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Original poster

Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

216 replies

Shellsx · 07/09/2023 15:37

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 07/09/2023 16:52

Strawberryshitcake · 07/09/2023 16:21

I opened this having judged you already, but reading your op changed my mind. I am completely against smacking but I think these were extremely challenging circumstances and it wasn’t done as a punishment.

I completely agree with this statement.
Don't criticise yourself any more.
If you weren't the concious, loving parent you are it might be different.

Lachimolala · 07/09/2023 16:53

Like others have said I think you need to cut yourself some slack, it’s not like it’s a normal occurrence for you. Sounds like you were pushed beyond all normal reasoning, what you described sounds just awful and something I wouldn’t be able to handle with any semblance of grace.

Like pp have mentioned I wouldn’t be apologising to him either.

Startyabastard · 07/09/2023 16:53

His bottom was padded as well which made it better.

LunchBoxPolice · 07/09/2023 16:54

Go easy on yourself op. I have a child with adhd & autism and there are times where I just have to walk away from him because I’m so frustrated. But in a situation like yours, he was a danger to himself and I’m not surprised you reacted in the way that you did. He could have seriously hurt himself on the glass.
I hope tomorrow is better for you all.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 07/09/2023 16:55

I grew up with an older sibling with adhd and your description of your holiday brought back some pretty traumatic memories, OP. I used to dread going anywhere or on any outing. I saw how my parents struggled to cope. Please cut yourself some slack. 💐

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 07/09/2023 16:58

It’s not illegal to smack in England as long as it’s a reasonable punishment. The circumstances you describe are extremely stressful. I feel for you and your family OP. Personally I wouldn’t apologise to him.
if I had witnessed this situation my sympathy would be with you. It wasn’t abusive and there is a huge gap between this sort of incident and one where an adult uses their physical advantage to hurt a child in an abusive unnecessary way.
I don’t think you’ve done anything terrible.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/09/2023 17:00

Even if they had called the Police, it would have been preferable to having to call an ambulance because he was bleeding out from barrelling in a glass cabinet full of more glass.

Holding his hands isn't working if he's big enough now to break free from his father (or if he wasn't really doing much to actually make a difference). It may be possible for you to both access training in how to protect DS, his vulnerable younger siblings, yourselves and anybody else appropriately and safely for all concerned.

You need to learn the appropriate techniques sooner, rather than later - as it's going to be a completely different outcome when he's over five foot tall, never mind as a potential six foot male with the same reactions.

AInightingale · 07/09/2023 17:00

OP - my own rule was, a smack on the rear was fine, if someone is put in danger by their actions, or the child themselves is. Upending a pram and running towards plate glass is most definitely in that territory. You life sounds hard enough, please don't be so brutal on yourself. Of course no-one would call the police, and even if they did there would be no action, I'm sure - you were trying to avert a bad accident. We're not that much of a hellish dystopia. Yet.

StillWantingADog · 07/09/2023 17:00

I wouldn't have judged you in this scenario at all. I would have really felt for you if I'd witnessed this.
Don't give it more thought, and def do not worry about the police turning up.

I was def occasionally smacked as a child, and I don't think it did me any harm at all.

itsmyp4rty · 07/09/2023 17:01

Jesus I'm completely against smacking but I really don't think you should beat yourself up at that.

You know your child. You knew what he was going to do, you managed to prevent him from potentially seriously hurting himself on a glass cabinet and causing a huge amount of damage.

Explain to your son that yesterday when he lost control you ended up losing control too and smacked him and it wasn't ok for you to do that. Perhaps you could even discuss what you could both do differently next time if that might work for him.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 07/09/2023 17:03

Oh I think don't apologise, don't explain. I smacked eldest DD out of Sheer frustration. Not my finest moment but we are all human and no doubt even your patience has a limit.

Starwarslover · 07/09/2023 17:04

Please cut yourself some slack. You did what you had to do to get your son to stop in what could have been a much more dangerous situation for him if he’d run into glass ornaments. If I’d seen you I would not have judged you, I would be amazed at the patience and resilience it must take to manage the everyday. I think you’re doing a brilliant job.

regularbutpanickingabit · 07/09/2023 17:07

I hope you're ok, Op. You are clearly having a really rough time.
It is extremely refreshing when the nest of vipers is on your side and to see the number of supportive and understanding messages today will hopefully give you some comfort.
Take care of yourself.

CollagenQueen · 07/09/2023 17:09

Well, if I had witnessed that scene, I would have thought "thank goodness - a parent is actually parenting for a change". Well done.

And do not apologise! In the circumstances, it was entirely warranted. We have to stop pandering to children all the time, it's not doing them any good.

Taking away a parents right to smack a child, when they are naughty or doing something dangerous, is utterly preposterous, in my opinion. And I live in Scotland.

If you watch animals, they all deliver light punishment when their offspring are naughty. It never causes real harm, just a short sharp shock, to indicate that they must stop.

goldfootball · 07/09/2023 17:11

i work in a school where I am trained to hold in situations like that - I really think it could be good for you and your husband to have some restraint training. It’s not as scary/aggressive as it sounds and is focused around deescalation. It’s a good thing to be Able to do to keep people safe, including your son.

I really would not judge the smacking on that situation, it’s as much a stress reflex as anything.

MoxieFox · 07/09/2023 17:12

Since you said he didn’t even notice the smack through the padding of the nappy, I’d not even admit it happened to him or apologise for it.

I am against all smacking like you OP, so it’s a lucky escape that the one time you lost it no harm was done.

But it’s a warning that it’s time to learn new ways to avoid the meltdowns or to nip them in the bud. I hope you can find a support group? Or maybe the SN pages here can help with tactics for older children?

UnctuousUnicorns · 07/09/2023 17:12

Truthfully, OP, most people seeing this would just be thinking, "There but for the grace of God and all that." Only a dick would judge you.

CollagenQueen · 07/09/2023 17:14

Perhaps you could even discuss what you could both do differently next time if that might work for him

He's 6! When did parents stop being in charge?

sparkleshin · 07/09/2023 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SeulementUneFois · 07/09/2023 17:17

gamerchick · 07/09/2023 15:52

Did it work?

Sometimes we have to do what we dont usually do to prevent a massive incident. Stop being so hard on yourself OP.

This OP.

HelpMeGetThrough · 07/09/2023 17:18

Seriously OP don't beat yourself up. Park it and for me park any apology that other posters have mentioned.

It happened, move on.

Barbiesback · 07/09/2023 17:18

Well you have 3 kids and it sounds like it was getting dangerous. The thought of you not acting quickly! Is a lot worse OP.

runrabbit77 · 07/09/2023 17:19

CollagenQueen · 07/09/2023 17:14

Perhaps you could even discuss what you could both do differently next time if that might work for him

He's 6! When did parents stop being in charge?

She cant be in charge of his emotional reaction.

hattie43 · 07/09/2023 17:19

For goodness sake you've not killed him have some perspective. The kid sounds a nightmare and would stretch most people's tolerance but in this case you reacted to get his attention because of the fear he could really hurt himself or others flying into China / display cabinets .

Holly60 · 07/09/2023 17:19

Oh my love. Give yourself a massive hug and make yourself a cup of tea with sugar in it.

If I'd seen this I would be so far from calling the police. It would have been so obvious how far he had pushed you and all I'd really want to do would be give you a hug.

Parenting is so so hard.

You smacked him on the clothed bottom, you didn't punch him in the face.

You will be fine. Deep breath and try to have a nice day tomorrow