Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

Clearly your husband doesn't, why don't you question him rather than virtual strangers?

Exactly, at least we are going in the right direction.. Schools shouldn't start at 9 and end at 3.

Almost identically to me - yes I would like to have been there for every school run etc too but found it’s not possible to have it all, or not without breaking yourself, but the more senior you get the more flexibility that often comes with that so it works itself out. I have found with quite a few mum friends it’s mainly themselves that have limited their opportunities, well intentioned as they wanted to be with their DC but the knock on impacts become worse later on

Her daughter is at school, she's not a babe in arms.

Can't imagine why you bother having kids if you don't want to show them an example of how to have a job while bringing up children, and to model financial independence.

And please don't tell mums their kids don't want them if they are happy to be looked after by their dad, which is entirely normal and healthy. What a horrible thing to say.

Well first, I’m not married and even if I was why would me wanting to be their for my kids make my partner less so? Strange logic!

The bit that @notahappybunny7 seems to be missing is how their lifestyle is funded? I could stay at home with my kids but my home would be a cardboard box and they’d be hungry because I had no money.

Well I can see why your kids don’t want you but generally kids want their mum.
Some of us actually want to spend time with our children! Can’t imagine why you bother having kids if you don’t want to be there for them.

What shitty comments.
Why be like that?
Everyone is on their own journey and just trying g to get through it.
You know that.

you've made a choice! Almost my full monthly wage is the cost of childcare but i chose to work and not earn much so that when she is at school in a few years I will be making decent money and my career hasn't suffered.

I have zero guilt about it and if anyone is judgmental about my choice I don't care! my child is happy and i do plenty with her in the evenings / weekends & during my annual leave!

Women (with partners) must stop calculating their net earnings after childcare costs paid, and must stop male partners from doing this.
Childcare costs should be paid, proportionate to earnings, from each parent.

How old are your children?

Mine are 14 YO twins and 11 YO. All in secondary now.

Twins were in nursery from 8 months; 11 YO not at all. He was with his dad from 11 months when I went back to work full time after his redundancy (I was also made redundant at the same time, luckily I was redeployed elsewhere otherwise we'd have been fucked). They did all attend pre-school.

I have asked them more than once what they remember from that time. The answer is a confused look and "nothing". Sure, they reap the rewards of being taught to eat, walk, go to the toilet, read a book etc. but they don't actually remember it.

Stay at home with your children, it makes literally no difference to me. But so long as they're in a fun, supportive atmosphere they'll be fine. I guess what I'm trying to say it - with the benefit of hindsight, you'll see that it makes very little difference to your children whether you're with them 24/7 or not.

As an aside - my children didn't spend a night away from me till the youngest was 4. Does that make me a 'better' parent than those that let their kids stay overnight with granny when they're younger?

Is there no after school club ? How do others manage if not ? I’ve been back at work 9-5 full time since DD was 6 months old and no regrets. she is in after school club every day and loves it.

@emmylousings when i say my pay is the cost of childcare - i mean as a family we are no better off financially than if i didn't work! the money in the pot is the same.

It's a choice. We both chose to have careers and both work full time. All childcare and household repsonsibilities were evenly split.

Can’t imagine why you bother having kids if you don’t want to be there for them.
why would me wanting to be their for my kids make my partner less so?

So you are saying only independently wealthy couples who can live on passive income should be having children? For most families, funding your life does include 'not being there' for children at least some of the time.

So you conceived your kids by yourself without a man? Why isn’t their father in their lives?

To come back to your original question...

Of course he has more options than you. He has that useful thing, a "wife".

If you want to have as many options in your career as he does, I suggest you look into obtaining one, although unfortunately this is far less straightforward for women.

People will tell you it is about "choices" but it is amazing how many young women end up finding themselves in this position despite originally aspiring to be "equal" in all aspects of their relationships.

What business is that of yours?

I was in a very similar situation when my children were young - working part-time in a job well below my capabilities because it fitted in with school times. I thought about what I'd be interested in doing when I could do more hours and started courses - evening classes and home study - so I'd be ready when the time came. I found I felt much better about the part-time work because it just became a means to an end, not a career choice. I don't know if that would be something that might help you?

All well and good on paper but the school can't provide it if they don't have the staff.

@MrsMarzetti It is the law. It must be in place by 2026. It won't be free obviously and schools can use an external provider. However ALL schools must provide wrap around care.
It will be hard to staff but schools do not have to find staff. It can be run by an external service but linked to the school.

My husband and I have both made compromises because family is priority for both of us now. He was recently headhunted for a new role that would have been great for his career but it would have meant longer working hours and no working from home so he has stayed in his flexible job with good work life balance because it means more family time and means he's here for preschool drop offs and pickups.

I've reduced my working week to 30 hours (I'm not complaining about that luxury) and I'm working more weekends and nightshifts because it means more time during the week to go to toddler groups and other activities while my son gets loads of bonding time with Dad during weekends.

It's my business because you are judging working mothers, not working fathers.

They will find the staff.

Even if I won the lottery and never needed to work again, my child wouldn't get 100% of me because what would be left for me?

Life isn't a finite amount of anything that gets split into percentages, if you have a second child you don't abandon your first one for 50% of the time and give them 50% less love.

You make it work, and find ways to ensure that you can focus on work when you're there and focus on your child when they need you and focus on yourself when you need that.

DD has been in full time nursery since she was was 9months, then school, she's now 9yo. She feels loved, she's confident, bright, well adjusted, happy, occasionally annoying, generally well behaved, sociable, starting to show signs of hormonal moodiness (which is fun).

She hasn't been damaged by me working, she has benefitted from our financial stability and she's benefitted from my feeling of self worth, confidence and achievement which in part is obtained by progressing in my career.

Nonsense. However, 2 full time working parents need a lot of help from others or to pay their way for that help.