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Original poster

Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

216 replies

Shellsx · 07/09/2023 15:37

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 07/09/2023 15:45

I'm completely against smacking, but even I think you need to cut yourself a little slack here. It must never happen again - treat today as a watershed moment - but you haven't hurt him, in fact he's probably already forgotten it.

Lots of us were smacked by default as kids, and when our own kids push us to the limit that unwanted impulse to hit out is there - I've experienced it myself (I also have ND kids who could be unbelievably challenging when younger). What you need to do now is make a plan for what happens next time, and all the times after that. You need to be able to recognise when you're reaching that point of snapping, how you're going to get DS into a position where he can't do any further damage and take the heat out of the situation. If both parents are there, having a code word and tag-teaming can help ensure nobody hits their snapping point. If you're on your own and your kid is small enough, physically removing them to a safer place can help, however undignified it looks - I used to hold DS firmly in my lap until he calmed down enough when he was little; not hurting him, but enough restraint to prevent him hurting himself or me. It's not ideal but it was sometimes the only option when he was losing his shit in a shop full of breakables!

We did the same holiday every year for years as well, for the same reasons as you, but there are always flashpoints when you're away from home and routines are wonky. It is so, so hard parenting kids with additional needs.

Flowersforbees · 07/09/2023 15:46

You calm down, apologise to your son and explain that you lost control and that it wasn't ok.

Then move on.

Sounds like you were pushed to the absolute limit which most people won't experience. You would have had adrenaline pumping and would have gone into fight or flight mode. Not saying it is ok but try to forgive yourself.

Glovesandscarf · 07/09/2023 15:47

as above, are you inScotland? Wouldn’t worry about police if not.
just out of curiosity what was his reaction?

gamerchick · 07/09/2023 15:52

Did it work?

Sometimes we have to do what we dont usually do to prevent a massive incident. Stop being so hard on yourself OP.

Thewizardbinbag · 07/09/2023 15:52

Are you in Scotland? No one in England would call the police.

Anontocomment · 07/09/2023 15:54

Even if you're in Wales, I doubt that you'll have an issue - it's a one-off and in an extreme situation.

The advice given by @Greensleeves is really good.

He got away, into a dangerous situation and you stopped it. He didn't break the glassware in the shop (which could have injured him / others) never mind the cost - so that's actually a win for you.

Hopefully you have support to be able to cope with this, as if he's over-turning the pram and hurting his younger siblings that needs noting (not least so you don't get the blame).

It was a lapse as you're at the end of your tether.

Sending a big hug.

cuckyplunt · 07/09/2023 15:56

I remember crying on the phone to my Mum after I lamped my eldest in Tesco, she was being a proper little horror and ended up pulling the push chair over, bouncing her little sister’s head of the floor.
She doesn’t remember, it’s fine. Sometimes it does them good to know that it’s possible to push people too far.

CozyCamper · 07/09/2023 15:57

Genuinely don't think people in Scotland would either.

OP, give yourself a break. Apologise to DS and move swiftly along.

Desecratedcoconut · 07/09/2023 15:57

It sounds so stressful, op. What an awful day. Well done for saving him from all the injuries that would have happened had he collided with a display with glass ornaments.

While you are berating yourself for not pulling off this major feat with the skill and patience of a saint, is your dh wondering how a grown man can't keep hold of a six year old?

PurplePansy05 · 07/09/2023 15:59

I really don't think this situation is a problem, you've intervened preventing him and/or someone else getting hurt. You needed to act urgently. Yes, it's not the best reaction from you, but you've tried all sorts and he ignored you. If that was me, he'd have had a smack after he pushed the buggy with his little brother in it, imagine how dangerous this could have been? He should never do this again. I think you've been very patient tbh and I'm guessing this is due to you being understanding and accommodating his ND.

I think you sit down and calmly talk that you are sorry, but you cannot let him do X, Y and Z and explain he needs to apologise for his behaviour too and not do these things again because they can be dangerous. Would he understand a calm conversation along those lines?

Notamum12345577 · 07/09/2023 16:00

Or Wales, they totally banned it like Scotland.

DivingForLove · 07/09/2023 16:01

@Desecratedcoconut your last paragraph is incredibly unhelpful. If you’ve ever tried to restrain an autistic child in full meltdown I think you’d understand that.

OP, please cut yourself a whole lot of slack. That sounds horrendous and it’s not just a one off it’s again and again and again.

I hope you and dh have some time to try and debrief and talk. Big hugs x

Turtlegurl888 · 07/09/2023 16:01

Go easy on yourself. That sounded like an incredibly difficult moment. I bet you are so stressed. Treat it as a learning incident, now you know how you feel after you've done it you'll be even less likely to do it again, especially if it isn't your usual style.

Many a parent has lost control over far less. I'm not justifying smacking, but in this case, give yourself some grace. I remember my mom giving my brother a right whack on his bum when he beelined suddenly out of a shop and straight into a main road. She didn't think, she was in shock, relieved the articulated lorry that passed moments before hadn't crushed him. Things like this happen in seconds with young children and you're not a bad mother.

Hope you're destressing with wine! Give your son an extra cuddle and apologise but agree with pp, he's almost certainly forgotten it already.

HelloBridesmaidLiketheBeard · 07/09/2023 16:03

I'm not against the occasional smack where necessary, and I think this was justified.

DNAwrangler · 07/09/2023 16:09

Honestly you did what you needed to do, to stop a spiraling situation. This could have been SO much worse. But you contained it.

I wouldn’t be apologizing to your DS either.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 07/09/2023 16:12

I think with calling the police its all within context, a parently calmly whacking their child is very different to what you did. I am in no way saying your DS deserved to be smacked, but more saying its understandable why. I'm in Scotland and wouldn't call the police about this. I also think you need to cut yourself some slack, that all sounds very hard and stressful.

As a PP has noted, well done for saving him from hitting the glass display unit, he could have gotten really hurt if he had.

While you are berating yourself for not pulling off this major feat with the skill and patience of a saint, is your dh wondering how a grown man can't keep hold of a six year old?

I'll be honest and took that to mean is the DH similarly contemplating his actions, not that anyone is questioning how hard it is to restrain during a meltdown

violetcuriosity · 07/09/2023 16:19

Big hug. He needs to learn that he can't destruct things/hurt people when he's in crisis. You were in a shit situation, shitty situations make us do shitty things sometimes. Work on deescalation strategies and make a plan between you and your husband for these situations (don't include picking him up and physically removing him in this plan because before long he'll be huge) and hopefully that way you'll feel more 'ready' next time. Decide who will do what. You're doing a good job, please don't think you are, the fact you're worried about this shows how well you are doing.

runrabbit77 · 07/09/2023 16:19

I am against smacking but OP, I understand the reflex. I have caught myself before and managed to stop myself, but its hard. Its fucking hard, FUCKING hard. The heat of the moment, the adrenaline rushes, the stress and embarrassment.

Cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself. Apologise to DS. And think about how you could try and cope with it in future to avoid getting to that point again.

momonpurpose · 07/09/2023 16:20

DNAwrangler · 07/09/2023 16:09

Honestly you did what you needed to do, to stop a spiraling situation. This could have been SO much worse. But you contained it.

I wouldn’t be apologizing to your DS either.

Sometimes a quick shock is what's needed. Give yourself grace OP

Desecratedcoconut · 07/09/2023 16:21

I'll be honest and took that to mean is the DH similarly contemplating his actions, not that anyone is questioning how hard it is to restrain during a meltdown

Yeah, I did mean it like that. I think it was a bit much for him to be throwing the side eye and judging the op against idealized standards and finding her wanting - as though he hadn't seen the whole thing play out, as if he hadn't also been an actor in the whole thing.

Original poster
Shellsx · 07/09/2023 16:21

Gosh I certainly didn't expect replies like this, thank you. Once he had calmed down I had to leave them with DD and excuse myself to have a cry.

We're not in Scotland no, a costal town in the south of England.

It hasn't been the break we'd hoped. He has smashed yet another amazon fire tablet (he's onto the double digits now) and broke a brand new toy I'd only bought him hours before. I'm usually very good at keeping my cool, I think today was the straw that broke the camels back.

He's such a lovely boy in general and I love the bones of him. I'd never set out to hurt him.

RE how he reacted when smacked, I don't think it registered. All he was focusing on was that he wanted that particular toy.

OP posts:
Strawberryshitcake · 07/09/2023 16:21

I opened this having judged you already, but reading your op changed my mind. I am completely against smacking but I think these were extremely challenging circumstances and it wasn’t done as a punishment.

SoftSheen · 07/09/2023 16:22

That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I think you should cut yourself some slack here. No, you shouldn't have smacked him (and should work hard to prevent it happening again), but what you did is not likely to cause him any harm, either physically or otherwise. We are all human and all make mistakes. Also, although smacking is not optimal parenting it is also not illegal (at least in England) and was commonplace only a generation ago. 💐

pieinthesky10 · 07/09/2023 16:23

DNAwrangler · Today 16:09

Honestly you did what you needed to do, to stop a spiraling situation. This could have been SO much worse. But you contained it.

I wouldn’t be apologizing to your DS either.

This ^

Ducksinthebath · 07/09/2023 16:25

No need to feel bad and no need for an apology either. The situation was spiralling out of control to the point your son could have been hurt if the breakables were flying everywhere, and you stopped that from happening in a way that was quick, proportionate and (in my view) entirely reasonable. It's clear you don't make a habit of it and it's not for the purpose of chastisement.

If I saw what you'd described I'd be thinking positively about your presence of mind and perseverance, not calling the police. I'm sorry your DH wasn't more supportive and that your holiday has been far from a relaxing break for you all.