Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

I consider myself very lucky that I didn't want children until I was 37. That gave me far more choices than I would have had when I was 25.

The longer you stay out of a career the harder it will be to return to it. Use the extra money to pay for childcare, even if take home remains the same and start working your way back up.

You’re in this position because of the choices you made not because that’s how it needs to be.

I work full time and many women I work with also have children and none of us feel guilty.

Surround yourself with people who support you and ignore those who judge. When you care less, others have less of an opinion.

Why can’t people just do what suits them and not be guilted by it?

Crack on and do what makes you feel good because Debra over the road isn’t paying your bills or helping you with your mental health so she doesn’t get a seat at the voting table.

That's generally because the mother becomes the default parent due to sexist societal norms.

Dads are perfectly capable of looking after children, sick or not and children wouldn't always prefer mum over dad especially by school age if mum wasn't always the default parent.

It's so frustrating. I'm competing at work against peop without kids and men who have stay at home wives who do everything and it just feels impossible. I thought it was do-able after getting promoted with a baby but now my eldest is in school and I'm at least 2 steps behind where I'd like to be.

It sounds like you’ve worked the numbers, and full time would cover your childcare and help you to grow your career, and you’d be happier. Your happiness and ambitions matter.

I’ve been a full time working mum, had an international career whilst married, (so plenty of side-eye from other mums, with an healthy dose of judgement 🤣) and I have run my own business for over 10 years.

I can honestly say that as I am fulfilled by my working life, my children get the best version of me.

I’ve been solo parenting since 2019, and use wraparound childcare and adjusted my start times to allow me to do drop offs. It can be done, you should go for it rather than having regrets later, and please don’t let the judgement of others hold you back.

My girls love the fact I have a business, have published a book and we still get quality time together, and have a lot of fun. for me, it’s healthy, as they are all girls, that they see it is OK for a woman to have a career, kids and time for fun, friendship and relationships.

You need to learn to give less of a shit about how people judge you as a Mother on a personal and societal level. I remember one incident where I was called selfish to my face by my sister because I was travelling overseas for two weeks by myself.

My close social circle are all professional women with some out earning their partners but this does not reflect society overall. I find it frustrating when people just look to within the narrow confines of their known social circle and assume that is society. People often mix within a very similar demographic to themselves. It’s not even deliberate it just happens.

You want and need change and your time can be now. This is not detrimental to your child. Additional family income will cover childcare and if your husband is doing well, maybe he can negotiate hybrid working or even work two hours less a week to cover some pick up or drop offs.

I am about to go back full time having worked part time since having my child, who has just started school. I will be on-site due to the nature of the job and my partner will do all drop offs and pick ups.

I'm delighted to get this job, it's in a sector I wanted to move into, it's a big pay rise and although there is a commute, it's local. But I also feel sad to no longer be main carer and guilt that I am putting myself first. Even though my partner works remotely and we are 5 min from the school so is no problem for him. Even though it's fine for him to be main carer and maybe also good for the relationship. And certainly fantastic role model as we have a son.

So I understand the difficulty. But go for it. You are not a worse parent for taking yourself seriously.

Women were sold a lie. You cannot have it all. One parent has to sacrifice their work life. You can either give work 100% or your children 100%, mix work and children together and neither gets 100%.

You can either give work 100% or your children 100%, mix work and children together and neither gets 100%.

I haven't given work 100% even when I was childless, work gets working hours. There's quite a bit left for other stuff.

And yes people will judge you. A family member asked if I have asked about flexible working at new place. I laughed and said no woman let's on about being a mother at interview. She laughed and said oh a surprise for them the first time your son is off school ill.

I pointed out that my male partner will be five min from the school and covering all initial illness situations. It seems to come as a surprise to people who know your set up and your family - but you just have to weather it out. Is it right for you and your family. Then do it.

And find your people - I'm meeting a school mum for a coffee just to talk about going back full time as she's about to do it coming off maternity. It definitely helps.

I've never given anything 100% in my life because life is not The Apprentice.

Have you asked your kids

I've asked if they like our current lifestyle which is possible as I did not become a SAHM - they said yes, no complaints.

I work FT as does my DH in careers we enjoy. We make it work by splitting the parental load equally and spending money on childcare, though less now kids are older.

It is possible but you need to communicate, both be on same page in terms of equal responsibilities and to be really organised.

Women don't need to be the default parent there needs to be a societal shift in assumptions. When the kids were younger I was often asked if I was PT or FT, my husband was never asked.

Again, because mums are usually the default parent.

My DC is just as happy with my husband as with me. That's a good thing, my husband is just as much DC's parent as I am so why would he want me more?

I don't, but I'm the breadwinner and have been for over ten years. Pretty sure my DH doesn't, he's not suited to office work and works in retail and enjoys it. Obviously limits to how far you can get.

I never, ever felt any guilt over being at work full time - we needed money to care for those children. If people were projecting that at me, well, that's their problem. I have a really great relationship with my three boys, I can't imagine it being any better just because I was home a bit more. I was lucky in that I've always been able to jig my timetable around so I never missed any important events, like school assemblies and sports day.

I do get why people would feel this way, but IMO this is what happens when you agree to go part time or stop work because your salary will only just cover childcare. In the grand scheme of things, it's short term pain for long term gain. I've more than doubled my salary since my kids were born. DH is on about the same as he was ten years ago, he was a SAHD for a long time due to redundancy and then it just seeming like the best thing to do. Of course this now means we have to pay in extra to his pension now he is working.

As for sickness, DC1 would want me, but DC2 prefers DH. Which is a bit funny as DH was a SAHD with DC1, but not DC2. It's almost like he's an equal parent and just spending more time with the child when they're a baby does not automatically mean they have a closer relationship..

It is OK to choose what suits you. I think it's also understandable to have some mixed feelings.

For many years I worked P/T. During the non-work time I was either studying to get qualified, or looking after my kids. I became frustrated (like the OP) by the lack of higher-level opportunities that were P/T and decided to take a F/T opportunity when they were 9 and 7.

It's been a mixed success. I enjoy the work, I no longer feel bored and overqualified, and I have flexible working so still do school drop-off (husband does pickup) but I find it more difficult than I'd expected to have a life outside of work.

I no longer do any hobbies (this crept up on me - I'm trying to change it) and haven't had a night out since before I changed jobs. I want to spend the evenings with the kids but it does push out what I might tentatively call self-care (no gym sessions, no yoga, no relaxation). My husband is at home as he has a chronic health condition, so he's the default parent, but because of his health he can't take on the entire load of household tasks (he does do a lot, I hasten to add). And I hadn't realised how dependent I'd become on the ability to run no-kids errands on a weekday. We try to keep weekends as family time but it means some stuff (home renovation, errands) is not getting done.

At work, starting later than the rest of my team is mostly fine but means I really have to hit the ground running - ie no prep time before early meetings - so have to be more organised than comes naturally to me. And I have to keep a really close eye on my flexi-time allowance as there are family emergencies and meetings at school during the day (one of my kids has SEN) and again, husband can't do 100% or sometimes needs me there as well.

So... overall it's better than the very limited hours I had before, but if I had a chance to go to 4 days a week, I would. That's not feasible in my current post.

This will be rolled out in September 2024, and we expect that by September 2026, all parents will be able to access wraparound care, either from their school or other provider.7 Jul 2023

Free childcare: How we are tackling the cost of childcare
GOV.UK blogs
educationhub.blog.gov.uk › 2023/07/07 › free-ch...

All primary schools must have wrap around care in place by 2024 for all children who want it

I think it comes down to how supportive your husband is. My husband and I are both in the same field but different specialties. When an opportunity for a fully funded PhD came, he was more than happy for me to take it (it meant a significant pay cut). We have two small children now and try to parent equally. You shouldn’t feel guilty about following your dreams - as much as women love to martyr themselves for their children, one day those children will leave to follow their own dreams and what then?

Since I had my children (9&6) I have worked full and part time, and completed new qualifications. My husband has always worked full-time and we have both progressed at a similar rate although I am still the higher earner, and in a more senior role. There’s been a lot to juggle, but it’s worthwhile to feel fulfilled - happy parents, happy kids. I found that companies, recruiters do tend to limit the options for part-time workers, particularly those working school hours, by making assumptions about your ambition and what’s achievable in shorter working hours. I really recommend looking at your options to return to full-time work, or maybe longer 9-5 days 3-4 days/week. Talk to your hubby about what more he can do and look for employers that have flexible and family-friendly policies.

omg again, I’m not martyring myself! I chose to have a child and I will be around when she neeeds me! I had a life before her and I’ll make one when she’s grown up but now, I chose to bring her into the world and I’ll be there for her.

There irony is that as you progress up a career ladder, you are more likely to have a work from home role. Now, as a senior professional, I am able to be present for the teenage daughter when she returns from school.

The mums who gave up careers, are now having to work a lot of hours, away from home, and are less present. (older teenagers are expensive, as is supporting a child at Uni).

It is all swings and roundabouts so just do what you want to do.

I do t think they have less options as you can pay for childcare and that’s what me and my husband do.

So in essence to continue our careers we are sacrificing some time with our child. It really depends how you prioritise things etc.

I carried on doing my professional job I'd trained for most of the time while DDs were small though mostly part time - well, I say part time, often it was 4 days a week and didn't feel PT.

I had to change the way I worked more than DH did, though he did share pick ups and drop offs with childcare and staying off with them when they were ill.

It's always tough when they are little, whatever you do I think. I was lucky that I was the main earner even when PT and even paying for childcare made sense financially.