Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

What is it that you want to do can you find something part time/hybrid that works that is in that field?
If you are working part time can you do a training course/s to upskill and keep relevant in the field that you want to go into?
I have always to be honest worked to fit around our Daughter (really shocking 3 12 hour shift job including weekends when she was tiny) but she's 9 now I work a flexible hybrid role in a field I enjoy for a decent salary.
There are roles out there that could work and provide more job satisfaction. Employers are more open to hybrid and flexible working especially since COVID.

People always forget about the childcare workers in this debate. Majority of whom are women, who work extremely long hours and are paid atrocious wages.
But the post isn’t about childminders or their pay.

No but without them this debate would not even exist as there would be no childcare for working parents.

I've got more choices as a f/t working mum now, because I decided to keep working when the children were little. I progressed my career to a level where I've got a lot of flexibility and never have to justify taking time off to deal with family-related stuff.

Once the children are in school, all you're gaining from p/t work is a couple of extra hours every day with them - if you think that's worth giving up your career, fair enough, it's an entirely valid choice. But if you're doing it because of societal pressure, you just need a thicker skin.

I feel the same! Women are definitely disadvantaged. Or rather, anyone with caring responsibilities is disadvantaged, which more often than not is women.

I am in a professional job and am the main earner in my household. Prior to having a baby I'd have said things were pretty equal for men and women in the workplace, but now...

My work have turned down my flexible working request to do compressed hours, even though my job would be perfect for it. I've appealed and they've given me one afternoon off, which isn't much use. I can't afford to go part-time, can't move jobs because I don't know what a new job wouldn't involve re being in the office/travelling. Her dad does his bit, but it's very hard for me to think of coming off maternity leave and then spending all week with her elsewhere.

I also can't move roles because I need to know what the maternity policy is beforehand for baby 2 and you can't find that out before you start a new job or you'd never get it.

If I was in the position to, I'd be quitting my professional job now and getting a part-time role anywhere that allowed me to spend a couple of days a week with my baby until she starts school, so I can fully see how women are I pushed out of the workplace.

Women need to go into office roles, especially stem. So many roles involve wfh. I’m in office 1 day a week and my hours are 8-4. Same as my male colleagues.

You have options. It sounds like it’s time to stop letting people tell you what your role is in life and channel energy into getting your career back on track. If your other half doesn’t like it he can drop down his hours. Everyone else can take their opinions and shove them. There is nothing selfish or unusual about being a full time working parent.

Listen to this lady OP

People always forget about the childcare workers in this debate. Majority of whom are women, who work extremely long hours and are paid atrocious wages.
But the post isn’t about childminders or their pay.
No but without them this debate would not even exist as there would be no childcare for working parents.

So start a topic on it if it is important to you. How is a second topic running alongside the OPs issue going to help. It’s just cluttering the thread..

To echo what others have said, OP wasn't talking about childcare, she was talking about her career.

If that’s aimed at me- there’s absolutely no need to be defensive. I was responding to a poster up thread who implied it was impossible to breastfeed and work FT. It was just saying it isn’t always impossible. I’m in no way judging anyone who didn’t or couldn’t or wanted to but couldn’t make it work.

Your social circle doesn't represent society as a whole.

It is a fact that a SAHP is much more likely to be a woman
It's also a fact that more mothers go part time than fathers, in fact, the majority of mothers go part time after maternity leave.

It isn't the 1950's but there's still plenty of inequality and sexism.

Hmm...I think I hit a nerve. Have a peaceful day ❤

OP - single parent here. I simply ignore the guilters, point out what an example /i am setting my DCS and that as a strong woman I am a role model.

?It is bloody hard but the childminder I had for 3 days per week became like a grandmother to my DCs and they objected if I took that time away from them if I was free!!

Now eldest is 16 and seeing some of the SAHM sadly divocing and struggling to find work, jobs and say to me they wished they had done what I did - is very sad on many counts. No one wants to be a single parent , they were gulit trippers and made me feel bad till I zoned them out and I do not feel sympathy for them, their boys are absolute brats and prefer Dad because he ahs the cash.

This! I love your last paragraph @SummerDayz63!
I can totally relate!

Hmm...I think I hit a nerve. Have a peaceful day ❤
How?
it doesnt affect me in anyway.
Another strange and irrelevant comment.

Some of us actually want to spend time with our children! Can’t imagine why you bother having kids if you don’t want to be there for them.

I've always worked and yes of course there have been so many people telling or hinting what a terrible mother I must be, how I'm missing all the precious moments and why have children if I don't want to spend every minute with them. And it's none of their business. Oh, oddly, nobody has asked my DC's other parent why he is working or why he had kids. Funny that.

I have absolutely 0 regrets. Financial security in invaluable. If I no longer had DH (for any reason, including my own decision), I would be perfectly fine. I wouldn't have to stay in a bad marriage just because I can't afford to leave.
I never have to worry if DC can go on a school trip, if they can participate in any hobbies, if they can go to uni, etc. Yes, I do think that in the end, this is better for them and being there chaning all the diapers myself would not have been a better option overall.

I very much agree with the PP though - your DH's career is now established, now it's your turn to concentrate on yours. So he will need to be the default parent. Remove yourself from school mailing lists, so you don't even have the temptation to take the load on. Any sick days - he's option 1. Any clashing work trips - yours should be prioritised.

Have you asked your husband why he bothered having kids?

There is pressure on women to have it all, to be able to do it all. Unless you have a husband who is in this as a partner absolutely 100% - sometimes willing to take on more than the 50/50 when it’s needed, you will struggle. And when you've tried to do it all and have it all and not really succeeded as you would wish because the cards are against you (lack of support from partner, taking hits from maternity leave or sick leave for yourself or the kids) when the kids are adults and you get older you look back and wonder why did I miss it all for a battle where the odds were stacked against me and one I was never in all honesty going to win. Your next move depends 1. on really what you want. Have a good think - whole life approach - about that -the kids are small for such a short time. DONT feel pressure to perform -and equally don’t feel you have to limit yourself. And 2. your husbands attitude (either recognising and listening and understanding the massive sacrifices you are making to not pursue a career right now, or offering support as to how he can help with everything if you do want a change). If you are not getting this from your husband have a REALLY good think about that.

Don’t have a husband. Have you asked your kids who they’d actually prefer to be home with them when they’re sick because most want their mum over their dad.

Alarm bells are ringing. You have found yourself living someone else's dream. You are the only one making any sacrifices. there is in theory enough family money to provide childcare so that you can work on your career. I was in the same situation and then when I finally went back to work, having wrung every last bit of usefulness out of me, he had an affair with a 21 year old. 12 years post divorce, I'm in my dream job, doing an MA. I am however having to sort out a clean break settlement now...long story. I would say to any woman, how ever lovely you think your husband is, don't make yourself reliant on him and watch your pension pot. You have a place to occupy on this planet too. I was told my time would come, but after 20 years of marriage, it was clear that it wasn't. Protect yourself and your own happiness, because it seems that he isn't.

Ignore what other people may think or say. My kids were young when working mums were really frowned upon. I did not want to stall in my career and insisted I was not the default parent 80% of my wages went on childcare but Ive never regretted in for a minute.

Dads can request flexible working from their employer too! This works for me and my husband, we both cut our hours slightly to work around childcare. I am continuing my career after maternity leave and it’s working well so far. It also helps that my husband works from home in his job and mine is 3 days from home too x

So I stayed in the same (what I would class as "good") job in the NHS I had before having my daughter, but I dropped to 27 hours (3 9 hour days) that allows me 2 days at home with my daughter. I originally worked FT over 4 days anyway so it wasn't a massive change. My husband works from home and does drop off / pick ups most days, but I also have a good boss that gives me flexibility to adjust my hours as needed (with notice) to do drop off/ pick up when my husband is working away. You can find a balance in a good job if you can find a good employer and your husband is willing to be a partner in this.