Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

217 replies

Mountainous · 30/09/2023 13:20

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 30/09/2023 15:57

Regarding old friends holiday, my first thought was that it was planned prior to knowing when the funeral was. They didn’t mention it because they didn’t want to upset you.

Maybe old friend also thought they were trying to help by advising new friend not to go out drinking. Maybe they just thought you may not be ready for a jolly so soon after your bereavement. I’m sure they didn’t mean it maliciously or were trying to interfere.

sorry for your loss.

.

Azaleah · 30/09/2023 16:00

Trust No One. Sadly, this is what I have learned about humans in general. I'm glad you have found a group of friends with shared interests. Few beers and a band, that's nice. Vent away, losing a loved one is a long and painful process and lack of support at times like this is really hard to endure, When my father died my brother and sisters didn't give any support and my life isn't important for them any more. I was just their father's caregiver. Stop being angry though, it's not good for your mental and physical health. Just forget about them. And learn from this experience. Big hug 🤗

Olive19741205 · 30/09/2023 16:01

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 13:44

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids. I personally find it quite childlike & would hate the 'No outsiderz' vibe. Doesn't sit right with me at all

What an absurd way of thinking. Do you have problems having one or more friends? I tell my 12 year old to avoid 'friends' with your attitude. The problems she's had with friends not wanting to 'share' her friendship were absolutely ridiculous. Avoid like the plague.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/09/2023 16:10

So sorry for your loss OP.

Some people just don't know how to behave around bereavement.
Some want drama and to see a public display of grief and some are just plain terrified, as if it might be catching if they get too close, or worry they will become a crutch and so back right off to protect themselves (they think). None of these approaches helps very much.

What they did was awful on both counts.. and I do think you should call them out on it but only if you want to, if only so that you can convey how hurtful it was. Not for sympathy, but to make them face their actions.
But
I would also want an explanation from them as to WHY, so I could stop trying to work it out and move on. It's clear that it is puzzling you and I think if you had a better clue as to why it would be easier to mark it as case closed and for it not to play on your mind too much.

What you do after the explanation/apology (if you get one) and whether you give it much credence is entirely up to you.

It's not much consolation, but I think putting it to bed will stop it hurting so much. It may well be that this group have never really experienced such close grief and when they do, as we all must eventually, they will perhaps have a better understanding of what you went through.

I'm so glad you have found a new group to socialise with as you rebuild and hope this upset doesn't interfere with that. All Best wishes.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/09/2023 16:12

It’s the first rule of being a widow isn’t it? You can’t do anything right in the eyes of people who haven’t been widowed yet.

Loopylooni · 30/09/2023 16:19

Just thinking, do you have issues with drink anyway? Is your old friend looking out for you here. And with the holiday, was it already booked but they didn't know how to tell you?

Henrietta70 · 30/09/2023 16:21

I hope you dumped these loser “friends”.

Of all the times to really need friends, that was it.

I’m angry for you!

When my husband and I split after 25 years, an awful time, my friends were there.

The absolute cheek to question your social life.
I don’t usually swear, but they are absolutely useless fuckers. Get rid.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/09/2023 16:21

Why do you feel such a desperate need to be part of a 'group?' OP? Just find yourself a close friend or maybe even two if needs be.
I've never understood this desire for grown adults to have 'friendship groups' reminiscent of the little secret clubs you used to have as kids.

She says she met them through a shared interest. Would you refuse to have anything to do with more than one member of a book club or one person at your gym? Very odd limit to put on yourself.

Olive19741205 · 30/09/2023 16:25

Sounds to me like the new group is putting the old group to shame by being there for you and old 'friend' is trying to put a stop to it.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 30/09/2023 16:27

As this thread shows there are some heartless, selfish miserable arseholes about OP.
I'm sorry for your loss and how hurt you've been by your old friends.
Glad you've found some kind respectful fun ones,
Ignore is probably the best advice only I'd be tempted to say "so John told me you had taken him to one side and said you didn't approve of my going out
Can you explain why my social life is anything to do with you? Did you think about my future on your holiday when you missed DH's funeral? "
Watch em squirm and sod em

PortalooSunset · 30/09/2023 16:28

just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

Why's that @Mountainous? Surely not to spare their feelings?! I think it's the least they deserve!

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 30/09/2023 16:30

Seeing that those people are clearly not your friends anymore, why do they think they have a right to try and influence your life in this way?

Its like it wasn’t enough to behave tte way they did then, but they have to try and a spanner 8n the work now too.

I mean, with friends like this, I’m not sure you need ennemies.

I would contact the ‘friend’ and let that person know that they lost the right to go and meddle with your life when they let you down at your DH’s funeral.

Voerendaal · 30/09/2023 16:33

I think the fact that the holiday was secret as it clashed with the funeral begs questions. There is absolutely no excuse for deserving a friend in a crisis such as losing a husband or child. I too lost my husband several years ago and you very quickly find out who your friends are. I wouldn’t waste any time or breath on the group of friends who deserted you. Continue to make a life for yourself and rise above them. Some people feel incredibly threatened by widows for some reason - maybe the fact that we are very strong as we have to be. I feel your anger and totally get it. But if you can think of them being extremely weak and self centred. You are the better person

bemorelemmy · 30/09/2023 16:35

Riverlee · 30/09/2023 15:57

Regarding old friends holiday, my first thought was that it was planned prior to knowing when the funeral was. They didn’t mention it because they didn’t want to upset you.

Maybe old friend also thought they were trying to help by advising new friend not to go out drinking. Maybe they just thought you may not be ready for a jolly so soon after your bereavement. I’m sure they didn’t mean it maliciously or were trying to interfere.

sorry for your loss.

.

this is what I thought

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/09/2023 16:38

Wow. What a ridiculous comment from your ex-'friend'. I'm glad your friend ignored it. There is only one response to this really, and that is to laugh. Show them you're living your best life without that bunch of backbiters in it. But otherwise, hold your head up. I'm not surprised you're angry but I think laughing is a better way of showing you don't care than being angry.

Gloriously · 30/09/2023 16:48

From the OPs post - the old friends didn’t miss the funeral - they were away the week before.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 16:56

Loopylooni · 30/09/2023 16:19

Just thinking, do you have issues with drink anyway? Is your old friend looking out for you here. And with the holiday, was it already booked but they didn't know how to tell you?

Whether or not there were drink issues doesn’t entitle someone to interfere like this, and if it was coming from a place of concern, then surely the right thing to do would be to take it up with the OP herself, not go behind her back. The OP lost her husband , not her own mind, or the ability to decide for herself. I’d agree with you about the holiday, but the fact that op didn’t know about it doesn’t sit right. If it was booked before her DH passed away, surely they would have been invited. If it was a last minute thing and they knew it would mean missing the funeral, then it was a crappy thing to do.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/09/2023 17:00

Whether or not there were drink issues doesn’t entitle someone to interfere like this, and if it was coming from a place of concern, then surely the right thing to do would be to take it up with the OP herself, not go behind her back. The OP lost her husband , not her own mind, or the ability to decide for herself

Thanks, pretty much what I came on here to say. How bloody dare that so-called 'friend' interfere with the OP's life in that manner?

legalseagull · 30/09/2023 17:03

Unless you're a recovering alcoholic or something I don't understand why they would say this??

DisquietintheRanks · 30/09/2023 17:19

Sorry, your then best friends went for a secret holiday on the week of your husband's funeral???

That's so awful I am literally sat here gaping. Nothing the cunts could do after that would surprise me.

OnthePisteAgain · 30/09/2023 17:21

DisquietintheRanks · 30/09/2023 17:19

Sorry, your then best friends went for a secret holiday on the week of your husband's funeral???

That's so awful I am literally sat here gaping. Nothing the cunts could do after that would surprise me.

It was the week before the funeral. Still a really shitty thing to do though

Hankunamatata · 30/09/2023 17:22

Was your old group couples by any chance?

Azaleah · 30/09/2023 17:23

@legalseagull Even if she was a recovering alcoholic or something why tell someone else and not her? That's what friends are for. Nobody gains anything by chatting or gossiping about other people's lives. I would feel betrayed, really, which is worse than feeling angry, but that's just the way my brain works, and then I'd just move on and forget about this person. There are nice people out there, we just have to be careful and very selective. True friends are rare though.

sparxmaths · 30/09/2023 17:25

Wow they’re awful OP. Enjoy your new friends!

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 17:29

Hankunamatata · 30/09/2023 17:22

Was your old group couples by any chance?

Yep, the thought crossed my mind. A suddenly ‘available’ widow is a threat. I’ve never understood it, but was at the receiving end of it when I was widowed. Ironically, after losing your life partner, other men are the last thing on your mind !!

Swipe left for the next trending thread