I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

[Mountainous]

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

I do wonder if they think you will 'pinch' their partners!!

Spot on, Gazelda. This woman and these people need to know they crossed a line.

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s often in crisis times in your life that you realise who your real friends are. I wouldn’t give the old group anymore oxygen, just move on with your life and enjoy the times with your new friends.

I agree. They deserve to be called out.

At no point has OP indicated she is desperate to be part of anything, just that she feels massively let down by people she thought would be there.

I don't have a large close group of friends but I don't begrudge those who do and certainly don't judge such an arrangement like you seem to be doing. People do things differently, is all

Why on earth does she think it's any of her business? I'd have to put her straight op and let them all know how much you feel let down by their lack of support.

And there's nothing childish about socialising with like minded folk, I enjoy my own company over groups as well but that's a strange way to think of it @SquirrelFeeder

I’d have to say something. ‘How dare you to presume to tell any of my friends what is acceptable for me to do?’

And then I’d cut all contact, for good.

I am furious on your behalf that your (at the time) good friend ( old ones) planned a bloody holiday for the time of the funeral..i mean who does that ????
did they not know oyur dh ? did they not want to go to their friend's funeral ???
Bloody nora..they were never ever your friends ....I would have been cancelling any holiday plans if my friend's husband had just died and i would be moving heaven and earth to be there helping her
AND even if i did not know the deceased , i would want to be there to support my friend
cannot believe these people went on holiday instead of to a funeral

and so i would definitely telling them to right royally fuck off

I'm sorry op, I think I recall reading your story when you found out about the holiday and your friend let you down (was it a cake?)

Personally I would tear interfering old friend a new one. Tell them exactly what I thought of the lack of compassion around the secret holiday, how they hadn't been there for you so them sticking their nose in with the people that have been there was inappropriate and unwelcome. But that's just me

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with any of this, OP.

When my baby was stillborn, I went through some very similar situations and was bitterly disappointed by people who I thought would know better than to be so cruel. However, I choose to dwell on the people who owed me nothing, but took the time to offer support, to tell me of their own experiences or just to sit with me, These are the people I now invest my time and energy in.

As I'm typing this, I am looking out of the window at my sunflowers. They turn towards the sun. Do that. Turn towards the people who bring light and joy into your life, and in doing so turn your back on those who darken it. You don't need to take any action against the people who have hurt you so badly, you don't even need to acknowledge their existence. Just delete their contact details, block them everywhere, and turn towards the sun.

@SquirrelFeeder newsflash, everyone is different, form relationships in different ways and need different things from friendship. Some people love going out in groups and socialising, others don't. Neither one is wrong.

Glad you're finding the thread so entertaining, given that it's about a bereaved person who's been screwed over and hurt by people she thought were her friends.

Also a bit rich that you're calling other people childlike when you're the one using laughing emojis.

You need to grow up and get some hobbies if you really find chortling over other people's misfortunes so much fun.

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. Regarding your old friendship group, could their holiday have been booked a long time in advance?
Could it also be that the old friend thought that you might be being taken advantage of by the new male friend, as a vulnerable grieving widow? I wouldn't necessarily assume their intention was out of spite, even though you might have been given that impression.
How long did you know the old group for? Try and have a sense of perspective. Don't ruin a friendship of 30 years just because they went away for 5 days together because they found an Airbnb with 3 bedrooms, thus were limited over who they could invite.

Having said that it's always a good idea to be open to new friendships and interests !

I think you need to address it, OP. Preferably to the whole group, via whatsapp, so nobody can twist your words to others involved.

You don't need to be rude or confrontational but I think you do need to let them know that you are aware they were all away over the period of the funeral and that it's disappointing that none of them have addressed this with you, that this led to you backing off from the group and that you do not think it acceptable for any of them to be getting involved in your business now. State that you know what was said and you don't appreciate it.

It's ridiculous behaviour that needs to be addressed and stamped out.

Some people are just vile and it sounds like your old group are just that. I wouldn't give them the time of day or the headspace. You deserve your new tribe, they sound lovely.

If you still have a way of contacting the group of non friends, copy what you have written here and finish off with, you should hang your heads in shame!

This.

My god, you’ve every right to be angry. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. And for the fact these people behaved like that. They’re no friends of yours.

I don’t think anyone is in a position to pass judgement when one is in the throes of grief.

I personally wouldn’t even give them the dignity of any future engagement or responses.

I would definitely confront this person and very possibly the whole group. Their behaviour needs calling out. Both for the original cutting you off/leaving you out of stuff but also for now trying to spoil your new friendship.

Exactly.
@SquirrelFeeder That’s one of the meanest things I’ve read on MN and that’s going some.

Do you or have you ever had a drinking problem?

The only time I’d warn someone about taking someone drinking is if they have an alcohol addiction or some other issues that may cause them problems.

I also understand why your friends wouldn’t tell you about the holiday as that may have hurt your feelings.

I would tell these old friends to stay out of your life.
You are an adult and even if you are hurting yourself by drinking alcohol then it’s nothing to do with them.

Unless i was a recovering alcoholic, I too would be telling them they’ve crossed a line and lost the opportunity to ‘look out for me’ when they abandoned me in the moments I needed them.

also there’s nothing wrong with having friendship groups as an adult, so that poster can fuck off.