Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

[Shellsx]

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

Oh OP, I smacked my DC the other day because they chucked their kindle down the stairs when it timed out. Then nicked my nail polish and when confronted in a kind, reasonable manner, got extremely angry and proceeded to go upstairs to their older siblings room and deliberately break a new and fairly expensive pair of sunglasses.

Im definitely not proud of what I did but DC was totally out of control and needed a shock.

There's always one! Back off.

Are you perfect and know exactly how to handle every single situation? Of course you aren't.

@sparkleshin 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Everything @CollagenQueen has said, written much better than I could have, especially this "We have to stop pandering to children all the time, it's not doing them any good"

It was a reflex action not something you would do every time. It happens to most of us.
I did it to my daughter once who has DS and signs of autism.
Like you, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself.
Cut yourself some slack. We're not super human and shit like this happens.

i see nothing wrong at all in what you did.
i am older than most on here and know that is not the fashion now.
i have close friends from africa and asia and they cannot understand this extreme aversion to any smacking at all.
i note that they have very close loving families and they stay close, respecting elders and supporting them closely.
so i don't see an occasional smack, when justified, as the horror that others do.
and it is not illegal in england.
you are dealing with a very difficult situation, i have no suggestions on how to cope with that, but please do not be eaten up with guilt and remorse.
i hope there will be more support and an occasional break from all this for you when term starts.
all the best.

You can absolutely see how this liberal parenting has created kids the way they are today . Parents apologising for smacking an out of control child . Jeez

Don't be too hard on yourself. It was an emotional action in the heat of a stressful moment, and clearly something you regret and don't plan to do again. Everyone makes mistakes, that's just being human.

After an incident like that, once everyone has calmed down, I think you could talk to him about consequences. Not the smacking obvs, but something calm and measured. His choices during the meltdown could cost him some loss of screentime or some similar repercussion. Don't lose sight of his needs to have clear boundaries and consequences in his life whilst you're worried about your own mistake.

You do realise not all children with autism are the same right? and at 6 I'm sure OP is still in the process of learning about autism and the ways it impacts their child. My DS is 13 and I'm still learning how to be a better parent every single day. Even with the best preparation children can be unpredictable whether they have additional needs or not. You come across as very smug for someone who clearly doesn't have a clue what they're talking about. 🙄

No but the OP's child is a child, vulnerable because of it, vulnerable because of their age, and vulnerable because of their additional needs, they have a parent they rely on to keep them safe, there is so much information out there on how to manage an autistic child, the op really has no excuse

👏I know, right? Life has become like the Cosby show.

And do not apologise! In the circumstances, it was entirely warranted. We have to stop pandering to children all the time, it's not doing them any good.

So refreshing to read this. It's high time children learnt that they are not in control and they will do what they are bloody well told.

"Gentle Parenting" and always discussing and reasoning with children is the problem.

The tail is wagging the dog for many these days.

Definitely this. Loving parents don't smack their children for no reason, they just don't. You had a reason, a good one, and your son needed to be stopped from injuring himself and possibly others.

I second what PP above said about wondering why your husband was incapable of restraining his six year old child and I wonder whether he is feeling in any way culpable of his inaction whilst he's looking askance at your actions? Don't apologise to anybody, including him.

There is too much judgement and too much interference from government and people who ought to keep their noses out and mouths shut. Finger wagging whilst wilfully ignoring situations like Baby P and Victoria Climbie when those children were alive and could have been helped, to name just a couple of the many of children who are abused, is just mawkish posturing. Don't join in when you see other parents discipline their children, now that you've been on the side of it yourself.

Just to add, I was smacked often as a child. Spill a drink, whack, say the wrong thing, whack. My SD just hadn't a clue how to parent and his lack of control for his anger was taken out on me.
You, on the other hand, have had a blip in the way you deal with your ds.

I want to give you a hug.

I have two ND sons and this summer one had a meltdown that involved attacking me (kicking, biting and pulling out clumps of my hair) which resulted in me smacking him after 30 mins of said behaviour. It was on the landing at our own home. But the situation was so dire, so out of control and I just did it....not premeditated at all and certainly not a parenting tactic I actively choose to use. I still feel awful about it now but wanted to share because I don't want you to feel you are the only one who hit rock bottom, because you are not.

Hugs x

@Shellsx massive hug. I'm so sad for you and really hope you give yourself a break.
I just want to say I understand. I hate smacking too but that overwhelmed feeling is just so hard to not react too!

My ASD DS has behaved exactly how you've described and I understand completely.
I say this constantly on here but my jobs have always been working with challenging behaviour as a support worker or carer, so I had almost 20 years experience dealing with community incidents I'd be too anxious to have even attempted to take out my DC, even with my DP.
Tbh even with years experience of incidents as a job and being a mum is completely different kettle of fish.
Say if my client ran into the road vs my son, I'd not have that adrenaline and fear where I'd not know if I wanted to hug DS or have a breakdown and slap his chops.
(Natrually I'd be worried sick, just not same as I would about my DC)

Cut yourself some slack here, this isn't a temper situation and your DC is fine now.
You sound a lovely mum who'd just navigated a potentially awful incident. X

Completely agree with this. Children should be scared of a parents reaction, if they are naughty. That's how we were raised. There's nothing wrong with that.

Once kids are sleeping, pour yourself a glass of something, and chill.
it’s a learning experience and you won’t be so quick to judge others in the future.

I am in Scotland, when mine are being wee shits, I put them in the car where we all have a bit of space and are restrained. They ask where are we going, I say, over the border so I can tan yer arse legally!

I drive till I’m calmer then we return home.

Another one here to add to other’s posts about giving yourself some slack. It was an awful situation, with hindsight you may well have reacted differently, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Give over. A parent using brief physical punishment in an extreme scenario is not assault and you're being very unhelpful to the OP who already feels bad enough.

I’d say you did the right thing, snapped him out of the moment. The injuries if he’d smashed into glass do t bear thinking about, it would have been horrific.

I hope you’re all ok— your toddler wasn’t hurt in the buggy flip?

roarrfeckingroar · Today 17:26

You assaulted your disabled child. Of course it's not ok.

aye right! Jog on pal!

I think you did what you needed to do at the time and saved injuries and monies.

Sounds like you were pushed to the absolute limit which most people won't experience. You would have had adrenaline pumping and would have gone into fight or flight mode

Exactly that. I'm glad you've had such supportive responses on this thread. I feared for you initially. As a retired teacher of children like your son, I know exactly the sort of behaviour you're having to deal with. I was fortunate to only have to manage those behaviours from 9:00 to 3:15 and with three or four TAs to take the pressure off. When one of us was starting to struggle, or was being hurt, someone else would always step in so that none of us reached that point. But I felt so much for the parents of our kids.

Please forgive yourself. Your boy was even wearing a nappy, so was probably oblivious.