Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

I don't think working mums have less options - but if one parent is the "default parent" for school runs, school holidays, general childcare, covering sick days, then it is pretty much inevitable they would need to work in a part time and flexible role, of which there aren't many in interesting and highly-paid fields. So a parent who can dedicate their time and attention to a full time job will certainly have it easier.

You need to get your career back ASAP. What's the issue with childcare? Cost? Surely your husband and your combined wages can go towards that? I let my ex take the lead career-wise our entire marriage, but these days I earn the same as him. He doesn't take my job seriously even now, treats it like a cute pin money hobby. Part of the reason we split, tbh. I am worth more respect than that, and so are you.

You only have fewer options because of the choices that you and DH made. Why did you go part time? Was it because you couldn't afford child care or you wanted more time with DD? If the former, why was it you that went part time? Your choice or because DH refused to?

Whatever extra I would earn working full time would cover childcare so we'd be no worse off but it's the guilt people put on you. Not being a present mum if I'm working a 9 to 5 etc. But I don't want to just plod along like this in a job I don't feel fulfilled by.

Ideally you don't take the hit in the first place. But now you need to get back in there to have opportunities to progress. The cost of childcare is shared, and if your DH earns full time wage then he should pay 2/3 and you 1/3 or less - (use your income to indicate ratio.

Then this is the very important part - he needs to be the default parent - he is established he can take the hit -use parental leave etc, take the sick days. This way you have an even playing field. Otherwise you are setting yourself up at an even bigger disadvantage.

You are setting your children up in seeing you as an equal partner - your DH can step up.

There is no suitable childcare round here. Places are extremely difficult to get as so many providers went out of business during the pandemic. I have to work part time in order to pick my kids up from school (no DH/DP to share the job). I think if you are the default/only parent your career is steamrollered until the kids are older. If the government want mums (or other main carers) back at work this needs to be considered. The fact that I can get help from universal credit to pay is utterly irrelevant if all the childminders are full and there is no SN provision.

I don't think working mums have less options per se, but I think women are usually the top carers for their children (even the FT working ones). And I also think we give up more e.g mat leave.. we want to be with our babies if we can, so taking a year out each time is hit on pensions contributions and your career massively.

I think you are fortunate that you have the choice to work in this way. But you also have a choice if you want to go full steam ahead with your career again.

It’s pretty hard to have it all, unfortunately - both an exciting, fulfilling career and lots of time with your kids. However, society tells women they are able to have it all (but not men 🤷‍♀️) so we often feel guilty when we can’t achieve it.

If you’ve decided that your career is your priority now then you need to make some decisions - either you start paying for childcare or DH needs to step up so you can work more.

I don’t think that working mums have less options but I do think that the “default parent” often does, and that’s what you seem to have become.

They don't guilt your DH though.. so why should they guilt you

That is potentially the decision you need to make though and the compromise.

I wasn't willing to give up my ability to have a career and we needed 2 wages to pay the bills, DD went to nursery full time from 9 months and the first 2 years were horrible. Nursery cost £1k a month which meant by the time that was paid, my full time wage only actually meant about £200 extra a month in the total household budget, but it was temporary.

When I went back after maternity I was on £25k a year. By the time DD was 3 we started getting the 30 subsidised hrs childcare and my salary had increased to £35k through promotions.

Now DD is 9yo, only childcare we pay for is holiday club, I've had several promotions and am on £95k so near enough quadrupled my salary in 8 years. I have a fully WFH role with loads of flexibility so can do drop off and pick up, can attend school events and host play dates.

But to get there I had to accept that childcare would be a huge but temporary cost and that I would miss out on some time with DD in the early years.

I don't think everyone has a choice but you are making a clear choice to prioritise time with your kids over your career. That's completely valid as a choice, I chose differently and make a different sacrifice. Your husband has chosen to prioritise his career. The only person who can make you feel guilty is you so just decide what is more important to you and acknowledge that every choice has sacrifices.

’Society’ includes women. We make up 51% of society so we have some of the responsibility to change this. There’s no need to feel guilty about having a career. You are in control of your feelings. Not other people. Talk to your husband. He should be willing to support you even if it means paying for childcare or dropping a day/some hours. It can be done. Even men in really big jobs can be more flexible

No I don’t think working mums have less options.

But you do need a partner that sees you as equal. Both my DH and I work FT. He’s recently been thinking of a career change but we’ve put it on hold until the DC are at secondary school and we need the flexibility his job offers less.

Also, guilt is pointless. Literally pointless. It changes nothing and makes you feel like shit. Does your DH feel guilty for working? Probably not, so why do you?

But your husband will be doing half of the school dropoffs/pickups and half of the days off when the kids are ill................

I think you have to own your decisions and decide what is important to you. It makes no sense to make choices based on what anyone else thinks. I'm a sahm but if I wanted to work ft, there is wraparound care in my dc's school and nurseries nearby open 7am-6pm. If we didn't live in an area with available childcare I'd have to travel further to a nursery, or consider moving.

I don't have a career but it's not as important to me as spending time with my dc and ensuring they can access extracurriculars. People look down and me and think I'm dull or foolish for depending on a man, but they can't make any decisions in my life - I'm an adult and only I'm responsible for that. Lots of mums around here have very high flying careers, so it's certainly doable, but they have already got to a senior level before having dc.

Your time won't come unless you make it come. Why does your husband get to further his career and progress and you don't? Why doesn't he take time off when childcare is needed? The answer is because you facilitate it.

You need a conversation about what you want and he needs to step up if you both agree that your career is as important as his (which it should be if that's what you want).

You will be able to get back to where you were but you'll need to start soon and work hard at it. I have watched friends who were SAHMs or went part time suffer when their higher earning successful husbands left them. They were stuffed then.

I kept my career and earning power even after kids (3 in my case) and I've never regretted it. Good luck.

I personally think long term I'm going to be able to afford to support my child better having taken as short a hit as possible. There's also the what if of if DH dies. It's all very personal choice etc and what you prioritise. I don't believe it is possible for every one to have it all.

I've remained full time since having dc, and whilst I have guilt about some aspects of parenting (find me a mum who doesn't!), I don't feel any guilt at all about working ft. It suits me, it suits our budget needs, it's not detrimental to my children.

If you want a more fulfilling career, seek one.

To counteract your title, I'd argue that you in fact have more choice. You don't need to work ft, you can choose whether to be pt or ft. The only single barrier is the guilt you feel. Not your circumstances or your finances or any of the other barriers that prevent some women from getting to choose whether they work ft or pt or are sahms.

Which people are causing you to feel so much guilt, OP?

I work FT. I love my job and I want a decent pension. My job is flexible so generally I can make the pointlessmeetings that school schedule during the working day.

OH (who also works FT) shares dropoffs and pickups. MIL tries to make me feel guilty occasionally but I just ignore her tbh. Its not for everybody and it may all change in the future but it works for us right now.

Who’s telling you to ‘just stick it out’? If it’s your DH, then that’s the real problem.

I work PT and love it. I love the break in the middle of the week to recharge. It also helps us stay afloat as a family. I'm lucky though in that I took a promotion and negotiated PT. You can have both.

There's more to life than money and responsibility. Are you seeking to 'better' your career because you want more responsibility and money or because you feel you should have that?

Are your finances split?

Stop listening to sexist bullshit and get your career back on track. If your husband doesn't feel guilty about his career, why should you feel guilty about yours?

I went back to work full time and refused to sacrifice my career or become the default parent. It's harder for women due to said sexist bullshit but not impossible.

These are choices op. Not great choices, but choices nonetheless.

I have used as much childcare as I've needed to maintain my career. Have some people judged me for it? Yep. Did it stop me doing it? Nope.

A vital factor here is the attitude of your partner. Mine has always been supportive and has never assumed that school runs and household stuff is my job. This makes a huge difference.

The problem is allowing yourself to become the default parent. DH and I shared childcare responsibilities between us, and both of us have progressed in our careers - me more than him but that has nothing to do with him being a working dad!

I don't like the premise of the question really. The inherent assumption is that the mum will be the default carer. Time to move away from that now, surely? So much depends on the choices that you make.

@SouthLondonMum22 not all part-timers or SAHMs do it out of guilt or because they feel they should.

Many actively want to spend more time with their children, especially whilst they're young.

And children definitely benefit from having time with their parents.

It's ok to want that. It's ok to not want your "career" to be the main part of you. It's ok for your job to be a job and not a career.

Just as much as it's ok to work full-time.

You don't want people to just full-time mum's but yet you clearly judge those who don't work full time. Let's just encourage people to do as THEY wish. We're all different.