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Original poster

Do working mums have less options

223 replies

Theamofm · 20/09/2023 12:45

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
BelindaBears · 20/09/2023 14:30

I think one parent’s career usually ends up taking a hit. I have friends where that’s the husband/father in the family and the wife/mother can push on and progress. I also know families where both have shared the hit. In my case, yes my career has taken the hit, I’ve been treading water for years through fertility treatment, maternity leave and having a young child; while DH has been able to get promotions. Every so often I see a job opportunity I think I’d be perfect for, if I wasn’t tied to dropping off and picking up at school every day and dealing with most of the sick days and I resent it a bit. But I’ve been totally complicit in ending up where we are and it has its positives too.

XelaM · 20/09/2023 14:35

I'm a single mum and have always worked in very senior roles after my daughter was born. I work in a Silver Circle City law firm with many female partners, most of whom have kids.

You just have to be prepared to work long hours and pay for childcare.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/09/2023 14:35

Hummingbird233 · 20/09/2023 14:28

@SouthLondonMum22 not all part-timers or SAHMs do it out of guilt or because they feel they should.

Many actively want to spend more time with their children, especially whilst they're young.

And children definitely benefit from having time with their parents.

It's ok to want that. It's ok to not want your "career" to be the main part of you. It's ok for your job to be a job and not a career.

Just as much as it's ok to work full-time.

You don't want people to just full-time mum's but yet you clearly judge those who don't work full time. Let's just encourage people to do as THEY wish. We're all different.

I never said they did.

But there's also a reason why it is almost always women who are SAHP's, go part time and/or feel pressured to remain part time like OP even when they may feel ready to go back full time and that's due to sexism.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 20/09/2023 14:40

This is why i never changed my working hours after mat leave. I feel like women being off on maternity leave sets up a lot of families way of thinking that their job needs to fit around the baby so they can 'go back to work' whereas in reality whilst on mat leave you have never left work.

I was never going to stop working full time, i made it very clear to my partner/husband how much his half of the childcare bill would be each month after my maternity leave, and i wouldn't be reducing down to work around childcare/schools so he could carry on full time.

wutheringkites · 20/09/2023 14:41

Hummingbird233 · 20/09/2023 14:28

@SouthLondonMum22 not all part-timers or SAHMs do it out of guilt or because they feel they should.

Many actively want to spend more time with their children, especially whilst they're young.

And children definitely benefit from having time with their parents.

It's ok to want that. It's ok to not want your "career" to be the main part of you. It's ok for your job to be a job and not a career.

Just as much as it's ok to work full-time.

You don't want people to just full-time mum's but yet you clearly judge those who don't work full time. Let's just encourage people to do as THEY wish. We're all different.

I don't know where to start this with this.

Have you actually read ops second post or do you just say the exact same thing on every thread about working mothers?

Hummingbird233 · 20/09/2023 14:43

@SouthLondonMum22 often, yes. But there's also a lot of women (and some men) who actively want to work less and spend more time with the kids.

That's ok. It's not ALWAYS sexism and it's not helpful to assume that.

The glaringly obvious reason why many women work PT is because they carried the baby and lots breastfeed/express. They have maternity leave and by the end of it, many don't want to return FT. It's pretty obvious to me why it's more common for women to step back for a while from their work.

cocksstrideintheevening · 20/09/2023 14:44

My career took a hit for a couple of years when I went pt but shared parental leave want a thing then and DH is a teacher so I had to be the default parent. Still am but I have a very flexible role.

A lot depends on the role / industry.

PinkRoses1245 · 20/09/2023 14:45

No, they don't necessarily have fewer options. You could work full time, and use childcare. Your DH can reduce his hours. There's plenty of options.

Hummingbird233 · 20/09/2023 14:46

@wutheringkites yes I read it and my view stands.

If OP wants a more fulfilling role, she should seek to get that. That could be PT, FT, casual, whatever SHE wants.

But judgement on PTs and SAHMS isn't helpful. For woman or children.

WeWereInParis · 20/09/2023 14:49

Theamofm · 20/09/2023 12:55

Whatever extra I would earn working full time would cover childcare so we'd be no worse off but it's the guilt people put on you. Not being a present mum if I'm working a 9 to 5 etc. But I don't want to just plod along like this in a job I don't feel fulfilled by.

What people? Who cares?

I have two young children, work full time, and have just started studying for an additional qualification that will take a couple of years. DH is fully supportive.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/09/2023 14:52

Hummingbird233 · 20/09/2023 14:43

@SouthLondonMum22 often, yes. But there's also a lot of women (and some men) who actively want to work less and spend more time with the kids.

That's ok. It's not ALWAYS sexism and it's not helpful to assume that.

The glaringly obvious reason why many women work PT is because they carried the baby and lots breastfeed/express. They have maternity leave and by the end of it, many don't want to return FT. It's pretty obvious to me why it's more common for women to step back for a while from their work.

Of course it is. Women are conditioned from birth to be carers and men are conditioned from birth to be providers which absolutely has an influence on the majority of people and is incredibly hard to fight against, hence the majority of men don't go part time or become SAHP's and the majority of women do.

I think it's far more unhelpful to deny it. Breastfeeding rates are also poor in our country.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/09/2023 14:56

Men are typically in higher paid roles, sadly, so they have "justification" for not reducing hours when there are kids in the mix.

No one asks boys if they want babies, few boys are provided dolls and buggies to play with at home, and women and girls are sort of culturally funnelled towards more caring/vocational careers like nursing and teaching which can accommodate part time better than CEO of a massive company.

It's shit, and hopefully it'll change, but it's true.

CurlewKate · 20/09/2023 15:13

I think that they shouldn't, and technically they don't, but in reality they do. It's incredibly difficult to run a family, particularly with more than one child without a "default parent." One of the reasons I am glad I had my children very late is that I was senior in my job, with plenty of savings and some flexibility. I don't think any of us would have been happy with two high pressure long hours jobs in the family and I wanted to long term bf. So I became the default parent. It worked for us.

CurlewKate · 20/09/2023 15:15

But I could make that choice happily because I was 37. I wouldn't have been able to at 27.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/09/2023 15:22

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/09/2023 14:56

Men are typically in higher paid roles, sadly, so they have "justification" for not reducing hours when there are kids in the mix.

No one asks boys if they want babies, few boys are provided dolls and buggies to play with at home, and women and girls are sort of culturally funnelled towards more caring/vocational careers like nursing and teaching which can accommodate part time better than CEO of a massive company.

It's shit, and hopefully it'll change, but it's true.

So very true.

Though, in my experience, even if the woman is in the higher paid role her DH is never advised he should stay home because it 'makes sense' like women often are if their DH is in the higher paid role.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/09/2023 15:31

It's so sad that posters like @Hummingbird233 seem to assume that you have to give up on the idea of progressing your career if you want to breastfeed. Or indeed if you want to spend time with your young kids. So many of us are able to work very flexibly these days, yet there seems to be no acknowledgement of this.

bluegreenandcoral · 20/09/2023 16:27

My DH dropped a day after we had our first child and was congratulated for his commitment to his family. Whereas when I went down to four days I got lots of “😬😳 that’s still a lot, how will you cope?”

FloatyBoaty · 20/09/2023 16:35

With respect- I’m a single mum, and have been since DS was 6 months. He’s now 7. I have always worked full time in a role that requires additional hours of research/admin in the evenings, and had standard holiday leave. DS’s dad did very little until this year- and now does one night after school pick up, and one weekend day. But before that- I just muddled through alone.

Of course not everyone can, depending on circumstances, but many people do do it. Wraparound care, holiday clubs, childcare swaps, family or friends helping out… It’s possible. It’s just hard.

FloatyBoaty · 20/09/2023 16:36

For the poster up thread- I also breastfed until DS was 2.

Spendonsend · 20/09/2023 16:38

Mine and my husband's both took a hit. Mine first then his a few years later as my son's needs became more apparent.

I actually feel more sorry for DH because he was in his dream job and now does something he hates. Wheras I was in one job I liked but now I am in another job I like but it less of a career job.

WhatapityWapiti · 20/09/2023 16:47

I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come.

Who tells you this? Your husband?

What you seem to be failing to appreciate here is that you and your husband made a decision to have you put your career on the back burner in order to accommodate caring for the children. This is nothing to do with what “society” expects. Most people don’t really give a monkeys about other people’s domestic setup. Why did you agree to this?

CurlewKate · 20/09/2023 16:55

I'm delighted that people manage to long term breastfeed while working full time. I'm obviously a bit feeble. I couldn't have managed it with an hour commute,an unpredictable up to 12 hour day and many, many short notice meetings. Well done!

Hermione101 · 20/09/2023 17:14

No, working moms do not have fewer options because from the start your DP/DH does his fair share of pick-ups and drop-offs. And if he can't then you share the cost of wraparound care proportional to your salaries.

I don't understand why anything extra you make would go on childcare, does he not pay? I also don't know why you would be a less present mom who is working full-time.

After DC turned 5, I went from a comfortable corporate role with a lot of flexibility to a more demanding corporate role with flexibility, salary has also jumped. I WFH 3x a week and have a lot of time with DC.

Also, my own parents didn't have a choice, they were young and immigrants, so my mom worked a lot. I have only admiration for the choices she made and had an amazing childhood. My dad stepped up a lot too.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 20/09/2023 17:22

Bear in mind that childcare costs are temporary, and that your salary is only likely to increase.

Thequeenofthetypis · 20/09/2023 17:28

I definitely got hit with the motherhood penalty after having kids. Alot of stress at home, alot of fights, eventually I went part time for 2 years. It was OK, but I hated being the one always presumed to be available and I knew it was going to be temporary. I also used the time to study and am back on track now in a full time role.

Since covid, my husband is working from home full-time and does all drop offs and pick ups. The school however always always call me before oh ( even though I cannot have my phone on in work and have not answered any of their calls in 3 years!) Wrecks my head.
Anyway, don't feel guilty. Go back to work. Husband needs to step up. He will probably resist as he has jad it easy but stick with it.