Re-gifting caught out?!

[Friendorfoe10]

A friend who I thought was a good friend regifted my daughter things her daughter didn't use for my daughters birthday. I've seen these items in her house, so I know she did this.

I am starting to think she's not a good friend or she doesn't see me as a good friend, which makes me feel disappointed. I made an effort with her kids presents and asked her what they would like.

Am I over thinking the gift issue or would you read into it?

I don't have an issue regifting presents generally for kids birthdays, but for kids in strong friendship groups I wouldn't do this.

Interested to hear other peoples opinions.

I'm very pro re-gifting if its unused and something I genuinely would've bought for the person anyway! Not so much with the used gifts but I suppose you don't know what someone had going on that day. (for example on the outset people, even those very close to us, would most definitely assume we don't struggle with money but in reality we struggle massively).

But to sympathise with you OP, I was once gifted a used tub of body cream.... Someone had taken a big scoop out of the tub, and then closed it up and gifted it to me 🙈

My son is older, young teenage. His friend had a birthday, normally I prep my son and remind him to buy a card and present. I forgot for this particular friend. So my son turned up for the sleepover without a gift or card, the next day at school he bought him a bag of sweets and gave them to him at school. A week later the mum text me to ask if my son had meant to not give her son a present because she hadn’t seen one and her son wasn’t sure basically. And I was quite disgusted and annoyed that she had messaged tbh, I replied and said that funds were tight and we were hectic and so I had forgotten to remind him but that he had given him a gift of some sweets the following day. She relied and said, oh ok sorry to ask but was just wondering.
definitely don’t ask and point it out, you don’t know the reasons why. But there will be a reason why. And really, it doesn’t really matter and it shouldn’t mean anything for your friendship. What that mum did affected our friendship and I asked my son so he then knew about it and it also affected their friendship.

I totally get where you're coming from and wish people would read properly and stop accusing you of being materialistic. I had a very close family member give my newborn some obviously second hand clothes, and before anybody jumps at me too it wasn't about them being second hand (not from a charity shop, I think given to her from someone with an older child) but that they were well worn, smelt musty and were VERY outdated. Not only that but they were completely the wrong season (born in spring, clothes were thick knitted items) I was incredibly hurt because I put so much thought into gifts for them 😔 If they had just passed them on as used items then fine, but they had wrapped them and put in gift bags! A new top for the baby would of cost less than the wrapping! You're not wrong to re-evaluate, maybe gift something more generic next time and not ask what is really wanted, it won't be wasted as she'll probably regift it 🤣

YANBU, put less effort and expense into presents for them.

She doesn’t ask you what dd wants so why should you ask her dd wants?

Match their effort, don’t over extend yourself.

Maybe she thought your daughter would like them so gifted them rather than allow them to sit around unused

God - how awful.

Therein lies the perfect answer.

You're over thinking it. Don't worry. So long as all the kids are happy, all is well. Once you've spent money on a gift and it has left your hands, it isn't up to you what happens to it.

I regift on generic things, eg when my 5 year old had a party with 20+ friends and got about 8 different bead/jewellery sets, way too many to use. I'll take half and use them for gifts at the next party but am meticulous on writing down who gave who what so I never gift the same thing back. I think every one does this to an extent and if its unused and appropriate for the child then why not.

But if it's been used, or a close friends kid, very different ball game. I would feel the same as you OP.

And this is why I told my friends I'm not doing presents for their kids. If they have a party and invite my dc then fair enough but otherwise nope. My brain space is taken up by my own family crap

I she just a bit chaotic…? I ALWAYS have good gift intentions, and 80% of the time I deliver - but the other 20% I get busy, or life happens, and then I have a ‘present drawer’ of things - from which I regift duplicates of things / something from a stash of fool proof books that I top up sporadically….

gifts aren’t one of my love languages so they can slip down the priority list when life is busy.

in the context of a friendship it just doesn’t feel like it needs to be a big issue. Or an issue at all.

Exactly this.

Gifts are a waste of time, but if you must exchange them, don't fall out over them.

My mother made a comment about a gift my friend bought for me as she thought it was much cheaper than the gift I gave to her. I lost my friend and hated my mother for it.

Maybe your daughter played with these items at your friends house so she gave them to her?

If it’s used that would be a bit odd. If unused and still in the box I think that’s fine with young children. We’ve had the same present twice before. I just regifted it to another child. What else am I to do? Send it straight to landfill? That’s mad when a child could get a lot of enjoyment from it. I wouldn’t end a friendship over this. I’d assume she was disorganised or overwhelmed with parenting etc or thinking of the environment. If she did similar for your 30th bday then maybe I’d be worried about the friendship.

Hands up, I have done this.

if I know DC won’t use them I will regift to someone who I know would or pass to charity (I don’t sell). I also look out for items on sale for future gifts as we don’t have an awful lot of spare money and birthdays and Christmas are difficult.

Last year I bought all this years Christmas presents on New Years Eve (just passed midnight when the prices dropped again).

please don’t feel annoyed, sometimes there is as much or more thought in doing this.

If you're asking about the dynamic of your friendship, there's probably more to this than a birthday present. Go with your gut - I was 'friends' with a narcissist for 8 years before I extricated myself. I had similar birthday experiences.

Why are you swaying so wildly in your responses from “yes I agree I’m overthinking” to “I’m definitely going to view this friendship differently”?

YABU, by the way. Your kid likes the item and that’s literally all that matters.

Your friend very kindly gave your daughter a gift for her birthday, a gift that your daughter likes, enjoys, was happy to receive. That is mission accomplished! What more could you possibly want? Your friend gets extra brownie points for re-gifting, especially as she clearly chose well.

YABVU, and I hope not passing on your consumerist attitudes to your daughter. I hope your friend doesn't get wind of this thread. 😬

I virtually always buy children a gift that my children already have, as I know it's a good toy. I've also re-gifted duplicate gifts and bought a gift that someone else has bought my children as I thought it was a good idea. I also buy the same gift for a lot of children. I really struggle with buying gifts, so try to stick with tried and tested things that I know have gone down well.

I haven't re-gifted something if I didn't think it was so good, that would likely end up at a charity shop, if my children showed little to no interest and had finished playing with it.

I would just like to add that I would honestly find it more thoughtful to see someone regifting a present to me they genuinely thought I would like over running into a shop and buying something random just for the sake of it being "bought brand new".... Purchasing a new present doesn't necessarily mean lots of thought and consideration has gone into it either! I'm a very very thoughtful person, I regift! 🙈

I’m struggling with the concept of this. Your dc was given a book last year that had the child’s name written inside the front cover and had been scribbled on. The child also told your dc he didn’t want the book anymore. However the child is now a tween? This seems pretty bizarre behaviour for a child classed as a tween!

You would be surprised but people I know had a regifting cabinet.
Some people do not care only care about following the gift protocol without much thought about the gift itself. Also, for kids is not so bad I guess.

I don't have a problem re gifting things generally, and I have done it in the past where the item was new and boxed and I thought the recipient would like it. Usually they were things that my child received as gifts for b'days but already had the item. I do think that it's a bit lazy for a close friend, but generally it is better for the environment. Providing that the person isn't just palming off their old tat on you, then I think that it's ok.

I am not consumerist at all. You clearly haven't read the chain of messages before responding. I was asking for advice, so please don't be so judgement without understanding the wider context!

I think re-gifting is a good idea and saves waste, if the item is new and unused then so long as its not something that you previously gave you probably wouldn't even know. If its second hand or preloved I think there are ways it can be done that turn it from a perceived second thought to something more meaningful. Like a thoutful note explaining why it's been gifted or the history of the item, or if it was chosen by their child to gift to yours personally I think its those touches that make the difference. It's the thought that counts.