I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

[Mountainous]

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

@Olive19741205 What an absurd way of thinking. Do you have problems having one or more friends? I tell my 12 year old to avoid 'friends' with your attitude. The problems she's had with friends not wanting to 'share' her friendship were absolutely ridiculous. Avoid like the plague.

You've just made that up! What proof do you have that I don't 'share' my friends?! I have lots of friends in all different areas of my life! Some know each other, some don't! My comment was about the type of 'Friendship Circle' or 'Friendship Club' who hate any outsiders (the total OPPOSITE of your accusation!) and look down on any 'group members' meeting up individually. I've been part of a 'club' like that before and it wasn't for me. It didn't sit right with me and my lifestyle. I don't give two fucks who my friends see or spend time with! I have DC and a life! Grow up!

Hey op, could she be worried about you? I notice the phrase used is not “go out with you” but “ go out drinking with you”, which makes me wonder if it’s the alcohol that’s the concern, has there maybe been some episodes of risky behaviour that is worrying your friends.?

I'd explode in their faces. What horrible people.

There’s a lot of support for OP here, which is very heartening and at the same time concerning - that someone in OP’s situation gets more support from strangers on the internet than from her own supposedly close circle of friends.

I’ve been at the receiving end of so much unpleasantness as a result of being widowed, and sadly, it seems to be the norm. People seem to think you’ve temporarily lost your reason, so every decision is questioned and picked apart. I was quite stuck at one stage of grief for a while and one or two friends were quite short with me in their opinion that I was wallowing - not surprisingly these were among the same people who had quite a lot to say when I took up with the man who is now my husband. I found counselling immensely helpful in understanding the grieving process and finding answers to the way I was feeling.

There seems to be a mindset that a certain amount of time should pass before moving on, for ‘respect and decency’ as it was charmingly put to me at the time, but opinion varies as to how long that should be - with no thought that every day spent grieving and alone is an eternity to the widow.

I remember a thread on MN a while back - someone had posted that a family member was having trouble moving on and they were fed up with it. I posted from my point of view, trying to explain how difficult it is to leave your old life behind and the feelings of guilt you experience. I was immediately jumped on and told I had no right to comment fro the point of view of a widow because I had moved on and remarried - including one particularly snotty comment suggesting that my grief wasn’t real if I could ‘replace’ my late DH with another man !!

So much reluctance to engage with death and grieving - a natural part of life - really concerns me, but I think fear probably accounts for most of it. After all a grieving widow/er is irrefutable proof that we are all mortal and we all have a 50/50 chance of experiencing similar bereavement.

OP has already clarified that she doesn’t drink that much. But whatever the concern, it absolutely does not give anyone the right to approach a companion in an attempt to get them to back off. IF there were concerns, the friend should have brought them up to the OP herself - she lost her DH, not her mind.

I mean this with an abundance of politeness. But when someone asks a question to the op direct. It means they want the op to answer. Not you.

amd no she’s not clarified she doesn’t drink that much, she said

“Occasionally I drink quite a bit, but I don't drink every day or even every week”

so the question if there had been risky behaviour at any of these events was a good one. However again, the question was not aimed at you, but if you do nominate yourself to answer for the op then please read the thread.

Well I think you should absolutely loose your shit with yhese horrible, judgemental people.
Tell them you know of the holiday, how crap they have been, how judgemental & unsupportive
Then tell them to butt out of your life.

@Janieforever The first paragraph of @Mountainous 's second post says this:

Thanks everyone, to answer a few questions. She probably does think I drink too much, she thinks anyone who drinks anything drinks too much. I only ever drink when I'm "out" and that's about once a fortnight. I drink quite a lot I suppose, but I've never done anything I'm ashamed of as a result, I just get more annoyingsociable.

I’ve read all of the thread thank you, and you’re not polite, you’re unpleasant. Everyone is free to comment on any and all posts - questions included. That’s what a public forum is for. If you don’t understand the concept, then perhaps don’t post. The subject of the OP’s drinking has been covered numerous times, as has the fact that the ‘friend’ had no business telling her companion to back off, no matter what the concern about ‘risky behaviour’ - it should have been brought up to the OP herself, not behind her back. Try reading the thread yourself.

@Janieforever how are you defining "risky behaviour"? To me, that sounds like the sort of woman blaming language used when a woman encounters a not very nice man.

I mean this with an abundance of politeness. But when someone asks a question to the op direct. It means they want the op to answer. Not you.

Is this really how you think Mumsnet works ? It doesn’t. It’s a public forum and posters are free to comment at will on any post. Most posts are aimed at the OP, in and around the topic, but the discussion is picked up by other posters. That’s how it works and how the discussions develop. I think you were extremely rude to the poster who addressed your question - they weren’t ‘nominating’ themselves to answer for anyone, they were just doing what MN posters do.

And if you had read the thread, the person who intervened was a ‘friend’ from the OP’s old group - the OP has qualified her drinking habits several times, the last time, saying that she only drinks when she goes out, and that the ‘friend’ involved thinks that everyone drinks too much. So maybe take your own advice and read the thread.

So much reluctance to engage with death and grieving - a natural part of life - really concerns me, but I think fear probably accounts for most of it. After all a grieving widow/er is irrefutable proof that we are all mortal and we all have a 50/50 chance of experiencing similar bereavement.

I agree with you, @Rosscameasdoody.

I also think @YouOKHun posted a great comment earlier.

Hope you're ok, OP, and I wish you well

@Janieforever I tend to agree here, the wording makes me think the ops friends are genuinely concerned about her drinking and other's taking advantage of her. No she's not a child but it sounds like they have tried but the op isn't listening, preferring to say she has new friends now and wants to go out and enjoy that.

When people say 'X thinks everyone drinks a lot, it tends to be them trying to discredit their concerned friends by saying they don't understand. No, sounds like they can see you are in a bad place.

Shame they weren't "genuinely concerned" and didn't try more when OP's husband died, isn't it?

I can’t tell if these sort of comments are just crashingly failing to understand OP's situation or are trolling.

I think lots of people don't really understand how to help when someone's bereaved. You only realise once it happens to you. With my own parents, when one passed, my family friends seemed to disappear but I think in hindsight, they didn't know how to help/were grieving themselves. It wasn't right but I understand now.

So sorry for your loss OP .

I agree, with life changing events you always find out who your real friends are. How dare they try to influence what you should and shouldn’t do. Drop them like a brick.

Wishing you all the best going forward OP.

Have you not read the OP’s posts ? She only drinks when she goes out. And a group of people who basically abandoned her when she needed them most are the last people to be intervening - where was the concern when they went on holiday and didn’t tell her ? When people show you who they really are you should believe them, and I speak from experience when I tell you that when you lose your partner you find out pretty quickly who your real friends are - and anyone who will do what this person did, is not a friend.

From her posts, the OP seems to be in a good place and enjoying life with a new friendship group. Why do you think it’s acceptable for someone to go behind her back and tell one of them to back off and intimate that she has a drinking problem ? If they have concerns they should address them with the OP herself, not treat her like a five year old who needs to be supervised. She lost her husband, not her capacity to make her own decisions and there is absolutely no excuse for what the so called friend did. None.