Re-gifting caught out?!

[Friendorfoe10]

A friend who I thought was a good friend regifted my daughter things her daughter didn't use for my daughters birthday. I've seen these items in her house, so I know she did this.

I am starting to think she's not a good friend or she doesn't see me as a good friend, which makes me feel disappointed. I made an effort with her kids presents and asked her what they would like.

Am I over thinking the gift issue or would you read into it?

I don't have an issue regifting presents generally for kids birthdays, but for kids in strong friendship groups I wouldn't do this.

Interested to hear other peoples opinions.

I've regifted to my husband and sister before! I don't see it as a bad thing because it's not a big deal.

Maybe your friend is reducing waste, or has noticed her child has lots of gifts they don't need, and thought your daughter would love them more.

But gift giving is not about ‘passing things on’ - especially things you don’t want. I just can’t get my head around why people think like this. Aren’t you embarrassed? If not, you should be. Gifts should be chosen to suit the recipient, not treated like a trip to the tip.

I was the friend once. Her daughter was 6 months younger than mine so when it came to Xmas, I thought really carefully about what toy my daughter absolutely loved and also which one gave me the most peace!

I was about to send it to charity so instead I carefully cleaned it, really took my time over it and then wrapped and gave it to her instead.

It took a lot longer than ordering a new one on Amazon! Plus was much better for the planet.

This wasn't a new item..would you give someone a child's toy which had been used as a birthday gift?
You know items you don't want can actually be sold or given to charity. That is not wasteful. I sell gifts that I don't want to keep sometimes or sometimes just give them to charity. A few times I gave toys away to my kid's school/nursery. But I wouldn't ever give my children's used toys to another child as a gift.

I feel for you completely - I am like you. I spend time considering what the child likes and then more time looking for something appropriate within budget. This came completely naturally to me, I didn't consider any other way of being, and if I'm completely honest I really enjoy doing this.

However, my children are still young, so quite new to this game, and when my eldest had his first birthday party with school friends it was an eye-opener in terms of the types of things people gave as gifts. I realised that I really don't need to spend too much time searching for kids that aren't core friends (and have since re-gifted things that my kids receive but I know won't play with to these non core friends), but I still make an effort for his close friends or for parties that clearly cost the parents a lot of money to host (such as at special venues etc.) This isn't reciprocated by all of them and I do still feel affronted when this happens, but I'm slowly making my peace with the fact that not everyone is into gifting as much as I am, or cares about social niceties as me. It's hard, I was sad, but I'm beginning to accept it... I feel like I'm growing up 😂

I don't see anything wrong with it. If her DD didn't like the gift then what's wrong with passing it on to someone, your DD, who would like it? Too much crap is bought and thrown away these days, it's good that people are reusing/regifting things!

It's an absolute nerve. I couldn't be bothered being friends with somebody who did this kind of thing.

I spent a lot of time sourcing a gift for my sister's 50th birthday only to get it back 2 years later. I know it was the same one because it still had the label and the shop had closed down 4 months after I bought it. Very thoughtless of her.

I’d be disappointed with this. The child may not have liked the toy at all. Lovely if you give it as a present directly from your child (eg I loved playing with this loads and my mummy got a bit of peace) plus the cash equivalent.

Spending your time thinking about this sort of thing isn’t healthy. In the grand scheme of life it is so insignificant. I would consider therapy if you’re not having it already just to chat through some of the overthinking that you mention. These really are very small things to be worrying about, and also quite materialistic things

Perhaps she is suffering from eco guilt and trying to mitigate it.
I wouldn’t be bothered as long as my child liked the gifts. In fact some years I asked family members with older kids to give us hand me downs. My kids were little and didn’t know or care if they received something second hand.

Had a present re-gifted from friends, easily spotted as we gifted the unique item, the mother has form, so the child probably never set eyes on the unwrapped present, my child loved it, so no harm done.
My cousin's wedding present from a friend contained the label they had kept with the present for the 'thank you' letter.
I'm not aware of the truly skint re-gifting, a thoughtful charity shop buy or a 'sorry we can't afford it' message more likely.

Thank you. I don't over think everything but I do agree I'm over thinking this. It just bothers me, not from a materialist perspective ( I'm not materialistic at all) but more of reciprocal thoughtfulness.

I would not assume that there has been no thought. I registered all the time. Mostly because my child loves lego and dinosaurs. Many people go for the obvious and buy him dino lego sets. That is thoughtful of them. But lego only do so many dino sets!! We have them all!

So we have gifts we cannot use. I also buy certain things when I see them on sale. I recently bought some nerf guns, I always stock up on smiggle sales, just different bits that I know children my dcs age would like.

We have a cupboard with present stuff, wrapping paper, cards etc. My dc go shopping in it to pick out things their friends will like. Sometimes there is nothing there and we buy something, sometimes is the perfect thing.

Regifting is utterly sensible. It need not be thoughtless.

Au contraire.
The OP felt hurt at her friend's dismissive gift, and seeming thoughtlessness. Denying hurt feelings to oneself (regardless of 'significance' - it's not a contest! It habitually IS the small things that hit sore) is the unhealthy response; it's perfectly healthy to feel and express hurt!
It's incredibly poor form may I say (and that's me putting it politely...) to suggest the OP requires therapy for feeling a perfectly 'normal' (in the accepted sense) emotional response.

Regifting is a perfect example of caring for the planet and it's resources. Your friend has obviously noticed that your child liked those items.
Do not be offended, be proud to teach your daughter to be thankful for every gift and to notice sensible exchanges and reuse of toys..

Why do gifts carry such an emotional load. If they are in new condition there is nothing to fuss about.

If regifting doesn't matter so much as suggested by the majority, just re gift these gifts to her daughter for her birthday.

Same thing happened to me. Like you, it was something I didn't mind having back.

I had an inkling this friend re-gifted things as a small group of us exchanged gifts to a set budget and her gifts were often over our agreed price point! But I did think she would be more careful and not regift back to the donor!

I couldn't care less if someone regifts something to me or the DC. I'm actively in favour of it. We've spent decades filling the planet with millions of tonnes of pointless shite - I'd much rather have a regift than a pointlessly new thing.

Also, I'd rather people saved their money - new for newness sake only is daft imo.

I think, tbh, I'd be a bit miffed but not quite sure why. It perhaps sounds a bit last minute..oh shit I've forgotten x's gift what shall I do? I know I'll wrap these up and give them to her. She'll never know.
Bit off when you've spent time money and thought on her daughter's gift. Maybe you could re gift them next year OP?

In that case... no I don't think they are worth it

@Mummyoflittledragon but even if it was brand new... they might not have liked it? Doesn't that apply to every present ever? Apologies if I've misunderstood!

My Granny once re-gifted me a washing up bowl that a) she had specifically asked for and b) I had given her the previous Christmas. I was 8.

Turns out to have been a brilliant present because this was 1984 and it snowed just after Christmas, so the washing up bowl became a surprisingly speedy sledge.

Sometimes regifting turns out to be great.

I never regift but once got a set I bought for a friend that I’d bought her a year or two before that I know I gushed over too much. I was thrilled! She said she knew I’d liked it so she bought one for me too but she wouldn’t have been able to (they went out of stock almost immediately!) If you’re basing her not being friends just because she regifted then yes I’d say you’re being very unreasonable