Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

I don't think working mums have less options - but if one parent is the "default parent" for school runs, school holidays, general childcare, covering sick days, then it is pretty much inevitable they would need to work in a part time and flexible role, of which there aren't many in interesting and highly-paid fields
Agree with this.
Women are hindered by sexism in the workplace even before get hCe children too, but the main driver is the idea of mum as default parent.

Of the people I know who work part time and have flexibility in interesting fields with reasonable pay, everyone had children later in their late 20s-late 30s so they were already established in their career. It meant they could justify part time and WFH easier because their roles weren't front line customer facing.

No you shouldn't accept this as your lot in life. Your husband is selfish to expect you to. Why should you spend your life facilitating somebody else. I wouldn't like that role either. You are not happy with the situation and that's reason enough to change. Don't let other people guilt trip you. It's your life not theirs.

It's great to see posts from people who have equal relationships with the fathers of their children and do shared parenting and have the where with all to plough forward despite the challenges. But it is sad that people also can't recognise that the way we live and the infrastructure and attitude to child rearing is stacked against woman also being able to have it all.

It’s a personal choice a lot of the time, I choose to work school hours and take a financial hit so I can be around for my son when he’s not at school, I went through a lot to have him and there was no way I was handing him over to childcare at a young age but I’m also not very career driven. I’ve worked as a nanny for people who were and went back to work when their kids were young and knew that isn’t for me. If your career is important to you then you need to speak to your dh and work something out so you can get back out there in a job you want

"My time will come"

On your current path, no it won't.

That's ok with some people, not ok with others.

I do think being a working Mum does stunt your growth at work at the least. Me and DH met while training for our jobs. For a few years (pre children) we had the exact same job, got the exact same pay rises at the same time. So I’m currently on Mat leave with baby number 2. I missed some payrises that he got due to being on maternity leave. I ended up going part time to help with childcare. He got a promotion and additional responsibilities, I haven’t.
So we went from earning exactly the same to him earning nearly double what I do!

Well, I’m about to leave work having gone part time when ds was born because I’ve been managed out pretty much. And my replacement was full time and wants to stay. Meanwhile DH has doubled his salary since he’s become a father.
im equal parts grateful and angry.
Its still unfair and the truth is employers and the government don’t care about pregnant women or mothers with young kids to work around. Why would they, we’re likely to make them less money.
its shit and we are still far from equal.
xo

Working 9-5 3-5 days a week doesn’t mean not being a ‘oresent parent’ OP! It’d give you far more options to earn more, and good childcare is possible.

Nor does wanting a bit of opportunity and decent wages equate to prioritising ‘career’ over motherhood.

You have experienced the ‘motherhood penalty’, especially by choosing such a ‘flexible’ job, and facilitated your H to be a parent AND progress in his paid work.

Why have you let your husband off parenting for so long? Why the hell isn't he doing his half?

I couldn't be with a man like this

there Is literally no magic answer to managing family life. It depends on personalities, it depends on your finances and it depends on your ambition. I know of 2 full time working parents from their children as babies to SAHM/D plus one working parent. Whichever way you go you will feel guilty in some form. My husbands’s career has gone from strength to strength but I have always been part time. I could have gone full time and have been enormously frustrated at times but then I love being home with my kids when they come home. I would have had to have done long hours in my choice of career. My mum never was around until 7pm every night as she had to work and I was always immensely envious of my friends whose mums greeted them at the school gate. I always had an au pair and even now I feel sad about it. So someone we have muddled through. I do all the house admin and take the mental load of family life and my husband is free to go to work without worrying about anything home related. It is a balance that works for us but it is not perfect by any means. There is certainly shoulda woulda coulda at various times but I am sure that would have been the same if I had made a different choice.

So tell him it's his turn to step up and parent! Stop enabling his selfishness

I agree with this completely! I was on £25k went I went back off of maternity through working hard and moving company to be promoted I am now on £50k and my daughter is 6.

I work full time but only work 1 day a week from the office and the days I am at home I work 7.30 to 3.00 so I can still do the school pick up 4 days a week.

I completely disagree with the default parent situation, in our house it’s 50/50. My husband does drop the offs, and if he can’t arranges wrap around care and I do the same for pick ups. I’m dd is ill (thankfully not often) we both look at our diaries and work together to figure out how we’re going to manage it.

we also have a no work rule between 5.30-8pm. If you need to work in the evening fine, once dd has gone to bed but that is family time.

I don't think working mums always have less options but unless you want to utilise lots of wrap around child care then either you both need to be flexible with your career/job or one of you does, and in reality that is more often than not the mum.

For us, me working part time and not going further in my career is the best family choice we made together, but I do sometimes feel bad that I'm still in the same job I've been in for a while. Luckily it's interesting enough and a nice team. If you really dislike your job see if there is a missed ground - one that offers the flexibility but is more interesting, or talk to DH and decide how to better divy up childcare.

I agree though about the 'your time will come' - I'm not sure I can ever really see a time when I prioritise my career over our current family set up so I would try to make sure your at least in a nice job even if it isn't pushing you hugely forward career wise.

What? Can only women do housework and life admin then?

I think yes we do have fewer options. I need flexibility. This narrows my job options. I want to work a 4 day week to have a day with my child. This narrows my options.
My husband also needs flexibility so his options are limited versus those with no caring obligations.
I've been mulling this over as I'm in a job I don't like but it's super flexible and at a senior level it's hard to get flexibility from the start in a new role.

Since kids I’ve always been the default parent and therefore worked around them whether evenings, nights or school hours.
Now mine are older and even though I’m a single parent I’ve finally decided I can’t keep getting up everyday to go to a job that bores and demotivates me.
They’re both still at school but only my youngest needs childcare but if I was you I’d do it now because they never stop needing you as such.

I view it a little differently. I’m happy / grateful to work 30 hours. I earn enough to be ‘independent’ (was single parent for 6 years) and have flexible working so can do school and nursery drop off / pick ups / have a better (for me) work life balance. I don’t do all of them though and DP and ex do some I don’t think ‘my time will ever come’ as I had a 3rd at 40 with a big age gap so back to the hardcore years!!

I do think we have to choose. You can’t have it all but you can use wrap around care if you want a better career. Of course there will always be those that make it all look easy and then the ones like me who’s sanity hangs by a thread

I think this needs far more discussion before children enter the equation.
Childcare is expensive, but temporary. Wages increase with experience and promotion.
It needs to become more the van norm that not one parent is the default childcare.
Your DH should be doing half the drop offs, pick ups, taxiing, inset days, holidays etc, so you can both work at your career - if that's what you want.

It's the age old guilt trip of mums feeling like they have to work as if they have no children and raise children as if they have no job.

If you invest in your career i.e pay for childcare over time you will be able to earn more thus have extra left after childcare.
Otherwise you will end up at a stage no childcare and no job.

Guilt ... Could also look at it that it not good for child to see parent who is not happy in work.
I recently was getting fed up work thinking packing it in for a while asked my children what they would think about it ( expecting they would be delighted and push for it) eldest said I'd think you were lazy 😂

It doesn’t have to be like this. You are caught in the trap and you can get out but it will be hard. I think you can get back onto a career track, with the benefit of maturity, focus and clarity about what you want to do. But it might be harder to change both your mindsets - if you get a new job that enhances your career you’ll still be earning less than your DH for some time, and if a child is ill you will both think it had better be you that stays at home because DH is the main breadwinner- you will have to avoid this thinking and look to the long term.

People always seem find a way to make the dad’s job more important. Many of my mum friends are self-employed, therefore they are the ones to adapt to child illness, covid closures, school strike days etc as they’re more flexible. And yet my female colleagues with senior positions and self-employed husbands are the ones to take the time off because otherwise their husbands won’t be paid (and I can guarantee the women are the main breadwinners here).

I earn more than DH and it’s been 50:50. But it’s a struggle, eg I automatically put my name down as the first contact so I get the calls from school.

I also refuse to feel guilty for anything a dad would not feel guilty about.

i don’t think you should feel guilty working. You’ll still be there for your daughter and you’re teaching her valuable lessons for her future - namely, if she wants something she has to work for it herself; her career matters and it’s incredibly important as a woman to ensure financial independence.

Put some attention on your job. It can be tough but plenty of people find a good balance. You can’t keep waiting for another day.

This happened to me. My maternity cover was brilliant and my bosses wanted the role to stay full-time, so they created a new part-time role for me doing something a bit different and kept her on. It worked for a year, but then it was clear my new role wasn't adding value to the business so it became uncomfortable and I chose to leave before I was pushed.

But it was my choice to go part-time – with a planned only child I was financially able to do. But I still invested in my career, I still went for promotions and I still pushed myself to compete at the same level as full timers. Now my DC is at secondary I'm back to full time and don't feel like I've lost out. It sounds like you need to get yourself more in the loop, @Theamofm, or you will be starting from scratch again.

You and your DH made the choice for you to give up work due to childcare.bbMe and my DH made the choice for me to carry on working despite childcare. Sure it crippled us for a few years but we looked at the bigger picture. You didn’t.

As for guilt, that is your own emotion. I remember a bloke saying to me ‘ so you farm your kids out then’ of course he was trying to shame me. I just said ‘that’s excatly right,’ leaving him flustered. (Same as when I was on a night out and a bloke said, ‘so your husband is baby sitting, then.’ The answer was, no, he doesn’t do babysitting, he’s stopping in tonight in with the kids’) No guilt or fucks given by me.

I get frustrated when I read this. Your husband's salary should contribute towards childcare as well. It's not just for you to cover.

Why does he not feel guilty?
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/sep/20/fathers-have-unique-effect-on-childrens-educational-outcomes-study-finds?utm_term=650a6e4b3a66951527d6a11889fd8f0b&utm_campaign=GuardianTodayUK&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&CMP=GTUK_email

People always forget about the childcare workers in this debate. Majority of whom are women, who work extremely long hours and are paid atrocious wages.