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Original poster

Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

216 replies

Shellsx · 07/09/2023 15:37

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 07/09/2023 16:25

Honestly? Cut yourself some slack.

I'm generally against smacking but you were placed in an extreme situation. You were pushed way beyond any reasonable limits with no sign of it abating and you had to stop it somehow.

I challenge anyone to say that they wouldn't have reached breaking point when faced with your situation.

I wouldn't apologise to him. I'd be impressing very strongly on him why that behaviour is unacceptable and will never be accepted. FFS, he even tipped up the pram with your baby in it. Think how lucky you are that that didn't result in an extremely serious injury.

No apology needed.

NuffSaidSam · 07/09/2023 16:26

I'd give yourself a break. It wasn't ideal, obviously. But then a six year old covered in smashed glass is even less ideal.

And learn a lesson about judgment. Stop judging other people. Stop worrying that other people are judging you.

Mariposista · 07/09/2023 16:28

OP please stop torturing yourself. Not the best, but I challenge anyone not to be severely provoked by such awful behaviour. You hardly lamped him round the head. It was a short sharp shock and you didn't hurt him - he could have hurt your baby and himself if he had hit the counter, and caused a lot of expensive damage. He is now getting too big for you to manhandle - you have to do what you have to do to keep him and other people safe!

Livinginanotherworld · 07/09/2023 16:29

I honestly wouldn’t be judging you badly for this, it’s sounds terribly hard to deal with. Give yourself a break.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/09/2023 16:30

What was the alternative, he hurls himself at a load of glass and hurts himself and maybe others? Cut yourself a LOT of slack and move on.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 07/09/2023 16:30

I defy anyone here to claim they would have coped any better... Forgive yourself op.

Sureaseggs44 · 07/09/2023 16:31

I was smacked as a child but only in very serious situations and tbh although I remember it it did not change how much I loved my parents . I only remember smacking my daughter once and that was when she was getting herself into a very dangerous position and just would not listen . I was stopping her electrocuting herself and instinct just kicked in . She also does not hold it against me . To be honest I don’t know how as a family you manage . So respect and we’ll done for realising you did wrong and hopefully you will move on from this all .

EL8888 · 07/09/2023 16:34

I wouldn’t be apologising to him or buying a new Amazon fire stick anytime soon (if ever). He needs to learn he can’t go on the rampage every time he is told no -not sure how to achieve that obviously. But actions have consequences

runrabbit77 · 07/09/2023 16:34

Reading PP I retract my statement about apologising as well. You had to stop him hurting himself and others. I honestly have no idea if I could have done any different.

BeryltheBeret · 07/09/2023 16:34

I also think you reacted in a way that would get your child to stop/pause so you get some control to stop what could have been a disaster of breakages/injuries. There's no real time to put a plan into action, it's an immediate response. So don't dwell on hindsight.

I have a DS who is autistic/ADHD and the physical power he has when in meltdown mode is incredulous.

No decent parent wants to smack their child but in these circumstances I'd give yourself some slack and be kind to yourself be ause it's so upsetting seeing your lovely child act like this.

CoQ10 · 07/09/2023 16:35

All of the.above. You've done nothing wrong.

Also what else were you meant to do in the heat of the moment? Have a reasoned 121 with him?!

MoxieFox · 07/09/2023 16:36

It was a mistake made in a very stressful and challenging meltdown. No one can be the perfect mum or dad. It’s a good thing he didn’t even register the smack. You won’t do it again, as you know they do not work. So I’d put it behind you and move on.

It might be a good idea to consider a new holiday for next year. He is older and you can’t physically control him anymore. So you and DH are going to need to start proactively avoiding the things that trigger meltdowns and finding ways to say no that don’t set him off.

Turtlegurl888 · 07/09/2023 16:39

runrabbit77 · 07/09/2023 16:34

Reading PP I retract my statement about apologising as well. You had to stop him hurting himself and others. I honestly have no idea if I could have done any different.

I also said to apologise and on reading pp agree with you. Probably an explanation as to why/what happened and why he can never behave that way again would be better than an apology.

CarolFromBarol · 07/09/2023 16:39

Stop being so hard on yourself OP. It was an extremely stressful situation, nobody was harmed and actually harm was averted. It could have been a shower of broken glass. You reacted, you are human.

Also does everyone think everyone in Scotland would call 999 for this? We don't. Only on MN have I ever heard this.

blackpear · 07/09/2023 16:39

Oh God, any one of us could have reacted like that with less provocation - I certainly could anyway. Forgive yourself, OP. You’ve been under so much pressure. Your wee boy will be fine.

coxesorangepippin · 07/09/2023 16:42

I don't think you did the wrong thing.

Hopefully he'll be shocked into behaving a bit more

Sausage1989 · 07/09/2023 16:43

Nobody would call the police and even if they did the police wouldn't come out!

And stop buying your son anything if he keeps acting like this.

coxesorangepippin · 07/09/2023 16:44

He has smashed yet another amazon fire tablet (he's onto the double digits now

^

Fool me once, shame on me etc.

No more fire tablets op!!!!

hiredandsqueak · 07/09/2023 16:45

Feel every empathy with you, we had some dreadful times on holiday when ds was younger despite doing the same place and doing the same place every year. The year ds was the same age as yours I abandoned the holiday and came home with him leaving his siblings and father there as it was a nightmare. From then for quite a few years we did a short break with ds and exh would go away for a proper holiday with the others for a break. Forgive yourself you saved him getting badly hurt. FWIW ds has been a joy since he got to about twelve and we were able to take family holidays again and later on we even got to go to different places.

Poppyblush · 07/09/2023 16:47

I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself. He could have seriously hurt himself if he made contact with a glass display. He had a nappy on so reduced impact. Give yourself some slack.

CatkinToadflax · 07/09/2023 16:47

Oh OP I was in the same situation as you 10 years ago. I’m sending you a huge hug. Flowers

Mrburnshound · 07/09/2023 16:48

Dont feel bad OP. It was an extreme situation and it was one smack on the bum over a nappy. Dont give it another thought x

XMissPlacedX · 07/09/2023 16:49

I don't think you did anything wrong. I may get flamed for this but I smacked my dc ( when they were at an age which was to young for reasoning) if they did any of the following:

Were about to cause injury to themselves (running into a road )
Caused injury to another
(Pushed dc 2 down the stairs)
Broke something on purpose
(Smashed a tablet on the worktop purposely)

I stuck to those rules and had them as a child, didn't do me any harm.

Now they are older I obviously use a different method of, no TV after school, No phones or grounded etc ...

Don't beat yourself up OP

UnctuousUnicorns · 07/09/2023 16:51

DivingForLove · 07/09/2023 16:01

@Desecratedcoconut your last paragraph is incredibly unhelpful. If you’ve ever tried to restrain an autistic child in full meltdown I think you’d understand that.

OP, please cut yourself a whole lot of slack. That sounds horrendous and it’s not just a one off it’s again and again and again.

I hope you and dh have some time to try and debrief and talk. Big hugs x

I honestly think you've misread DC's post. They were sympathising with the OP, and wondering if her DH was feeling as bad as she is over letting their DS get away from him, which is something that could happen to anyone, whether their child has autism or not.

nopuppiesallowed · 07/09/2023 16:51

HelloBridesmaidLiketheBeard · 07/09/2023 16:03

I'm not against the occasional smack where necessary, and I think this was justified.

On occasions, a light quick smack is definitely justified. Discussing his behaviour with him wasn't an option. 'I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time, you will have a smack' wasn't an option. Dont lose sleep over this. You did exactly the right thing.