Knowing what you know now would you still have children / number of children you have?

[Boredatwork1234]

I’m going to start this as I love my two DC and I can’t imagine life without them. We are doing that typical should we go for a third etc but leaning more towards not using the phrase quality over quantity.

Speaking to a dad the other day, he said if he knew everything he knew now he wouldn’t have had a third he would have stuck at 2.

But flip side I know a dad with 1 child and he said he would have starting having children earlier (late 20s) as they waited till late 30s and would have liked 2 children.

We can’t change the past but just wondering what would you do now with todays knowledge? Would you change anything? What would you say to your younger self?

We have 2 and are very happy, I wouldnt change a thing. I wanted more at the time, but we had to decide between having more and being tight financially, or enjoying the two we have. I was really upset for a while, but now I can see that it was absolutely the right decision, for more than just financial reasons. I wouldnt change a thing now.

My ExH started an affair whilst I was pregnant with my second. I do sometimes think life was nice before DC2, however I’d go through all that heartbreak again to have them if my life now.

My mother is 80 and often says if she had her time again she wouldn't have had any children which in the past I have found upsetting. She adores my father and I think she'd like not to have to share his love. My brother and I often felt on the side lines and whilst they both did their best we did feel superfluous. Db does have a lot of issues and they still look after him though he is almost 60. Most of dm's friends are childless women of her own age.

@Faytella2020 . I don't want them. Getting older or not.
As for contraception, I'm not in a relationship. Nor am I ever in the position where I might get 'caught short.'

No absolutely not. Tbh I never even considered it as an option as stupid as that sounds. First wasn't planned as such, but was expected. And the others just followed because that's what you do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do envy the brains of my siblings who actually considered children as optional and decided not to have any.

I mean I'd not considered having no children as an option. Sorry that was unclear!

@ColonelSpondleClagnut i don’t think you’re the only one who didn’t consider not having children as an option.
Societal pressures are strong. You just need to see what happens when women (not men!) are in their 30s and childless….

I remember though this overwhelming feeling of wanting a child. This so called ‘natural’ need to reproduce. I’m not quite sure if this is more or a nature or nurture need tbh.

I had some biological imperative to have children. My entire being was crying, aching for a child. So I went ahead and had two. I wanted more but for reasons I had to stop at two.

And now even though they are adults and really just live their own lives and I just see them fairly regularly, and I love them and would hate to be without them, if I did it all again, I wouldnt have any children at all.

I wish I had known myself better, and that sounds wanky to me, but I love my own company, I dislike intensely parties and meetups and generally other people and yet when you have children, for 15 years + there is a person who will not leave you the fuck alone and needs chaperoning to parties and meetups.

I wish I had thought ahead from the baby years to the fact you will be worried about your children for the rest of your life.

The cost, the potential for single parenting, which I did for about 13 years, many many things that frankly I could have done without experiencing.

And then one of my children will visit me today and make me rethink all the above.

This 100%

Yes so costly when they at college. We have 2. The young toddler years are hard. Creches are costly too if u have a few. Dd is 17

@Boredatwork1234 I struggled to conceive my first child and went through several rounds of IVF before we had her so she was pretty expensive before she was even born!! Luckily we conceived naturally 5 years later and had our son. I was 40 with my first and 45 with my second so I’d had quite a lot of life before and worked for 25 years so I was ready to have a quieter life and happy to make sacrifices to be a sahm. I’ve never regretted having children though I think with hindsight I would have started trying earlier, maybe early 30s, then it would probably have been easier and it might have been possible to have more children as I always wanted to have 4 children but feel very lucky to have ended up with 2. Of course they are tremendously hard work but they are so worth it. Love them to bits.

@RedAndWhiteCarnations @Winnading Yes I guess I did have that urge to have a baby. I was certainly overjoyed when I was expecting, and for the most part have enjoyed being a parent. 😬

But looking back I see all the missed opportunities I could have had, (age and experience will do that though I guess).
Also the shit show that the world is turning into makes me worried for their future and it all seems rather pointless in many ways.

It sounds bleak - it is bleak when I think about it. My life isn't bleak though, it's filled with family and fun and all that jazz because I get on with it and don't think about what might have been. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was talking to someone the other day and said the reasons we still push motherhood as a society is that contraception is still reasonably new (in terms of the human race), it’s the first time we have had choices not to have children and I can see it changing slowly but not quick enough IMO.

People are still shocked on women’s right and when a woman could have a bank account without a male co-signer.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. My two were much older when I discovered their Dad’s infidelity, and like you I find the kids a huge source of consolation. Without that relationship I wouldn’t have had all the pain and grief, but I also wouldn’t have had them, so I wouldn’t change a thing.

Reading this thread makes me realise I’m very lucky to feel like that as it’s definitely not a given and I have so much sympathy and understanding for the women who regret having children.

@RumbleMum 100% spot on, I might be saying 2 or 3 kids and thinking it’s a big life decision but it’s given me some perspective for sure.

My heart goes out those women who would have remained childless (and the fact they have said it out loud is very brave)

In another life I'd like to have had more than two. I come from a large family and I miss the hubbub of everyone. But I would have had to started earlier and I might very well have struggled to have the career have - which I have loved.

But I would have had to have married someone better. Having got divorced when my DC were 7 and 5 I couldn't have coped as a single parent with a large brood and with a career.

So it worked out for the best. I love my two.

I wouldn't have had any.

I love my daughter, I really do, but I'm not a natural mother. I find it incredibly hard spending a lot of my time thinking about someone else's needs rather than my own. It seems selfish, but I'm very driven and goal orientated and being a mother has really limited that for me.

It's one of the reasons I'm reluctant to have any more. The thought of starting again and extending the number of years I have to be 'mum' and not much else, is quite depressing.

@Luxembourgmama I agree with this! I’d have started younger and had four if I could! I married very young at 19 but was widowed by 20 and didn’t marry again until I was 34 so time was flying past and then we had difficulties. Ended up having IVF and succeeded after 5 years with my first at 40. Out of the blue, I conceived naturally at 45 and had my second! Obviously I’m over the moon that we were able to have 2 but life would have been so different if I’d been to have them earlier. No regrets though because they’re fabulous kids and no trouble and we’re a happy family but obviously being widowed a year after marriage changed the course of my life.

I am always amazed how many couples just have children with no thought whatsoever.

DH and I discussed at length whether to have children or not (we decided not to) and yet most of our friends who have children admit they never discussed it. They just had them because "it's what you do"!

We have never regretted our decision and I am now 70 and DH is 67. Most of our friends with children (and grandchildren or even great grandchildren) though say if they could go back in time they would not have any