Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

[Shellsx]

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

I think that you did the best you could in a very difficult situation. I probably would’ve smacked him too. Really bad behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated, regardless of disability.

Severely disabled doesn't indicate capability/inability. Nor is it remotely indicative of the challenge the OP faced today (and, it would appear, every day).

What? This kid's disability is literally the reason for his extreme emotional response.

Like others on this thread, I am against smacking in principle but think you should cut yourself some slack. You’re only human. It’s clear you love your son very much & weren’t setting out to hurt him punitively. You were acting on reflex in the heat of a very difficult moment. Be kind to yourself.

No blame here OP

I think some of the worst incidents we've had as a family have been when we were trying to have a holiday with our Autistic child in the days before we got to grips with the idea that to him, the strange place and the no routine and the endless confusion was hell on earth.

Hi, I am another mum on here with an Adhd/Asd teen, I have been there too with my DD when she was younger and having meltdowns in the street, oh the looks I used to get, I used to feel like the worst mum in the world. I hold my hands up, I have also smacked her once in the past, I felt so guilty but anyway she soon forgot about it. Please stop beating yourself up, we are all only human and it’s so difficult to stay patient all of the time.

OP, you are only human. Sounds like a short sharp shock was the only thing that would help in the situation unfortunately. For what it's worth I was smacked as a child and I even though I wouldn't do it to my kids (although in a breaking point situation like you were in, who knows) I am a pretty well adjusted adult. What I am trying to say is you haven't done any lasting psychological damage.

Cut yourself some slack. He’s fine and you prevented him from causing serious damage. Parenting is tough and you are not a robot sometimes we just react in the situation.

Oh give yourself a break! He's fine, it sounds like an awful situation and it was a tap, he wasn't hurt 💐 everyone can be pushed too far, he needs to learn that.

Ok smacking isn't the done thing any more, but everyone has their limits and sometimes a short sharp shock is absolutely necessary especially where safety is concerned.

Don't beat yourself up anymore. Have a chat with your son, don't apologise, but acknowledge that your reaction wasn't the best and try and make an agreement to both do better. Easier said than done with an autistic child I know, but at least you will have cleared the air and can have a fresh start and new day tomorrow.

I would definitely avoid giving in at any point - as you can see you are just making a rod for your own back by doing that (especially by setting up the expectations of a child with autism!) - although I can understand why you did at times of course.

I think 'we can't have that but we can do this' is a million times better. You can't have the £70 toy but we can walk back along the beach. Even if there's a meltdown in between it doesn't matter IMO. I'd see it as him learning that he's not getting what he wants, but it's not the end of the world as there are still other good things he can do - rather than seeing it as rewarding bad behaviour.

@Shellsx Well the tap worked, it shocked him, right? That's why people who are hysterical were slapped to shock them out of it.

You def need to talk to him about his meltdowns and how that caused you to have a meltdown too and you ended up smacking him. He needs to know you feel bad about that and that he needs to be sorty for his behaviour too.

I would strongly suggest getting him some earing aids for autism. They are like magic reducing incoming signals which reduce the anxiety and frustration that result in meltdowns.

Don't beat yourself up, it's not like SS will take a child away from you for using a slap on the bum to shock him out of a meltdown. X

The thread has me wondering too. Are parents of severely disruptive children well advised/supported (as they should be)? Are parents held responsible if one of their other children is seriously injured in a violent melee? The advice to the OP to apologise to her son seems incredible to me. Surely her son should be apologising to his siblings for hurting them?
I just feel incredibly sorry for the entire family. Trying to make these epic challenges your daily 'normal' must be nigh on impossible. I couldn't do it.

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Nope, we are not supported.

My child is autistic and we have had many struggles over the years.

CAMHS, GP, School Nurse, Health Visitor, Dietitian, Paediatrician, SALT, Complex Needs Nurse... all absolutely useless. Not the individuals, but the service they are supposed to be providing, utter garbage.

My child (age 7) barely eats, will not toilet train despite not being incontinent, struggles to communicate... every single service has been a waste of time and absolute shit. All they want to do is send parents on parenting courses instead of provide tailored support for more complex issues.

lol. I live in Scotland. Do people believe that the law change means people have stopped belting their kids in public?

no no. You still see Vicki Pollard smacking bums in home bargains. No one does anything.

OP. I hate smacking. But I cannot get worked up about this. Don’t you dare apologise to him. You do what you need to do to cope in such an extreme situation. You’re a good mum 🍷

Absolutely. Yet you took offence to me using the correct word to describe the behaviour. As my entire reply to you (not just the noncontextual snippet you've selected) illustrated, restricting terminology (in the manner you attempted) helps no one. If the OP were to approach support services for her son and family, the correct terminology (to describe exactly how his disability impacts) would be vital to getting the correct support.

You need to cut yourself some slack here!
You were frazzled beyond belief and no one was really hurt.
If I had seen this (am in scotland) the only thing I'd have wanted to do would be give you a hug and a maybe a wee drink!

It’s also a spectrum and used as an excuse for poor behaviour.

You reacted in the moment. Forgive yourself.

The amount of tech he's been through though... Are you caving too often?

Is your husband normally such a twat and quick to play the blame game? Above everything else he should have your back, not make you feel worse than you already do.

I don’t blame you one bit.

I wouldn’t judge you at all. It sounds incredibly frustrating & I’d find myself resorting to smacking on occasions like that. I’ll go against the grain here & say certain kids who act out of control do need a smack now & again

I wouldn't judge you for this, the whole situation sounds beyond stressful and you reached your limit.

Pour yourself a glass of wine, take a breath and start again tomorrow.

This.
You're human, op. I'm also against smacking. But there is a difference to one smack in 6 years on the bum when you're at your absolute limit and actual repetitive abuse/smacking.
Make sure your son knows it wasn't ok and it's not ok for people to hit / for him to be treated like that. And move on.

I'm putting my hard hat on to say this OP, but...

The law around smacking is there to prevent kids being hit by adults. It's to safeguard small people who are at the mercy of big people walloping them in the name of 'discipline'. As ever, it's a catch all because it's too difficult to create and police anything more nuanced.

BUT actually, in the real world, I don't believe that a tap on the bottom as you described it - once or twice in a lifetime does anyone any harm - so shoot me...

I am not saying it's ok to use smacking as a general punishment, but I don't think you have done any harm and I think you can just let it go.

I really feel for you op. Wouldn't judge you at all. I wish there was much more funding to support families like yours.

Even in Scotland, you'd never be bothered by police about this kind of thing - I'm sure they'd only prosecute people who smack regularly and deliberately, where would be the public interest otherwise?

Give yourself a break but also think how you avoid this in future.

You lost control and that’s not OK - but bloody hell you were dealing with A LOT. In that situation it sounds like you went into fight or flight. Most parents do not have to deal with such extremity.

No one is hurt, so relax. You can think about what you’d do differently next time. Then leave it behind. No one’s going to call the police and if they did nothing would happen.