Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

[Shellsx]

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

I forgot to answer about DS2 in the buggy. Other than being startled when it happened he's absolutely fine thankfully. I had some shopping bags attached to the pram handle which had clothes in so they cushioned the impact when it hit the floor.

Well, they did, they just weren't seen in public. I'm gonna be that person and suggest that you educate yourself.

I am totally anti-smacking but I think you need to cut yourself some slack on this one. Be kind to yourself.

@Shellsx what calmed him down in the end? Was be able to communicate much afterwards about what had upset him.

The thread has me wondering too. Are parents of severely disruptive children well advised/supported (as they should be)? Are parents held responsible if one of their other children is seriously injured in a violent melee? The advice to the OP to apologise to her son seems incredible to me. Surely her son should be apologising to his siblings for hurting them?
I just feel incredibly sorry for the entire family. Trying to make these epic challenges your daily 'normal' must be nigh on impossible. I couldn't do it.

All of this.

I think OP did absolutely the right thing. Yes he's an autistic and six. But someday he'll be autistic and 19 and it he does something like this then he could be arrested. I'd much rather correct at 6.

The thread has me wondering too. Are parents of severely disruptive children well advised/supported (as they should be)? Are parents held responsible if one of their other children is seriously injured in a violent melee? The advice to the OP to apologise to her son seems incredible to me. Surely her son should be apologising to his siblings for hurting them?
I just feel incredibly sorry for the entire family. Trying to make these epic challenges your daily 'normal' must be nigh on impossible. I couldn't do it.

A. No, parents of 'disruptive' (I think you actually meant severely disabled, right?) are pretty much left to it.

B. I couldn't do it. you'd have to, no choice. Anyone could find themselves a carer. Unforseen circumstances, etc.

Of course they're not 'supported' - who exactly do you think is doing the supporting???

Hence our op losing it for once and tapping him on the backside.

You couldn't do it? So who will? And bear in mind, it's mostly women who bear the brunt, as the men walk away.

I must say , I often think mumsnet is the wrong place to discuss anything relating to an autistic child's behaviour. I swear some people can't wrap their heads around the fact that Autism is a disability.

.

That’s annoying re the restraint training! Maybe it’s because the legal obligations aren’t the same so parents are just expected to work it out.

I found this but have no intel about it it was just a google search.

https://www.positivehandling.co.uk/de-escalation-interventions-for-parents-fostering-adoption/

Distraction and incentive, DH suggesting we walk back to the hotel via the beach and asked DS if he'd like that. The idea appealed to him and so he calmed down.

Unfortunately something like that only works if he's already starting to simmer down naturally (or if he gets his own way - which i admit, we have caved to in the past)

It also makes me feel a bit pathetic and as though we are somehow rewarding poor behaviour because I'm sure most people would be thinking "like hell I would be taking him to the beach after that" but in the moment DH would have done most things, bar parting with £70 for the toy, for DS to calm down.

That behaviour would have gotten a smacked bum long before then from me. Is your other child OK after having his head bashed off the ground? I wouldn't berate yourself, a lot of parents would have given a smacked bum/hand long before you did and I doubt anyone would judge you. I also wouldn't be apologising to him.

Sorry this post was in response to PP who asked what calmed DS down.

'In my day' people wouldn't have known that they existed, because they were put in residential facilities. I visited one of those places in the late 60s. It was called a juvenile mental hospital.

I wasn't there as a patient, but it horrified my 14 year old self. I recognised those same behaviours when I began teaching in a special school for severe and complex learning difficulties. The difference was that in the intervening time, we started to understood what autism is, and cared for and supported those children. In the 'mental hospital' in the 60s, they were left to rock in a corner and eat their own excrement.

If you saw autistic children 'back in your day' they were the much more mildly affected (in behavioural terms) than OP is describing.
Thank goodness we live in more enlightened times.

You should be able to get Non-Violent Resistance Training through CAMHS or by making a request via Early Help at your LA. You can book a 2-hour online introduction yourself on the website - For Parents/carers (nvrpc.org.uk).

I wish the best of luck in trying to find a solution to redirecting and defusing these situations now, or it is only going to get more difficult. It may also help to set expectations for the trip before you leave the house - we are only buying food in the shops today - etc, or literally having a list and saying we are only buying what is on the list and involve them in ticking that off. I know that's not a perfect solution and it won't always be successful, but if you both stand firm and not give in to their requests for treats it may reduce the asking.

Absolutely, when your kid is distressed to the point of meltdown, you'll do anything within reason to make them better. Unfortunately meltdowns are pretty distressing for parents/carers too. There is no magic solution!

Gosh, please give yourself a break. All of mine are NT, so I had far less reason than you for losing it, but I had 3 under 4 1/2 and one day, I just royally lost it.

My youngest (must have been 1 at the time) had been a little sod all day and I was doing the school run with the 3 of them. When trying and failing to get her into her car seat (straight body....not bending once inch), she slapped me, really hard around the face and I slapped her back, not hard, but around the face. She was shocked and cried and of course I felt utterly terrible. DC3 is the wisest owl I know now (she's 18), and is mildly entertained at the thought that she caused quite so much consternation that resulted in a slap and then the extreme guilt shared with husband later that day.

I blame it on the 27 car seat buckling sessions that I had to do, day in, day out and swear it had an impact on my back (hence the username!)

Be kind to yourself OP and I hope that things improve. x

please try and forgive yourself, I read your description of what happened and tried to imagine what on earth I would have done in the situation and I could not even go there in my head. It sounds as if you have been pushed beyond endurance and we all have a breaking point. You will not have been able to have any sort of true holiday and must feel that you are hypervigilant all the time with no emotional and physical respite so that you can destress. You sound like the most wonderful and loving parent.

Sounds like you could do with a disability buggy for him, a handstrap/harness or both. We had one for my youngest who has autism at that age and it made life a lot easier. Although we had have to watch for him kicking people at times when he was in it. It's like having an overgrown toddler and they are incredibly strong, I'm not surprised that your husband couldn't keep hold of him.

Exactly. Children were put into institutions and were never seen in public.

No, I didn't mean that. And no parent should be 'left to it' in the face of such incredible challenge. That the OP is feeling consuming shame for reaching her limit suggests that, as a society, we're seriously failing parents AND the child. Perhaps getting caught up on the euphemism treadmill is a significant part of the issue? Severely disabled doesn't indicate capability/inability. Nor is it remotely indicative of the challenge the OP faced today (and, it would appear, every day).

Huge hugs, OP. I’ve been in very similar situations with DD and it’s awful. I smacked DD on the arm once when she bit me. It was a reflex reaction but I was really shocked by myself. DD didn’t even notice - she was completely focused on getting at the dangerous thing I couldn’t let her have.

ND or not, I would have smacked my child too. Totally unacceptable behaviour from him and I bet most people who witnessed it quietly congratulated you. PC parenting is overrated.