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Original poster

I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

217 replies

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 01/10/2023 21:35

Loopylooni · 01/10/2023 07:17

@Mountainous but in your recent post you admit to drinking too much. I read this incident as your friend being worried about you and not wanting others to take advantage of you

Then the friend should have brought it up with the OP herself, not belittled her to another friend. She lost her spouse, not her ability to make her own decisions about who she socialises with or how much she drinks. Concern from a friend is one thing, interfering where you have no business is another.

Original poster
Mountainous · 01/10/2023 21:47

I don't think I said I drink too much? Occasionally I drink quite a bit, but I don't drink every day or even every week.

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 01/10/2023 21:53

Cut them off completely. So sorry for your loss x

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 08:34

It's all good, I went out with the group yesterday after an event we all did and had a lovely supportive afternoon. We did discover that the DH who unfriended me has also unfriended the two men I'm most often out with but not rhe woman and her husband who are usually with us, so I guess that explains something. No one had noticed they'd been struck off 😆

Neither man has ever been anything but kind and respectful towards me though.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/10/2023 11:06

Unfriended for socialising several years after a bereavement. What a nice chap.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:11

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/10/2023 11:06

Unfriended for socialising several years after a bereavement. What a nice chap.

OMG. His wife has just messaged me for the first time in months. Their ears must have been burning 😆

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 11:16

So this is the wife of the guy who un friended you, and the only one of the old group who acknowledged/knows how hurt you were about the holiday they took prior to your DH's funeral? Who also says the woman that is now trying to interfere in your new friendship group was badly behave on that holiday, is that. right? What are they paying at? Are they trying to reel you back into their sphere?

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:19

Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 11:16

So this is the wife of the guy who un friended you, and the only one of the old group who acknowledged/knows how hurt you were about the holiday they took prior to your DH's funeral? Who also says the woman that is now trying to interfere in your new friendship group was badly behave on that holiday, is that. right? What are they paying at? Are they trying to reel you back into their sphere?

No idea. I'll continue to be pleasant as needed, when were at the same events, but can't summon the inclination to show any real interest.

OP posts:
S910441 · 02/10/2023 11:25

Old "friends" are a bunch of arseholes. I think you've been very restrained in not saying anything.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:30

Message is just asking "how are you, haven't seen you for ages".

So many possible responses 😆 I'll probably just go with great thanks, busy. But am tempted to ask if I've offended her DH!

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 11:34

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking you care one jot about her husband. I think a neutral, "Great, thanks, really busy!" is all you need to say. Obviously, though, if you need some answers from these people ask - I just think you will end up being gaslit.

Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 11:36

I do also think they are fishing and trying to find out if you are in a new relationship (and possibly trying to sabotage it). The husband de-friending might have been an indirect way of getting your attention; then the interfering woman tried; now this other woman.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:37

Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 11:36

I do also think they are fishing and trying to find out if you are in a new relationship (and possibly trying to sabotage it). The husband de-friending might have been an indirect way of getting your attention; then the interfering woman tried; now this other woman.

I don't know when the defriending happened. It could have been months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:39

The daft thing is I have tentatively dated a couple of men, but not these 😆 TBH they're far more important to me as friends, even if it was a possibility.

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 02/10/2023 11:42

FictionalCharacter · 01/10/2023 10:16

You didn’t give them the chance to patronise you as “the widow” and take their crumbs of friendship. You didn’t assuage their guilt for the rotten way they treated you. They are stuck in their rut, and you have moved on.
Spot on @Ridemeginger .

The (ex) friend was essentially telling the new friend "she's a widow, don't you know! She shouldn't be out enjoying herself! Tell her to stay home and wait for us to pity her, if we choose to". And she's probably that you have new friends and don't need her.

Absolutely this

My SIL does this. Likes to swoop in and be hero of the hour (publicly/loudly) but inky when it fits in with heroics she has going in elsewhere. She seems to schedule them well Confused

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 02/10/2023 11:48

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:30

Message is just asking "how are you, haven't seen you for ages".

So many possible responses 😆 I'll probably just go with great thanks, busy. But am tempted to ask if I've offended her DH!

Wow. The thing is OP they have done that thing where you shoot off a quick message (showing concern/reaching out - Check ✅) but that leaves the ball in your court do do the leg work to relay how you are. Which depending on how your feeling can be exhausting.

It's the "Smallest and easiest gesture FOR ME so I feel Im a Good Friend and I've checked in" thing.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:53

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 02/10/2023 11:48

Wow. The thing is OP they have done that thing where you shoot off a quick message (showing concern/reaching out - Check ✅) but that leaves the ball in your court do do the leg work to relay how you are. Which depending on how your feeling can be exhausting.

It's the "Smallest and easiest gesture FOR ME so I feel Im a Good Friend and I've checked in" thing.

Show quote history

Yes, which is exactly what they did all through DH's illness and following his death. "You know where we are". Whereas other people showed genuine interest and really were "there". It's taught me a lot about what's most helpful when others are going through tough times though, so it's not all bad.

OP posts:
HotApplePiePunch · 02/10/2023 11:56

Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:39

The daft thing is I have tentatively dated a couple of men, but not these 😆 TBH they're far more important to me as friends, even if it was a possibility.

I suspect they think you are dating these male friends and want to stop it declare it too soon.

People are really odd with widows and even widowers moving on with their lives - seen it in my own family and if they'd listened they have missed out on longer and often just as happy/happier relationships as a result.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/10/2023 11:57

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/09/2023 14:00

Because when someone is bereaved the world and its dog not only has an opinion on how bereaved person should or shouldn't be leading their life, they feel the urgent need to share it. Don't go out, it's too soon. Don't date, it's disrespectful. Don't do this. Do that. It's like mourning never moved on from the Victorians in some people's heads.

Show quote history

This is so brilliantly written! #nailedit

PS excellent username

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 11:59

Actually one of the men I have "dated", (although that would be a loose definition, it was a 121 drink, which we kept quiet to avoid the gossip grapevine getting over excited, it went well we might do it again), is close friends with the man who's unfriended me. So that could get interesting 😆

OP posts:
Fraaances · 02/10/2023 12:15

This has probably kicked off the whole weirdness in the first place.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 12:16

Fraaances · 02/10/2023 12:15

This has probably kicked off the whole weirdness in the first place.

The "date"? I doubt whether they know, I do think he'll have kept that quiet, as much in his interests as mine.

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 02/10/2023 13:16

Well if you are interested in the guy from your date, and you think his friend/your ex friend might make that awkward, all the more reason not to engage with the ex friend’s wife beyond a bland and neutral response to her message, and don’t ask her how she is or give her a chance for an ongoing conversation. You sound like you are in a good place in your life - don’t invite in drama from the old friends. They are not likely to be doing anything out of affection for you if they treated you that badly when you needed them most. It’s a power play. Your power is keeping out of their silly games.

Original poster
Mountainous · 02/10/2023 15:49

Probably foolishly, I replied "all good, busy, what have I done to upset DH ?" and it's all gone quiet 😆

OP posts:
Optionyougot · 02/10/2023 17:22

I read this as a check in, because annoying woman said to only honest woman that she spoke to your friend. So it's that bare minimum effort message that also covers the "you didn't say you were upset about this to us" angle as well.
I'm guessing husband unfriended you because he wasnt happy you're going out with the horror of it men to social events. As though you were supposed to freeze in time when you lost your husband, never moving on so as to preserve his memory for your "friends". I'm sure you know that, but be prepared for a message back saying he was uncomfortable seeing your friendships on social media rather than an admission that he's an unfeeling prick.

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