I am currently angrier than I have ever been in my life.

[Mountainous]

Dh died a couple of years ago and as is so often the case in hard times, I've really found out who my friends are and they're not who I thought.

The people I thought were my (our) best friends went on a secret group holiday the week I was planning his funeral. It's not the fact that they went or that I wasn't invited that hurt, but the fact that it was a big secret (to the extent the normally active SM went dark) and they didn't contact me at all, any of them, in the week before my DH's funeral. One of them had also agreed to do a specific task to help and right at the last minute, when I chased it up was very sorry she hadn't got time (because, I now know she was on the secret holiday).

Anyway I fell in with another group. A mix of men and women who like to go out, have a few beers and see a band. We also share another very outing interest. They've been so good to me, just kept in touch and included me in things, no pressure but made me feel they wanted me around. I've since been away with them on several trips related to the hobby and they've been instrumental in me starting to live again.

I've just learned that one of the old friends took a new friend to one side to tell him it really isn't right for them to take me out drinking.

What on earth makes the people who deserted me when my DH died think they have a right to any input in my life?.

Thankfully he ignored her and treated it as a joke. He wouldn't have told me if he realised how upset I'd be. It's not even the critisim of me that's hard to take, it's critism of people who have just been so so good to me, when not everyone was.

Anyway, just venting here to stop myself exploding to their faces.

Sadly, widows often get treated as though their grief has robbed them of the ability to think rationally, so some people feel entitled to adopt a caretaker role. And the automatic assumption seems to be that if another male is on the horizon, he’s up to no good and not to be trusted. If this had been me, I would have told the ‘friend’ I was in complete control of my faculties and quite capable of making my own decisions thank you, so mind your own business.

I’m very sorry for your loss and I don’t blame you @Mountainous for the way you feel about the holiday and the approach by the old friend to one of your new friends. To have been upfront about the holiday and acknowledged the appalling timing would be one thing but the secretive element is so hurtful. Perhaps because it comes across as minimising; of what you were going through, of the support you needed. When my dad died (I know it’s not the same sort of bereavement) the most hurtful thing was not the awkward acknowledgements and people stumbling about for what to say, it was people like my [former] good friend who never acknowledged his death, not a solitary text even though she knew him well - minimising others’ grief for one’s own sake is frankly cruel.

A university friend of mine was widowed four years ago in her forties, her DH was 52. She said to me that the isolation often came from old friends who wanted to preserve the status quo, did not want the social dynamic to change and didn’t want to “make her feel bad” by inviting her to join in gatherings she would have previously attended as one half of a couple. The result was that in trying not to make her feel bad they made her feel far far worse. She said to me that if they’d invited her she might have turned it down in the early days but would have felt less of an outcast.

The other thing I remember her commenting on was becoming someone’s “project” who needed to be managed and “protected” and guarded from other people, as if being widowed had lowered her IQ. People are often unintentionally cruel or just don’t think. It’s no wonder people who are widowed very often have to find new friends who don’t confine or define them by their loss.

As she's had little or nothing to do with them, of COURSE they were interfering!

@BitOutOfPractice

nailed it!!

@Mountainous I'm so very sorry about your DH. Those 'old friends ' are not friends. Sorry, but they're just not.

do what BOOP said!!!

Urgh, your old 'friend' is vile. When my dad died two years ago, my mum unfortunately went through the same desertion by many of her friends. BUT her new friends understand her and care for her even better than her old crew ever could. She's never been happier.

Enjoy your new friendship and ignore the ex-friends. You deserve happiness.

I'm a bit gobsmacked about the holiday. I know that people make plans and it may well have been ahead of time but to just not tell you so that they could all go off and enjoy themselves without guilt? That's shocking behaviour. The old friend criticizing you need friends needs to give her stupid head a wobble.

It's true that at times like this you find out who your real friends are. My best friend's husband - also a close friend of mine, I loved him like a brother - died ar around the same time as your husband. Some people went above and beyond and some were noticeable by their absence. It hurt her at the time (and it hurt me on her behalf that people could be so shit) but now she knows who really gives a shit about her and life gets a little better each day. Try not to be so angry, the old "friend" isn't worth your energy. She's an idiot and thank goodness for meeting new people who bring pleasure back to your life.

@Rosscameasdoody Thanks, this makes sense. So sad though, to be defined by one's marital status and gender. Friendship should be a safe haven.

Agreed, I've had this treatment too following bereavement, and I've dropped those 'friends' who showed their true colours.
All in the past now but a reminder to choose one's friends carefully 🙂

I would explode in their face, including telling them you ‘now about the holiday, how they were not there when needed, how they have no right to tell any of your true friends anything and your friendship is over

then I would never contact them again

they are not fiends and shouldn’t take up your head space

Are you sure the holiday wasn't already arranged? You can't really expect them to cancel - and if they kept quiet about it, they were most likely trying to be discreet and not rub your nose in it.
But 'don't take the widow out drinking' is bizarre - like some 19th century mourning protocol! IF you run into them again, I'd tell them where they could shove their opinions of my social life. Or you could organise a big, boozy, raucous party that'll be the talk of the neighbourhood for years - and don't invite them.

Aches and pains over a month later, after failed ICSI.

First time using mumsnet so hello all!

I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience to me?

I had a chemical pregnancy after ICSI. I now realise that my embryo failed around the 11th of August.

I had a period at the start of September and then spotting for most of this month. I am also suffering quite extreme lower back pain.

I’ve now stopped bleeding but the back pain persists, and I still have abdominal pain (not intolerable but becoming quite tiresome) and my abdomen is still swollen.

I’ve been told I’m in hormone withdrawal.

But should I still be feeling pain? And in my back?

I’ll be making a doctor’s appointment but any thoughts or shared experiences would be most welcome!

Thank you ladies x

I'm sorry for your loss. You heard what your old friends were like loud and clear and have made a new life for yourself. How dare the old friend try and jeopardize that! I fully understand your wrath.

@Mountainous Sadly, many friendships between couples change when one finds themself single. Splits and divorces often result in couples aligning with one partner or the other.
After a bereavement, jealousies and paranoia can also set in that the widow or widower will take someone else's partner.
I wonder if your former friends not only feel that their relationship was primarily with your husband and feel that your life should be preserved in aspic because (they believe) your husband would want you to bahave in a particular way.
When change is forced upon us, focus should be on people making the most of the time and opportunities available to them.
Those former friends are part of a historic, closed part of your life, don't lose another moment of your life giving them headspace.

Instead of challenging them directly, I would aim to take control of the narrative, tell everybody "thank you for including me, it is grounding to be around people/enjoy people's company/get out and feel normal".

Their narrative (old frie) is that you need to be left alone 😕 how convenient for the people who have not reached out. Make it clear that you enjoy company/feel touched to be included/still have social needs

Ykwim?

Thanks everyone, to answer a few questions. She probably does think I drink too much, she thinks anyone who drinks anything drinks too much. I only ever drink when I'm "out" and that's about once a fortnight. I drink quite a lot I suppose, but I've never done anything I'm ashamed of as a result, I just get more annoying sociable.

And yes, she was probably "worried" about my being out with men, but I doubt that was genuine concern.

Yes, I explained it to myself that the holiday was probably booked earlier, we were just coming out of covid and I daresay everyone was desperate to get away, but to not even send a message checking in on me?

I won't confront them, we still have overlapping friends and I won't ask anyone to pick sides. As I explained it to another friend (from neither group) before I knew about the talk, I haven't fallen out with anyone, I just don't want to be around them so have distanced myself.

@Levi87 you can't post in the middle of a thread, you need to start your own one so that people with knowledge you need will reply. Have a look at all the different Talk Topics and you will find one that will suit. Good luck.

Agree with this. As the OP said, it wasn’t even the holiday, it was the dishonesty around it and keeping it a secret. At the very least they should have been honest about it. I don’t understand how anyone could go away like this, knowing they were keeping OP in the dark at such a low time. There’s no way to excuse it.

Oh shi…… I didn’t realise I did that! Sorry everyone and op! I thought I’d done a whole new thing 🙈🙈

thank you for saying something! 👍🏼

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all this OP. I’m glad you have found some new friends, and I hope you will be able to put the others from your mind soon and go on enjoying your time with your new friends in whatever way you want!

I have experienced very similar.
My 10 yr old asked what they had done 6 weeks after their Dad died to make grandparents/uncle/aunt/cousins etc. hate them - as they went no contact. When I pulled them up on it they said they needed to be in their bubble & I asked what, without his kids??????? WTAF
Some friends turned out to not be friends at all & ohhhh the judgement when I started seeing someone - was just horrific.
When my child was diagnosed SEND - OH best friend said he thought that if he hadn't died we would have ended up divorced anyway!!!!! Because everything was difficult - totally unforgivable. We had been married more than 20 years.
Someone does a charity event which is posted all over Facebook in his memory every year but hasn't even spoken to his children.........
But the point of me telling you this is it's not worth the battles/arguments for me it took energy I don't have. I focus on my children & making everything work for us, doing the right thing by family even though I will never forget the extra trauma people put my children through. I do the right thing by his family because I think it's the right thing to do. They are responsible for their own actions.

One of them definitely know I know, but I don't know if she's told the others, they've never said anything.

She told me several months afterwards how nad she'd felt about it and how she felt pressured into it, but if it made me feel any better they'd had a shit week becuase interfering woman had been really difficult. It did 😆

I've seen her a few times since and it's pleasant enough, but I don't go out of my to do anything with her. I noticed recently her DH has unfriended me on FB, although I've no idea when or why that happened.

Sorry for your loss

You really do find out who your friends are when your husband dies

I have many great supportive friends but also lost a few when dh died

Any chance this holiday was booked a while back and whatever reason you and dh not invited so the timing of funeral was 'bad luck'

Did you always go away together

But this time they didn't and obv when dh died they felt bad you weren't going ?

Or are you saying this holiday was booked/planned as your dh died so few weeks notice

Good idea to not confront them and just distance yourself, take the high road!

I personally would be extremely ‘cool’ with the woman who told your new friend that they shouldn’t be taking you out drinking, as far as I’m concerned that was malicious behaviour and out to damage your reputation by implying that you had a drinking problem……she is no friend, in fact she is the opposite!

You have been through a tough time, ( condolences) go out and enjoy yourself as much as you want and surround yourself with positive people.

That's so sad, @RedTedBoom. I don't think it's relevant to the OP, but this is what your relatives should have been aware of. I've sent it to a family member who was being insensitive:

psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory

I am very sorry for your loss.
You are losing nothing if you go to this guardian of your virtue and tell them to tell the rest of the "friends" that they can get to fuck, you know what they did and they are to stay away from your and your friends for evermore.