly not the 'meanest' comment on MN! Sorry to disappoint

SquirrelFeeder · 04/10/2023 12:29

@Nanny0gg AGAIN! I was talking GENERALLY! I never once mentioned OP losing her DH ffs!