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Original poster

Re-gifting caught out?!

216 replies

Friendorfoe10 · 24/09/2023 19:20

A friend who I thought was a good friend regifted my daughter things her daughter didn't use for my daughters birthday. I've seen these items in her house, so I know she did this.

I am starting to think she's not a good friend or she doesn't see me as a good friend, which makes me feel disappointed. I made an effort with her kids presents and asked her what they would like.

Am I over thinking the gift issue or would you read into it?

I don't have an issue regifting presents generally for kids birthdays, but for kids in strong friendship groups I wouldn't do this.

Interested to hear other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 01/10/2023 22:11

@YouAreBeingUnbearable my responses relate to two separate questions. Yes I am overthinking the present situation, this is not disputed. I do however think differently about the friendship as a result.

OP posts:
Oioicaptain · 01/10/2023 22:14

Of course, if you believe in Karma, her child is probably having a massive tantrum now because they can't find their toy. In fact, I might be tempted to invite the mother and child along for a playdate and have the gifts very prominently displayed and get your daughter to play with them. If they have been regifted and were her daughter's you will soon know about it, with the mother then trying to come up with excuses about how they're still at home, before having to rush out and replace them. And who knows, they might be harder to replace now! 😉

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 01/10/2023 22:15

I see where you're coming from @Friendorfoe10 and I would be disappointed too. I think there is a difference if the family were struggling but where they're not, it is pretty rubbish to just grab a used toy from the playroom and not be honest about it being secondhand.

To me, re-gifting, is passing on unused gifts in a gift condition (ie. look new). Essentially re-wrapping something you've been given but not used.

There is also nothing wrong about gifting secondhand items, but I would always be honest that it was secondhand. I usually mention in advance because not everyone is happy to receive something secondhand.

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Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 01/10/2023 22:16

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 01/10/2023 22:15

I see where you're coming from @Friendorfoe10 and I would be disappointed too. I think there is a difference if the family were struggling but where they're not, it is pretty rubbish to just grab a used toy from the playroom and not be honest about it being secondhand.

To me, re-gifting, is passing on unused gifts in a gift condition (ie. look new). Essentially re-wrapping something you've been given but not used.

There is also nothing wrong about gifting secondhand items, but I would always be honest that it was secondhand. I usually mention in advance because not everyone is happy to receive something secondhand.

Thank you

OP posts:
Stravaig · 01/10/2023 22:16

Friendorfoe10 · 01/10/2023 22:09

I am not consumerist at all. You clearly haven't read the chain of messages before responding. I was asking for advice, so please don't be so judgement without understanding the wider context!

Show quote history

I read all your messages. You place value on something being new. Your friend chose something which your daughter likes: that is the entire point of a gift! YOU feel the gift is thoughtless because you suspect it's not new. You are ignoring that your friend chose well; they chose something your daughter likes; and that shows their thought and care.

stichguru · 01/10/2023 22:16

I think you're over thinking this as the gifts haven't been used AND your daughter WILL enjoy them, and her daughter genuinely won't. It would be rude to give something used obviously. I'd also be offended if it was something either your daughter wouldn't like it, or VERY generic like soap or chocolate or something. I think though if it's something more unusual though that the friend has thought, "I won't use these, but X will actually LOVE them", it's fine. For example I love doing embroidery, if a friend was gifted some really good scissors or aida that they really wouldn't use, but I would love and would help me not have to spend money of those things I NEED for my hobby, then I'd be fine with the re-gifting.

PinkRiceKrispies · 01/10/2023 22:24

I used to have a best friend who was a teacher. She got bought a lush gift set for Christmas and regifted it to me. I know this because she left the tag on saying 'To Miss Stevens, Merry Christmas, love Freya xx'. It did hurt if I'm honest. By all means regift but to not even check the label was off was just hurtful. She also regifted me an Easter egg that I had bought for her.
I'm glad we are not friends anymore.

In general, regifting is not wrong in my eyes but at least check you have taken the bloody labels off first.

Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 01/10/2023 22:26

@Stravaig it's about the thought. I know it was thoughtless and it's not about the gifts being used. Somethings my daughter liked and others are not age appropriate (hence the lack of thought). It's just like me going around my house wrapping things up and turning up to a birthday party. I personally wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
whyisitallsohard · 01/10/2023 22:26

i find gift receiving and gift buying quite stressful tbh. i absolutely hate doing it and i'd rather someone just write me a card. i am not good at getting gifts mainly because i don't like being given them either. when people buy me expensive gifts it makes me feel uncomfortable. i'm a bit like sheldon cooper that way. i'd rather spend time with someone with coffee and cake or a long chat on the phone.

what has your friend been like with gifts in the past?
if it is re-gifted, maybe it was because they noticed your dd would like them?
maybe just ask them casually one day what made them think of this gift for your dd - that might help you see where the "thought" came from, after you've told them how much your dd loved the pressie.

maybe they are struggling now, not before. who knows. maybe they are trying to set an expectation from now on, like what to give in the future to their own kids.

it can feel hurtful. i know because i've been the one who wasn't good at getting people gifts, but in all honesty, the ones i'm still friends with understand me and i understand them. not sure if that helps, but i just see it as a meh. i'm more about how they treat me and others. friendships are about how you support each other, more than anything else :)

Escapetofrance · 01/10/2023 22:30

I understand what you’re saying. I wouldn’t give someone a gift if i had thought they’d seen it in my house, unwanted. It is the thought that counts & when little thought has gone into it, it can hurt.
I’m all for donating to charity, giving things away, but this is different.

paulthepython · 01/10/2023 22:39

It's posts like this that really stress me out about birthday parties and birthdays. Thankfully my best friend would be absolutely happy with anything from us for her kids and I've given second hand things where I've seen them in a charity shop and thought her kids would like them. I see it as a mark of how close we are that we would be happy with anything because gifts don't define our friendship.

That said, I hate that I read your post...because I'm super conscious about how gifts are perceived by people we don't know. Daughters 5th birthday she had duplicates of multiple gifts (small market town, a distance from town centre, and limited shops so inevitable really) and I've been so anxious about regifting them at the parties we are invited to - it's left me really worrying. I really needed to regift as we simply can't afford to be buying for another party every other week and it's also wasteful having perfectly fine gifts sat about but I've still been reluctant to use them and it's such a shame.

Parentalalienation · 01/10/2023 22:44

This happened to me for my 18th birthday. My cousin is a couple of years older. When she was 18 our grandparents bought her a silver-backed dressing table set (mirror, brush, comb) all in a nice presentation box. Cousin & aunty not impressed and made feelings known about it being old-fashioned.
Come my 18th, what do I get from my aunty and cousin? Yes, the silver backed set BUT the mirror missing and a small porcelain vase in its place in the box.
What did I actually get from my grandparents for my 18th? A canteen of cutlery which I still use on special occasions :-) and which they'd asked if it would be okay and what pattern did I want. So my cousin did me a favour really!

Baba197 · 01/10/2023 22:47

I would feel hurt if it was a close friend especially if you know they aren’t struggling for money. I always ask what people would like if we are good friends and they do in return, i regift things for classmates who my son isn’t that close to so it wouldn’t bother me if they did the same but I agree it would sting in your position

LizzyLongbow · 01/10/2023 23:02

I think you need to work on your self esteem OP. For all you know she might have put a lot of thought into the gifts. Who decides how much 'thought' has gone into gifts? It's completely subjective.

JanglingJack · 01/10/2023 23:21

My Nam regifted me a spa named set of body wash, cream, scrub etc.

She didn't even care that she'd used half of it. She saw it, she thought I'd like it and she wrapped it 🤣 I miss my Nan!

JanglingJack · 01/10/2023 23:22

Sorry OP but I think you are overreacting. Your daughter liked the present. Super.

Ffion21 · 02/10/2023 06:59

Just to maybe try and give a different spin to this…

when they get to school parties and endless and relentless and there are a ton of toys. Tons. Too much. Therefore toys get played with less and clear outs and donating them starts.

There is a mum from school (our kids go to the same school and same class, she isn’t a friend, she’s nice though, just know her through kids being in same class). She is quite open about the fact she recycles her sons played with toys for birthdays. Never said but doesn’t hide the fact either.

for my sons birthday in February she gifted him little super wings toppers in a little Christmas drawstring bag and some loose Lindt lindor ball chocolates. I thought it was weird as it was clearly her kids toys and some loose chocolates she’d thrown from a box and reusing Christmas gift bag in feb.

However she asked me one day after whether my son liked the superthings. Truth is he loved them, now collects his own. She said to me that they were her sons toys and he selected them specifically as he knew my son would love them.

I then felt bad as he’s literally giving his own toys away! However it’s actually way more thoughtful than buying a random gift as her son has thought about what my son would like and has so kindly given up something that to us is ‘just a toy’ but it’s their possessions. What a kind lesson for her son and so thoughtful for mine.

I regift toys which are unused, I wouldn’t do as above, but I’m also absoloutely fine with it and appreciated it.

Perhaps she genuinely felt your daughter would love it and that’s the thought.

SíDoMhamóí · 02/10/2023 07:09

It sounds like a thoughtful present to me - the proof being your kid likes it. If she didn't like it then it would be a thoughtless gift

BoyMamma2 · 02/10/2023 08:09

I think it shows lack of care and thought. I would never regift a close friend. Unwanted gifts are for charity

Ssme92 · 02/10/2023 08:19

@Friendorfoe10 but how do you know it was thoughtless? How do you know they didn't carefully select those toys knowing your daughter would love them?

Elaina87 · 02/10/2023 09:24

I see what you mean about the lack of thought, but it might even be because she feels close to you she feels she can do that and you won't judge. Maybe they are struggling a bit financially but hiding it, and she feels she has to buy new spangly things for other people.

Britsy · 02/10/2023 09:43

Absolutely agree and you’re right to feel hurt, I would be too.

But really, what can be done about it without you coming off as the bad guy. I would just try and move on and not let it affect the friendship.

PositanoBay · 02/10/2023 09:48

Regift it back? She'll get the message then!

Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 02/10/2023 09:54

Britsy · 02/10/2023 09:43

Absolutely agree and you’re right to feel hurt, I would be too.

But really, what can be done about it without you coming off as the bad guy. I would just try and move on and not let it affect the friendship.

Thank you. I agree, I am not going to say anything.

OP posts:
Absolutelyridiculous · 02/10/2023 11:49

I think it sometimes depends on the friend who gave it. I have a very good friend that likes to make things and the gift is usually thoughtful & useful. She used to give my kids second hand toys and I was never offended. They were selected with care. Depends on the person whose giving it.