Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

[Shellsx]

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

The problem with physical punishment is it doesn’t work and just damages the relationship. I would have judged you if I’d seen it but I think you would judge me if you saw my worst moments in parenting too.
Don’t beat yourself up over it but make sure it doesn’t happen again.

OP - that was a very challenging situation and you found your own limits. As PPs have said, none of us parent perfectly.

You pose a really good question in terms of moving on from this. You now know that things need adjusting so that you are able to remain better regulated when faced with very challenging behaviour. Only you will know if that means more psychoeducation to help unpick triggers and experiment with different strategies, or more self care/respite for you to help remain within your tolerances, or therapeutic input to help you cope with the extreme parenting challenges you are facing, or adjustments to the environment and the situations you place yourselves in as a family. Unlike NT parenting, the social situations a ND child can cope with can reduce with age, so family life may need a bit of remodelling to reduce stress?

Good luck going forward - I know this is terribly hard.

Well, it is important if they've decided the parents are using the autism as an excuse...

@AllOfThemWitches I know what you are saying but you dont know OP it doesnt sound like she is lax to me. I think based on this case what you're saying ... doesn't apply to OP.

I think you may have misunderstood me. I don't think OP sounds lax and I don't think a complete stranger can judge whether someone else's child has 'mild' or severe Autism based on a snapshot.

And have to deal with abelist nonsense of randoms on the internet judging their parenting, or advocating that vulnerable disabled children deserve to be hit.

There's a fair amount of research evidence that this sort criticism is more damaging to the health of parents of disabled children, than dealing with the disability itself, as it causes stigma and social isolation.

There's a big difference between someone who does something once in an extreme situation and then regrets it and resolves not to repeat and people who think hitting is a great discipline method op. Forgive yourself. He wasn't hurt through his nappy.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it nor should you apologise, your son needs to realise he can't create havoc when he hears the word no. My ds is autistic and he also disliked the word no, there were so many meltdowns, it's bloody tough being a parent to a child with asd

I've received some good advice from this thread and will definitely be looking at the links and resources suggested. Thank you for not lynching me but also taking the time to reply with kindness and advice. It does help to know we're not alone in terms of how extreme DS behaviour can be because in the moment it does feel that way.

We've had a much better evening than afternoon and managed to watch a show which DS sat beautifully throughout and really enjoyed. We're headed back home tomorrow and to be honest I'm relieved, PP had it right that it hasn't been a break for us at all and I've spent the entire time on high alert.

I think being back in his school routine will do wonders for all of us.

I don’t need to be able to tell - I’m not the parent and the one disciplining them 🤣

OK so why do you even have an opinion when you acknowledge you have no fucking idea what you're on about?

"there is so much information out there on how to manage an autistic child, "

sparkleshin do bugger off. Where is this amazing manual on how to 'manage' 'an autistic child' and does it work for all autistic children and where do we as parents get support for all the impossibly hard parenting decisions and acts we have to make each day?

I have no idea what your experience of parenting autistic children is. But do you want a go? My 13 yo is severely autistic with LDs (so no impulse control, no concept of staying safe, very little ability to be reasoned with and none whatsoever in the throes of a meltdown or single-minded obsessive compulsion). DH and I are run fucking ragged and we are not always angels. On occasion and in extremis we shout, I smack. Call the police on us, I really don't care. But please, do take him for a few hours. And then you might understand what a different planet some of us live on. We love him dearly but his condition will probably do for us.

THE AUTISM DISCUSSION PAGE BOOK IS GOOD. SO ARE MANY OTHER MANUALS

LOL at manuals. You clearly have no clue.

sparkleshin please don't shout at me.

You really do seem clueless and I can only conclude that you're on this thread to bait parents of autistic kids who are already struggling. Nice job.