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Original poster

Re-gifting caught out?!

216 replies

Friendorfoe10 · 24/09/2023 19:20

A friend who I thought was a good friend regifted my daughter things her daughter didn't use for my daughters birthday. I've seen these items in her house, so I know she did this.

I am starting to think she's not a good friend or she doesn't see me as a good friend, which makes me feel disappointed. I made an effort with her kids presents and asked her what they would like.

Am I over thinking the gift issue or would you read into it?

I don't have an issue regifting presents generally for kids birthdays, but for kids in strong friendship groups I wouldn't do this.

Interested to hear other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
angelfacecuti75 · 25/09/2023 21:07

No..it is because she was skint and wanted badly to get your daughter a pressie.
Or she was too tired to go to the shops.
Or too depresssed.
Or trying to be sensible with cash.
But she wanted to give your daughter a present.
She wanted to partcipate.
She wanted your daughter to have a gift.
It is a gift , nonetheless, regifted or not . It is the fact she thought enough of your daughter despite life's difficulties, she gave one. What use is it overthinking it?

Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 25/09/2023 21:11

Startingagainandagain · 25/09/2023 20:20

This is just daft...

Your daughter enjoys the gift so what is your issue?

Maybe she is struggling with money, maybe she cares about the environment and like recycling things as much as possible, maybe she was under stress and forgot to buy something so she did the best she could.

Frankly, if you base friendship on how much money is spent on gifts, that is a rather shallow way of looking at the world.

Please read the context of the message. It's not about money, it's about being disappointed about lack of thought.

OP posts:
Winnipeg23 · 25/09/2023 21:56

Who cares? It's just a gift and endless buying gifts and mindings all mount up. And "it's the lack of thought issue" I find a bit precious.
Just be grateful. Definitely extreme first world problem.
Sorry😬

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GabriellaFaith · 25/09/2023 22:28

I think a lot of people here are commenting without really reading the post. She's upset because she's put a lot of thought and time into the gifts she brought and she feels that hasn't been replicated back. So I think saying friendship shouldn't be about money is missing the point.

I completly get feeling like someone doesn't care as much as you do. We all want the best for our kids and like to feel our friends are good role models for then too and care about our child.

I have experienced similar to this. I always feel annoyed when a parent just puts "from x" in the birthday card rather than giving it to their child to write, not even a "to x"! It is completely about the thought.

Ilovecleaning · 25/09/2023 23:09

The relatives in this story are all 40+ so no children involved 😊:
My DD gave my step daughter lovely, premium toiletries for Christmas. SD gave my DD the usual really cheap crap.
SD then regifted the toiletries to me or my birthday (few weeks after Xmas).
I was very proud of myself when I said “Oh, thank you! This is the Christmas present that my DD gave you! I’m really pleased because I love this brand. I’m glad they’re not going to waste.”
Silence.
(Inward evil laughter from me)
Before anyone replies saying how mean I am/ she’s probably broke/it’s the thought that counts I need to point out that there is a looong backstory of CFuckery, taking, deception and entitlement; I had had enough 😊

Ilovecleaning · 25/09/2023 23:10

Winnipeg23 · 25/09/2023 21:56

Who cares? It's just a gift and endless buying gifts and mindings all mount up. And "it's the lack of thought issue" I find a bit precious.
Just be grateful. Definitely extreme first world problem.
Sorry😬

It’s the deception.

Ilovecleaning · 25/09/2023 23:12

Changingplace · 24/09/2023 19:38

Friendship isn’t about money, if your daughter enjoys the toys I don’t see the issue.

I think it’s very materialistic and sad to judge an entire friendship on the perceived cost of a gift :(

It’s the deception.

Katy123456 · 25/09/2023 23:13

If it was something my kid would like this wouldn't bother me one bit!

Lots of reasons she could have done this - maybe the daughter knew your daughter really liked it and wanted to kindly give it to her and the mum has gone with it as a) it's thoughtful from the daughter and b) better for the environment.

We have regifted (in fairness only new unused things where we have duplicates) but always with some thought into what we give who and our children have a choice about regifting them to friends V taking them back to shops for something else for themselves.

SomeoneKidda · 25/09/2023 23:34

I think that on MN, many gift threads (secondhand/regifting/what OH bought you for Christmas/etc end up being sort of split between people who assign emotional meaning/intent to gift giving, and those who don't.

I never think that gifts should ever be used as a barometer of worth or love, or anything really. How people act day to day and treat me and the people I love is all that matters really. I don't think any more or less of people based on what they buy me, what they say about it, or whether it was from Selfridges, or their kid's bedroom.

The amount of 'stuff' we all buy needs to stop. Most of it is meaningless, pointless crap: we need a habitable planet more than another new thing to unwrap. I repeatedly ask people to not buy anything at all, or to regift things or buy secondhand.

Talk of 'deception' is next level. Maybe the friend didn't feel up to navigating all the bloody madness about regifting and just did it!

Riv · 26/09/2023 08:33

I’ve just received a lovely gift from a special friend, but she’s seriously misjudged my tastes. (Not sure why, we’ve been friends forever!, maybe because we don’t see each other much since we now live hundreds of miles apart)
However; the gift is exactly the type of thing one of my local friends will love. Should I regift my present or buy an identical one and put the one I was given in a cupboard or the bin?

Riv · 26/09/2023 08:34

Sorry, should have said my question was intended to be rhetorical. 🤷🏻‍♀️

CathyFitzs · 26/09/2023 09:39

I don’t know how old your daughter is but eventually, after years and years of spending, gift buying and receiving, etc, etc, I promise you will be sick to death of yet more ‘stuff’. Be glad that your friend is already fed up of unused perfectly good items going to waste and is recycling them rather than keeping adding to the mountain of yet more things. You’ll also realise that buying/ being given more and more does not make your child, or indeed, you, any happier.

Rose38 · 26/09/2023 09:57

CathyFitzs · 26/09/2023 09:39

I don’t know how old your daughter is but eventually, after years and years of spending, gift buying and receiving, etc, etc, I promise you will be sick to death of yet more ‘stuff’. Be glad that your friend is already fed up of unused perfectly good items going to waste and is recycling them rather than keeping adding to the mountain of yet more things. You’ll also realise that buying/ being given more and more does not make your child, or indeed, you, any happier.

But the item was used as OP mentioned earlier. I think some people are skimming the post and have missed this bit out...

openallday · 26/09/2023 18:03

Who cares? Honestly! It’s just a kid’s gift

more important things define a friendship. Is she there when you need her? Would she help out in an emergency? Is she good company and do your kids get on?

Thinkingpod · 01/10/2023 17:33

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Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 01/10/2023 17:34

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Gosh. Read the post properly will you before being unnecessarily negative and critical.

OP posts:
Kazzybingbong · 01/10/2023 17:52

I actually agree with you. I’d feel weird and unvalued if they’d given my daughter a used toy out of their kid’s toy box as a gift. Sorry, but that’s cheap and lazy. I would just never do that.

I always forget about birthdays and I go to the shop before the party and grab something. Unless you’re broke, there’s no excuse for this.

Kazzybingbong · 01/10/2023 17:54

Riv · 26/09/2023 08:33

I’ve just received a lovely gift from a special friend, but she’s seriously misjudged my tastes. (Not sure why, we’ve been friends forever!, maybe because we don’t see each other much since we now live hundreds of miles apart)
However; the gift is exactly the type of thing one of my local friends will love. Should I regift my present or buy an identical one and put the one I was given in a cupboard or the bin?

That’s totally different. We’re talking about a toy that had been used. She’s clearly just picked up something her kid isn’t bothered about anymore and thought that’ll do.

purplehair1 · 01/10/2023 17:54

Had my daughter given a present which was not only re-gifted but partly used! It was a sewing project type of gift and the first little girl had obviously had a go and got bored part way through. I just laughed it off not everyone has a lot of available cash for the endless gift giving at that age.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 01/10/2023 17:59

It could be seen as rude and lazy, or canny recycling. Don't invest so much effort when it's your turn to buy.

Not worth falling out or losing the friendship over it, just dial your efforts back.

ohdamnitjanet · 01/10/2023 18:02

If I had surplus new items from my ds birthday, and money wasn’t too tight, I’d just give them to a good friend. Certainly wouldn’t regift to someone who had probably seen them hanging around in my house. So yes, unless they are skint I’d be pissed at the total lack of thought or effort. There’s a right and a wrong way to regift.

MerryMarigold · 01/10/2023 18:03

The thing is though, it is partly about the money for me. SIL once gave my DD 2 secondhand books (think pop up bits ripped out) from her slightly older DD. These people live in a million plus home and have lots of money, spending tons on their own children. I felt it was actually quite rude and would have preferred nothing. At least that's an honest 'fuck you'. I'm not materialistic (they are!) but it does reflect how important someone thinks you are when they just wrap up 2 old books. Something home made, something regifted but a lovely thing, something small but thoughtful - any of these things are great. But a ' you're not worth my time, money or effort' gift is hurtful.

NickL22 · 01/10/2023 20:41

It's quite obviously not about money, it's about lack of thought from someone she thought was a close friend. If your closest friend gave you something you knew she had recieved off another friend you would be hurt, and anyone who says they wouldn't be is lying 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Friendorfoe10 · 01/10/2023 20:43

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 01/10/2023 17:59

It could be seen as rude and lazy, or canny recycling. Don't invest so much effort when it's your turn to buy.

Not worth falling out or losing the friendship over it, just dial your efforts back.

I totally agree. It's made me see this friendship differently for sure.

OP posts:
saffy2 · 01/10/2023 20:44

I think YABU and this is fine. A gift is a gift and I don’t think gifts need to be bought to be a gift.