Do working mums have less options

[Theamofm]

My husband has a great job and earns good money. He's studied hard and done exams to get to where he is. All this has been done in the last 7/8 years while I've been working part time. We have a daughter who's at school but as it stands my job fits round school runs. I'm lucky to have a job so flexible and I appreciate that but I feel resentful that my husband is excelling and getting better and better and actually since having a child I'm in a job that I would consider basic. I used to have ambition and worked my way up to a supervisor position years ago but had to stop because of childcare. I'm now just working in a job I don't like because it fits. I want more for myself but when I mention it I just get told I should stick this out while my daughter is at school. My time will come. Will it though? I've been out of the loop so long doing a basic job that I know I would have to start again in the future. I'd been working in the same industry for 15 years, had a good knowledge of it and was working my way up. I just feel frustrated and I don't know where to turn job wise. I have so many ideas and so much to give. Does anyone else feel the same?

Okay. Women (me and other posters) are trying to explain men have an unfair advantage at work due to facilitation which is no fault of the women. It is societal expectations and patriarchy.

As an example for me, I work in STEM/technology and I'm the only women in my team of 6. If it were up to some men I wouldn't work there and they'd hire a male, they wouldn't hire someone of bearing age.

This is why I feel hurt. I want to be seen more than my gender and uterus put to say.

Some men get promoted quickly and higher as they don't have childcare issues to worry about, hence putting women at a disadvantage.

Everyone should be treated equally who work full time, work part time, SAHM or SAHM returning to work etc and in addition to SAHD. Women should be seen equal to men, that's all. I didn't mean to criticise SAHM's.

Who are these people who are guilting you?

Tell them to fuck the fuck off!

You should feel very proud of the work you do. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

I appreciate your point of view but I just do not feel the answer to inequality and sexism in society is to blame other women. Even if it is only partial blame.

Thank you ☺️ same goes for you! X

It isn't the only answer, it's incredibly complex and many, many things contribute to it but this is absolutely one of those things that do make it harder for other women.

In theory but there are many parents who have different priorities, experiences, interests and knowledge bases which can mean one ends up being more focussed on the childcare, often the mother

Even if more men were happy being SAHDs, statistically SAHDs are a bit shit compared to SAHMs in terms of the hours of chores/childcare they do. Studies have shown that they don't do much more than working mums.

So as a woman whose husband/partner is a SAHD, you wouldn't necessarily have the same advantages at work as a man whose wife is a SAHM.

Only anecdotally.

Yeah, that’s true aswell

It’s not anecdotal in my life. I think a lot of women have extremely low expectations of men personally.

There are a lot of studies showing that most men don't pull their weight. That's why I take the "I know lots of men who do their share and so do all my friends" type of observation with a pinch of salt.

It may be your life but it's not that of most women.

And btw this is exactly what anecdotal evidence is.

The problem is that these studies are self perpetuating.

If the expectation of society was that women did no housework, I’d let the blokes crack on tbh because I’m naturally lazy like most people.

Every study that says this actually reinforces it and sets women back. The acceptance of this does the same.

The attitude of feminists on mumsnet of ‘blame the men for everything’ also doesn’t help. Women can be every bit as sexist and and also take over/ be control freaks. I have a friend for example who moans her DP does nothing but she won’t let anything rest for a minute. I’ve been on holiday with her and by 7am she’s buzzing round the kitchen getting breakfast for teens who could do it themselves. Why?

You call it anecdotal, but as individuals we only have power in our own lives. So that’s all we can actually influence.

Giving credence to studies that say that having a penis makes you incapable of managing a house sets women back.

@Teateaandmoretea . Women aren't to blame for men not pulling their weight. Most women aren't falling over themselves with joy to cook every night and make their kid's packed lunches. It is not being a "control freak" to insist that kids are fed and washed, have clean clothes and are taken to school/nursery and collected.

Many women are reluctant to accept it, but if the reality is that their children aren't given an acceptable level of basic parenting, they will step in. Many men know this and exploit it.

^^This is exactly what is always trotted out.

Yawn. It helps absolutely no one. The problem is society’s expectations not men or women as a group per se.

On the same note there is more pressure for men to earn ££££££ and be ‘good providers’. You see that on mumsnet, the number of women who moan about their partner not earning enough.

Since DD was born nearly 7 years ago, my career has really taken off. I'm 45 and I'm a professional role. I've taken several qualifications and attended a lot of training. I'm now balancing F/T work with some voluntary work and a PhD. DH also works full time. My mum lives over 200 miles away and my siblings are on the other side of the world. DH's family are an hour away but would only help in an emergency. We accept that this means we have to pay for childcare.

It's trotted out because it's fairly accurate 🙄.

You can't force people to parent. And it's interesting that there are a vanishingly small number of single fathers compared to single mothers and that is mostly the result of bereavement, not one parent leaving.

And there are also a number of posts from women on MN asking about how to make more money/get a higher-paid job.

But would some of those men actually neglect their children? If so then I can't imagine staying married to them knowing that.

All of these examples come back down to the fact that society is sexist. More single mothers, more SAHM's, male SAHP's usually not the same as SAHM's etc.

If society was more equal, those things wouldn't necessarily stay the same.

I am a single mum of a 7 year old, I came out of an abusive relationship with her dad 5 years ago precisely because he doesn’t value men and women as equals. It hasn’t got any easier as he gets to choose to do 15% childcare. Wednesday nights, alternate weekends and 3 out of 13 weeks’ holiday a year. I have 7 years at 4 different universities and two professional qualifications behind me and was doing well in my career before this. There’s nothing to be done either as the law is simply that men get to choose how much childcare they do. It has bankrupted me and really harmed my mental health. I love our daughter and yet I feel trapped to be honest as if I want to be a present mum for her, I obviously can’t work much. I have tried many, many jobs in the past 5 years and basically can’t manage it all.

OP, in your situation, I’d be furious and yet try to be grateful if you have enough money and your DH does view your contribution as equal.

The thing is he’s not selfish!
If he could get pregnant, carry the children, have the c-sections he would! He parents equally when at home I’m just here more at the moment.
I have missed payrises from not being at work but pregnancy makes me really sick throughout, the c-section was a long recovery.
If I went full time and he went part time he would lose his promotion, I wouldn’t gain a promotion just for going full time so we would be worse off.
Even if you did shared parental leave, the woman will need time off to recover. She may be breastfeeding so need to be the one at home. Our household is as equal as it can be but there are certain things only a mother can do at the moment, so can it ever be totally equal?

@GirlsAndPenguins

Read the OP, he is selfish, he's let his wife put her career at risk for EIGHT YEARS. He could have stepped up once the breastfeeding was done but he didn't. Like most men

Nothing biological about wanting to care? Men and women don't have different traits? Hormones? Instincts? Just society brainwashing us to want to be with our babies?

People have different traits because people are different and have different personalities.

Of course society has a large influence and our society is sexist.