Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

I second this.

Think long term, far too many people think short term when the most expensive childcare costs are only for the first few years.

I think mum's with partners who don't do a fair share of the childcare, housework and mental load have fewer options.

Obviously it's going to scupper your career if you have a double load of the household responsibility.

Why isn't your dh pulling his weight?

This. You allowed this to happen. Childcare is a shared responsibility. Who decided your career should take a back seat?

Yes I sometimes feel the same.

I'm PT in a job that's school hours. DD is 16 and DS is 11.

I've decided to do what's best for everyone else (sticking to PT hours) until DS is 16 or 18, depending on how he's getting on at school and then will look at retraining. Then I plan to go FT and start more of a career. I will only be 42 when DS is 16, so I've got time on my side.

If you make the choice to work part time then it’s always going to be more limited.
Theres a lot less part time jobs and most won’t be senior level jobs as it tends to require more full time focused time on the job unless you become a consultant and can do freelance work on high hourly rates.
Your husband chose to work full time and keep focusing on his career.
We have to make choices in life and if you want more time with the kids and work part time the consequences are that there’s less opportunities for career progression.
Personally I ramped up my career post kids and we both work full time. It’s been tough and I prob don’t see my kids as often but it a choice I’ve made to keep progressing and earning more money.

Me and my DH both work full time (partly WFH) and daughter is in childcare full time. If I finish early (or he does) we pick her up early, so she doesn't always do full days. We split sick days, pick ups etc.

We've both stayed senior in our careers and are progressing. You should go back to full time and get more childcare if you're feeling like that

No. Working mums can have ambitious good careers too. We made a pact with husband, we switch every 1.5-2 years or so, so one focuses more on work and the other at home and vica versa. I’m 32 and leading a department at a global Cybersec company and I make very good money. Husband is in similar position. Communicate

As a single mum who has always worked since my daughter was 9 months old, I felt a lot of mum guilt about working at all, let alone wanting a career. I felt fortunate to have a job that fitted around school hours, but it was a job I didn’t really enjoy and didn’t really want to progress in, but I felt stuck in it due to the hours I worked being so much more convenient. I stuck this out for the 6 years of primary school, and when she started secondary, took a risk and started a new job, that one didn’t actually work out, but I fell in to a completely different job which I would have never opted for or even thought I could do. It’s now four years later and overall I really enjoy my work and feel a lot of achieve and satisfaction from my work. I have gradually increased my hours and now work full-time for a good salary. It is definitely much easier to not feel guilty about this now my daughter is older, and she also sees the benefits of working hard now she’s older, but as you are in a relationship I don’t think it should be assumed that it’s your responsibility to be the one to not work on your career and just wait to your daughter is older. If you are miserable in your job and then feel miserable in yourself, I think that can have a negative effect on your daughter and it’s just as important for you to be happy

No I don’t feel like this. I did choose to go part time after dd was born but I work enough hours to progress my career and have got promotions during this time. I now earn more than DH. Yes at first a lot went on childcare but it was worth it to be able to progress. I will up my hours after my imminent second mat leave. My extra pay will just cover the extra nursery day. Again this is fine as it will benefit me in the long run. We all make choices.

This.

I have the opposite worry to OP at the moment. I work FT, pick up the kids one day per week but am thinking I should be around more as they are growing up quickly. Work is interesting and my career is going well, but I don't think work alone can solely fulfill me. Life requires some balance and readjustments at different stages of life are sometimes needed I think, whether it is putting a bit more focus onto your career or taking the brakes off.

I’ve always worked and I’m a single parent and my support system is my family. If I didn’t have family then I would find out more about the childcare schemes at my workplace which allowed me to put my daughter in nursery when she was young. When she started school it became easier.

It’s weird, you get mum guilt as a full time working parent but I have an incredible relationship with my daughter. I turn up to every single school event. I make sure that someone can pick her up from school. And now I work from home and run a business and she sees me work - she knows what I do, we talk about it and she has so much pride. If I wasn’t a mum I’m sure I would be higher in my career but for me, balancing being there for my child is just as important as a career.

Can you work from home?
what are your skills and what have you gained from 15 years at this job - I am sure you have skills
What do you want to do? Is there anything part time you can take on related to this field?

If your husband isn’t supportive that is rubbish, but work on it in your own time. No matter how long it takes.

There is a huge community of working mums. I personally ignore anyone that is judgy about my lifestyle.

Nonsense. In my social circle it’s a fairly even split; it’s not 1950 anymore

It doesn’t need to be this way though. I was a sahm. Then retrained and my Dh who does a ‘very important job’ did the leg work around it as he is established and can be more flexible, i could not have done it without him taking over everything. I was very ruthless because in my community this is not the norm (men aren’t expected to pull their weight on a normal day nevermind to expect them to do more so you can get back into a career) so I was very much on my guard and don’t feel any guilt as I’ve given a hell of a lot to my family and still do. There’s no need for resentment to build up unless your partner is not supporting you properly and are therefore blocking you from achieving what you want to achieve.

You are a person as well as a partner, mother and family member.

Go after your dreams. You will not live twice. Anyone who loves you would not want you to live a life unhappy and unforefilled.

If you're not happy with the way things are, change them.
It should not be that one partner is happy, and the other is not. Yet the happy one forces the unhappy one to stay unhappy, so they can remain happy.

It's called the 'motherhood penalty'.

It's mentioned in this youtube video by the economist:

Typically women who don't have children, and men earn similar. However if children are born, because of various reasons, the woman takes on a greater portion of the parenting responsibilities. When she then looks to return to work, because of the cost of childcare (UK is second most expensive in the world) the woman has difficulty, and starts shifting her job around the hours she can. Over years this results in a significantly lower wage than if she'd never had a child - a penalty for motherhood.

Definitely chat this over with you DH and see what you guys can do together.

I think it is generally more difficult for working mothers as there’s just so much to do, I work part time as find I need my days off just to cope with all housework, admin etc and to have any energy left for the children. As for childcare costs, I think parents have to accept the care of their children is their joint responsibility and not fall into the trap of one of them abandoning their career ambitions just because ‘they wouldn’t be any financially better off’ in the short term. I can understand someone making that decision if they hated their job?

And there you have it. You made this choice due to guilt, not because you had less options. You listened to those critical voices and now you're paying the price.

Honestly, don't be me! I did this. I put my career on hold when the dc were little. Took a couple of year off, then went back part time. Took jobs to fit around school runs always. Didnt taken on extra responsibility etc.
My youngest is now 15 and others have gone to uni. I am 50. I am just starting to rebuild my career and its hard. Also, I feel old and tired! And now Dh has started talking about retiring in a few years! (he's 53) and is winding down to a slower pace of life and it make me so angry and frustrated at the injustice of it all. SO my advice - make better choices than I did!

Choosing to go part time and working round school hours almost inevitably leads to less of a career
And the longer you do it the worse it is for your career
I had a few years of mat leave/part time and then resumed my career
No one expected my DH to give up his career when we had children,and no way was I going to give up mine
Had worked too hard to get it !

I have never lost my career and I chose to work full time but I have a flexible employer which allows hybridworkingand as long as I get my work done and available for business needs I don't havetobe 9-5 etc. My husband is very supportive and takes 50% of the load of everything and I don't believe in mum guilt!

Whenever someone tries to guilt me I simply ask would they ask the same question to a man......that usually stumps them or if they try and say that's different I ask why when a father is still a parent.....

Go after what makes you happy my tip would be to try and find good flexibility in an employer and then it's pretty straightforward!

Worrying about what other people think and their judgement is pointless. Why is you going to work different to your partner because you don’t have a penis? I bet the same ridiculous sexist people congratulate him for being hard working and a ‘good provider’.

In terms of finances it isn’t just the short term, it’s also pension and further progression. The mindset of ‘I’d be no better off’ is very shortsighted imo.

Get your career back on track would be my advice.

Why is it more difficult for mothers than fathers?

There are lots of men who pull their weight and end up taking a hit too.

Who is 'putting guilt on you'? Why does it affect you so much to the extent it limits your life choices? What's it got to do with them? Why is your husband not feeling this same guilt when they are equally his children?

I'm a working mum and have had the odd comment from people about ''having kids you never see' and just ignore them. Or ask them if they say that to their own husband who works full time

Yes my kids would rather not be in wraparound every day and holiday clubs in summer etc. It's boring and they find it tiring. And now we've both got flexibility in our careers, we can do the odd drop off and pick up straight to class. But there are benefits - they get lovely holidays, weekends away, get to go to any clubs they want to, hopefully we are modelling a good work ethic and equality in relationships (there is no default parent in our house). Our savings and pensions etc mean we can help them financially later in life. And they've actually made some good friends in wraparound from different year groups and found a couple of holiday clubs based on activities they enjoy that they've actually asked to go even if we are off!

I went p/t for 10 years self employed through choice as I wanted to spend time with my three when they were little. I now work f/t WFH so still see them after school etc. I have worked really hard at pulling myself up and now earn the same as DH. I feel if I wanted to I could earn more but I don't want to go any higher into management as it doesn't interest me. Personally now the kids are massive I feel privileged that I had the option to be with them. I loved the holidays and spending 6 weeks playing in forests, parks, beaches etc. Being able to spend time with my friends and family in a way I can't now I love my job too but not as much as that time.
It has been hard to work myself back up but I've enjoyed the challenge. I was lucky DH didn't fuck off or die I would have been properly screwed at one point. We obviously were a lot skinter then but tbh the extra money just gets spent. We don't have a considerably better lifestyle just don't need to watch every penny.

My DH and I are both high earners with fulfilling careers and split childcare and household duties equally. I'm afraid you've allowed this situation you are in. Keeping your career is always the best option (if it's what you want of course), despite the high cost of childcare eating into earnings, as those young years pass very quickly. Childcare is a split cist, don't see it as split of your wages. You need to discuss your unhappiness with your DH and get this sorted. You're very vulnerable financially.