Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Knowing what you know now would you still have children / number of children you have?

219 replies

Boredatwork1234 · 29/09/2023 10:28

I’m going to start this as I love my two DC and I can’t imagine life without them. We are doing that typical should we go for a third etc but leaning more towards not using the phrase quality over quantity.

Speaking to a dad the other day, he said if he knew everything he knew now he wouldn’t have had a third he would have stuck at 2.

But flip side I know a dad with 1 child and he said he would have starting having children earlier (late 20s) as they waited till late 30s and would have liked 2 children.

We can’t change the past but just wondering what would you do now with todays knowledge? Would you change anything? What would you say to your younger self?

OP posts:
Manthide · 30/09/2023 12:32

I would have had my third much closer in age to my older 2 and would not have had a fourth. They are all wonderful and much loved but I'm 60 next year and still have dc3 at uni and dc4 at school (age 15). Life seems like a slog! Very stressful trying to give her the same opportunities as the others. Eldest two are now in their 30s.

trakehner · 30/09/2023 12:57

I probably wouldn't choose to have children if I could travel back in time with my knowledge of the intervening years. I have 4 DC and I love them dearly but I've lost so many loved ones- including my DH - in tragic and unexpected circumstances, I'm just destroyed by it and live my life in constant fear and anxiety of who I may lose next. The Simon & Garfunkel song "I am a rock" sums my feelings up perfectly - "If I'd never loved I never would have cried".

TheaBrandt · 30/09/2023 13:14

I think when they are little and cute and you can pass clothes down etc it’s easy not to fully appreciate what’s required later on. It is different to our day far more is expected of us as parents emotionally and financially than was of our own parents.

Dh and I very keen to gradually dial down our work and enjoy our last stage of active adult life the thought of having to spend that time still parenting makes me want to cry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
McIntire · 30/09/2023 13:23

trakehner · 30/09/2023 12:57

I probably wouldn't choose to have children if I could travel back in time with my knowledge of the intervening years. I have 4 DC and I love them dearly but I've lost so many loved ones- including my DH - in tragic and unexpected circumstances, I'm just destroyed by it and live my life in constant fear and anxiety of who I may lose next. The Simon & Garfunkel song "I am a rock" sums my feelings up perfectly - "If I'd never loved I never would have cried".

I’m so sorry you’ve had so much tragedy and sadness in your life

i think the larger your family there’s more sadness and more happiness. It’s an emotional roller coaster.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/09/2023 14:01

Hate to say it... I'd stay childless.

rowantree1997 · 30/09/2023 14:03

Very happy with 3 - there's always something going on.

PerspiringElizabeth · 30/09/2023 14:04

Our 3rd is only 18 months old and DH has a vasectomy TODAY - utterly delighted we decided to go for number 3 after years of ‘Will we-won’t we’…… DH said today if he’d had that vasectomy with only 2 kids he would have felt a bit empty and sad but 3 is just right for us and feel soooo happy and complete and excited for next chapter now! (Oldest DC is 8).

So yes so far so good and would do it again. Body cannot do another one but in a perfect world - no need to work, big house, no money issues, no eco issues - yes, would have had a 4th.

Tangled123 · 30/09/2023 15:14

1 is the most our circumstances will allow at the moment but I always expected to have 2. I don’t regret our only, but I do wish I made better choices in my 20s to make the second a more realistic possibility.

Vettrianofan · 30/09/2023 15:20

LittlePlumTree · 29/09/2023 10:34

Absolutely not. I would have had no children.

This. My hair is getting whiter by the day, not greyer!

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/09/2023 15:29

I always wanted two but found myself unexpectedly broody after having my second. I’d have loved more but having lost my ddad young i worried about dh or I having to cope alone if the worst was to happen and dh was worried about our finances so we stuck with two. As it turned out we are both fine and wouldn’t have struggled financially with more so I wish we’d gone for it, but we made the best decision we could at the time.

CoodleMoodle · 30/09/2023 16:18

We had 2, both in our twenties. I'd never change either of them for the world, but it would be easier with just one. Things would be less expensive, I could dedicate more time to an only child, wouldn't have to worry about the other one, etc. But they both bring so much joy to my life and overall they're worth it.

Plus, the love they have for one another is unreal ❤️

JaninaDuszejko · 30/09/2023 16:34

We have 3 (15, 14 & 11 now). After the youngest was born I was very sure I didn't want to go through another pregnancy and baby years (I really struggled with maternity leave and the preschool years, good thing DH was excellent at that stage). However, I'm loving having teenagers and would happily have a fourth if I magically could without the baby years. That may be because I am one of four though and know as a teenager and adult being part of a large family is wonderful.

Docke · 30/09/2023 18:10

trakehner · 30/09/2023 12:57

I probably wouldn't choose to have children if I could travel back in time with my knowledge of the intervening years. I have 4 DC and I love them dearly but I've lost so many loved ones- including my DH - in tragic and unexpected circumstances, I'm just destroyed by it and live my life in constant fear and anxiety of who I may lose next. The Simon & Garfunkel song "I am a rock" sums my feelings up perfectly - "If I'd never loved I never would have cried".

I’m very sorry to hear that you lost your husband, @trakehner

I know you didn’t ask for advice or opinions but your post made me think of my husband. He’s had an awful lot of tragedy in his life. One parent had a very cruel and long illness that started when my husband was a toddler and he grew up under that shadow. His parent was sick for over 40 years and spent their last 12 years immobile in a nursing home.

Soon after their death, his other parent died exceptionally unexpectedly and in very tragic and shocking circumstances. It was horrendous.

My husband is an only child. Everything has fallen on him. He has no extended family so, apart from me, he’s all alone.

I come from a big family. While we haven’t had the level of tragedy my husband has had, I think having family around would have made things easier on him. He feels very alone now.

I’m very sorry that your children have lost their father, but I hope that they were able to comfort each other. I don’t know what ages they are but as they get older, I hope they’re close as adults too and can support each other in tough times.

PinkRiceKrispies · 30/09/2023 18:22

I don't have any and am glad. I don't dislike kids, just find them exhausting and if I am honest, a bit boring.
I'm 38 now also and so feel it's too old. I know someone who had 2 kids in their late twenties/early thirties, now had a third, just a few months short of her 40th birthday. I couldn't imagine going through all the baby stuff and also dealing with pre teens.

Faytella2020 · 30/09/2023 19:58

PinkRiceKrispies · 30/09/2023 18:22

I don't have any and am glad. I don't dislike kids, just find them exhausting and if I am honest, a bit boring.
I'm 38 now also and so feel it's too old. I know someone who had 2 kids in their late twenties/early thirties, now had a third, just a few months short of her 40th birthday. I couldn't imagine going through all the baby stuff and also dealing with pre teens.

38 isn't too late. If you don't want them stay on contraception 🤗

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 30/09/2023 20:00

Love so much, but what the world is becoming, and the eye watering costs, absolutely not.

HappierTimesAhead · 30/09/2023 20:02

I love having two but I could not go through the sleep deprivation again, it took me to a very dark place.

Grumpyolebitch · 30/09/2023 20:04

I have 2 with a large age gap. I deeply regret having them. Especially my second one.

wannabetraveler · 30/09/2023 20:04

I'd have started earlier and had more.

I have three children, and was 31, 34 and 37 when I had them; I'd have preferred closer together but I had lots of fertility issues and losses.

If I had my time again I'd have tried to conceive a couple of years earlier. Four would have been great. Expensive, but great!

Moopyhereagain · 30/09/2023 20:14

Love my 2 (19 & 26) and wouldn’t change etc etc But (massive but) I do sometimes think that if I hadn’t had any and didn’t know them it would have been better not to have any at all. Am widowed, lots of complicated life stuff - and flipping heck uni and getting them started in adult life is so so expensive and stressful. Teenage years are fun in lots of ways but brutal in others. Wish I hadn’t focused on having a baby ( which lasts 5 mins) but on having People who I will be tied to /worry about and be responsible for forever. Plus as pp climate change and basically world being a massive mess..

Faytella2020 · 30/09/2023 20:19

Grumpyolebitch · 30/09/2023 20:04

I have 2 with a large age gap. I deeply regret having them. Especially my second one.

This is my fear with regards to a 2nd.

PandaCup · 30/09/2023 21:01

I have 3 children with big age gaps. Had DS1 (16) when I was 18, DS2 (6) when I was 29 and DD (1 month old) at 35. There's honestly nothing I would change. Of course I sometimes wonder if having them closer together would have been the better option, but the age gap helps to spread the cost of having a teen/childcare fee's/sports etc. I dont think there's ever an 'ideal' to having a family, and we could find fault with all options (too young/ too old/ to close together/ too far apart/ worked too much/ worked too little) but it's about perspective and how you choose to look at things. I would have regretted not having my third despite fully knowing the challenges of parenting that lie ahead. Both DP and I had pretty grim childhoods though so we take a lot of pleasure in spending time with the kids and making nice memories for them to have as they grow older.

I think as parents we put our selves under too much pressure nowadays to spend such a lot on the latest trends and do expensive things, that it can make the strain too much to bear! We've become quite frugal and really scaled back what the kids expect from us and I'd say we're all much more relaxed and happier for it

tescocreditcard · 30/09/2023 21:07

OP I've been on mumsnet for 15 years and this is the most interesting and eye opening thread i've ever seen here.

It's astonishing how many of us just got married and had kids because it was expected. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but If i had my time again, I would just be me and do what I wanted.

McIntire · 30/09/2023 21:22

tescocreditcard · 30/09/2023 21:07

OP I've been on mumsnet for 15 years and this is the most interesting and eye opening thread i've ever seen here.

It's astonishing how many of us just got married and had kids because it was expected. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but If i had my time again, I would just be me and do what I wanted.

It is really interesting although I do feel the responses may differ depending on how old your DCs are.

I have always been of the opinion that children should enhance your life not dominate it.

I’m very much living my own life now they’re adults and it’s reassuring to know that they’re there now, if and when I need them.

Flippingfruitflies · 30/09/2023 21:22

Right now I’d say I wouldn’t have had any children but I’m an older mam doing it a second time. I also have adult children. I wish I’d just had one child. Life isn’t easy right now.