Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

[Shellsx]

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

They weren’t all hidden away! 😂

I’m going to be that person and suggest YOU educate yourself!!

Autistic children (excusing severally autistic and disabled) aren’t immune to discipline.
When did people forget this?!

The police won’t pander to his behaviour when he’s an adult. He’s being set up to fail in life.

You can’t ‘be kind’ to assault and wanton damage.

No one would blame you for doing what you did in the circumstances.
It must be incredibly difficult.

Giving in and buying toys{Or whatever} to 'Prevent' a massive meltdown will only create more massive meltdowns.

Well done for standing firm.

You sound like you are doing an incredible job as a mum. Don't beat yourself up, we have all been there x

Please give yourself a break. Had I seen, I 100% would not have judged.

I had a truly horrible day parenting in the extreme heat today and don’t even have neurodiverse children to contend with. All the kids in our local park were vile today (mine especially!) and it’s harder when everyone’s hot and uncomfortable. You’re doing a wonderful job and I hope you can treat yourself to something nice when you get home. 💐

It's disgraceful. And it comes down to money. It seems to me that the awful children's institutions referenced in the thread weren't even closed with welfare at the forefront of the minds of the powers that be, it was the costs involved in running them that prompted their closure. And the pitiful service offered to children and adolescents (and their families) ceases completely when they reach adulthood!

As an aside/observation, I spent some of my career working in the Adult Learning Disability Service, and lots of our older clients were utterly bereft to have been 'thrown' into the community and left to their fate. They were habitually housed in run down areas, lived in their tiny homes alone, often in significant fear, with no support. Services have actually started moving back to the community model, because lots (most, in my experience) were much happier in that environment (I have no knowledge of historic children's establishments, but for adults with a learning disability there WERE good establishments, indeed some of them VERY good).

I'm usually against smacking, but you need to forgive yourself. Your child won't remember it so you are beating yourself up about nothing.
Your life must be difficult enough already without carrying this guilt 💐

When you witness your child heading into a perceived dangerous situation, it’s natural instinct to stop it there and then by whatever means and as quickly as possible. There are times when you simply do not have time, for your brain to calculate the implications of such actions. your adrenaline kicks in and your number one priority is to stop this dangerous and potentially in some cases fatal behaviour.
OP you saw the hazard and you had to stop your child immediately it’s a split second decision, there’s your shock point.
After the incident then the reasoning/guilt kicks in and you hit a very low point physically, and mentally when reasoning and guilt take over as the chemicals start to settle.
You need a sweet drink at least one and I’m advising you more, to flush your system and at least an hour of just trying not to focus on the situation that just occurred.
Please do not beat yourself up, you are human and as a mother you acted accordingly. Yes it went against the grain and your beliefs but you were in crisis and acted accordingly.
Be kind to yourself, if you hadn’t have acted as you did, the consequences could have been catastrophic.

@saraclara

But the result of this change that you applaud is that for each such autistic child like OP's, a number of other people are often, repeatedly, violently hit with no end in sight: the mother and siblings, always.

I teach in a special needs school and although very rewarding it is such a difficult job. The looks and staring are something I find the hardest because I know and care for the child who is distressed. I know they are struggling in that moment (not a spoilt brat or whatever thought causes them to stare in disgust) but I also know they are loving, funny and amazing in a different snapshot of time. Please stop being hard on yourself you made a mistake. End of. Your ds is fine now, he’s loved and he will have moved on. You are doing an amazing job navigating life in a very different way than you probably expected to be. Be kind to yourself, enjoy the good moments and don’t take the not so good ones to heart.

I don't think you did anything wrong either.

I also don't think you need to apologise.

Must have misunderstood you, sorry. Brain's melted.

DFOD

So, you see a kid misbehaving in public, how can you tell whether they're severely disabled or just have a touch of Autism? 😆

What a shitty comment! 😡

Completely the wrong thread more such a judgemental comment 🙄

Also, how do you 'discipline' a meltdown?

Its not important though for random strangers/passers by to know the extent of the disability? Not important at all. Its for the parent/carer to know, and to know (feel confident/assured/informed/supported) how best to respond.
Surely the prejudiced position is the one whereupon you consider every person diagnosed ASD as the 'same' (and incapable of making positive change to their responses/behaviours)?

Dont get yourself upset about it, you didnt beat him. I was smacked all the time, it didnt affect me in the slightest.

Give yourself a break OP - please! And if you want to access some support for your DS's siblings, visit www.sibs.org.uk. The charity for brothers and sisters of disabled children and adults. X

Op I've been there too... NT child but he was hurting his young sibling and the smack away was just instinctual. I think lots of parents have a similar experience... try not to worry.

Give yourself a break OP, it was momentary,, potentially dangerous for him and everyone in the shop and your son barely noticed.

To others on the thread I have autism and meltdown is completely different to bad behaviour. I don’t know which this fell into. However others saying it worked I presume OP caught hold of her son because she said he barely registered the smack so it couldn’t have been that that caught his attention or stopped him.

OP I agree with everyone saying give yourself a break, it was a perfectly natural/understandable reaction and the fact it wasn't the best reaction - just forget it. It doesn't matter. Children can push you to your absolute limit at times and the situation you handled today was absolutely beyond stressful.

To the people replying saying well done OP did the right thing/she should smack more/should have smacked earlier/children should be disciplined more/insinuating that the behaviour of the child was caused somehow by lax parenting - you do not understand autism, you do not understand meltdown, your advice is utterly wrong and misguided.

The reality is that whether or not it shocked him out of the behaviour in the moment (I agree this might have happened, but probably not a great strategy to use on purpose) it is extremely unlikely to prevent the same behaviour again in the future; you may as well suggest smacking a child to "shock" them out of an asthma attack or a seizure, it is just as inappropriate. When they are in total meltdown to the extent the OP describes, you could beat them black and blue and it would not make an impression because they are not in control of their own actions at that point; they are in pure fight or flight; they cannot reason, they cannot understand danger or threat (hence why he was about to smash glass all over the place, which would have hurt him a lot more than a smack, which when he is in a reasonable state of mind, he probably knows).

OP have you read this? I am reading it now, and think it is one of the most useful things I have ever read. The title makes it sound like some useless gimmicky self-help thing but it's actually really helpful in understanding dysregulation, how it happens, how to notice it, how to help prevent it building up and then what to do when it spills over anyway.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Child-Deal-Stress-ebook/dp/B016IOF84O/

Back when my Mum was bringing up my brother there was zero help too. She desperately tried to find help but there was none, every door was closed. Understanding back then was limited too and to anyone outside of the situation my brother’s behaviour looked like deliberate naughtiness. I loved my brother despite his meltdowns and because I knew he wasn’t a bad child, that he truly struggled with his emotions, mental states and impulses. And he taught me so much - he had a wonderful, unique way of seeing the world. But it’s awful to learn that today, despite the fact that there may be more understanding of these disabilities, parents still have to struggle to get the help they need. 😞

The police wouldn't be called. I'm pretty sure everyone who witnessed it was shocked.

Cut yourself some slack. You're human. Once my friend smacked her daughter because she tried to run across the road.

It happens just cut yourself some slack

There’s very few of us that haven’t made mistakes in our parenting or reacted in ways that we regret. It’s sounds like a very stressful situation. As others have said cut yourself some slack, calm yourself, apologise and put it down to experience.

How is your brother now? Did things improve for him or does he need the support of services as an adult?