Smacked DS in public today, I'm so ashamed

[Shellsx]

On a UK break with DH and our 3 DC one of which (age 6) has autism and ADHD. The 6 weeks holidays have been sheer unrelenting hell.

We have the same holiday every year and do everything in the same order. He loves coming here and in general he copes well but just like at home, not every incident or meltdown can be preempted.

Today he saw a toy in a shop window that he wanted but it was completely out of budget so the answer was no. Well that was it, he was off.

He attacked us all. Me, DH, DD (4). He flipped the buggy onto its back with sleeping DS2 (22 months) in. DS2 starts screaming. DS2 is spitting, clawing, kicking and trying to do damage to everyone within reach, screaming that he wants the toy now. It was a total scene and so humiliating. People were staring.

It all came to a head when he managed to get away from DH who was by then holding his hands to keep him close and somewhat contained. He made a beeline for a shop selling ornaments and other breakables that I'd been into shortly before this all kicked off. He was charging straight at the display cabinet containing glassware. If he'd made contact the whole lot would have broken. Hundreds of pounds worth, at a guess.

I knew what he was aiming to do as it's exactly what he does at home and school, he charges and throws himself into things to break them.

Fortunately I managed to intercept him just before he reached the display but I'm so ashamed to admit I smacked him on the behind. I've never done it before. It was almost like a reflex which I automatically regretted. The shame is on another level.

He wasn't hurt, he was wearing a nappy, pants and jeans, but that's not the point is it?

DH was gobsmacked as it goes completely against how we parent. He ushered us down the street quickly, insisting that they may well call the police. No idea if they saw what happened as there were other displays blocking the view from the tills. They would have definitely heard him running into the shop screaming and me struggling to get him out of the shop.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. I've made such a monumental fuck up and I'm not sure how to put it right 😔

I'm usually the parent who judges others for hitting their kids and now I'm the same, actually worse, as mine has autism.

How on earth do you come back from this?

NC for obvious reasons.

It was a smack, over a nappy and short wearing bum. Hardly an assault.

I’m surprised you expected different answers to be honest, the whole op is a justification of why you hit him, of course folks will then say it’s ok. There is no other answer.

It's fine, have a glass of wine and don't worry. My children, now adults, say the smacks they had as children (not that they had many) did them good and were justified. I realise it's not fashionable these days but in the situation you describe its perfectly understandable. We all loose our head occasionally for a moment. No harm done. Move on.

I don’t think any reasonable person could read that and not feel for you Op. What you’re dealing with would push anyone to their limits and the fact you feel how you do now about it shows what a caring mum you are. Have a good cry and then forgive yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Now and always. You are allowed to be human.

It was a one off reflex action OP, and as crazy as it sounds, probably done more out of relief that you stopped him from reaching the cabinet, than anything else. Please give yourself a break, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t change how great of a mum you are, or how much your son loves you.

Definitely wouldn’t be apologising, especially when he could have seriously injured his sibling or worse. Actions have consequences and you were at the end of your tether. A lot of parents would have done exactly the same, whatever their views on smacking because we are all human. You really haven’t done anything wrong and you said yourself your ds hardly noticed. I’m sorry your summer has been shite.

Parenting can be very difficult and we've all make mistakes. I think you need to stop beating yourself up. You feel bad, which is the right response, and I don't think for a minute your boy suffered any real harm.

Like most of us I am against hitting children but that is mainly because I came from a generation and culture where children (usually boys not girls) were caned, blood was often drawn and the distinctive tramline bruising would usually last for 10 days or more. If I had grown up in a world where an out of control child had once been hit on a nappy protected bottom I suspect I would have had different views.

This 100%.

OP, you're being way too hard on yourself. You're human. It was one spank, he'll be fine. You were pushed beyond your limit.

That, is genius...

@Birdsmakingnests

Did you completely miss the fact that he is autistic?

You've done nothing wrong. Give yourself a break x

It is a reflex when children are in danger. It's very common to give a smack on the bottom if a child runs out into the road or hurts another. I am generally against smacking and definitely when done in anger or as punishment, but when it's done in reflex as a means of keeping a child or other children safe, then I think that's ok. Your intention was to prevent harm quickly. You do need to cut yourself some slack here. It sounds like an extremely difficult situation. Try and move on from it.

Goodness, don't worry about it. Sounds like he didn't even feel it.

Your h doesn't sound very supportive- is he usually?

Sounds very stressful, and your ds could have seriously hurt his little brother.

Sending you 💐

He goes to a very good special needs school for children with autism and the teachers are all trained in safe restraint. We asked for help accessing similar training but we were told that they can't give it to parents. I don't know whether that's the case across the board or just in our locality but it's a shame as we both, me and DH, feel we all would hugely benefit from it including DS. He's a big boy for 6 and there's no way i would be able to manage meltdowns on this scale at 10, 15 years old.

Reigns - we did use them until the age of 5 but he made some great progress walking independently and listening, stopping at roads etc it felt inappropriate to keep him shackled to us during each outing the older he got.

Thank you all for the kindness, I really do appreciate it.

I have to admit to tapping dd in the ass a few times because I had tried everything else, she also has ASD, I can conform that a smack made no difference what so ever and didn’t traumatise her. Raising a child is challenging, raising a child with ASD is even more challenging.

Ah you poor thing. DS (10, also ASD) lashes out when he doesn't get his own way too. There is no 'correct' way to deal with that, its fucking stressful as hell. Mine is non verbal but becoming somewhat easier to reason with as he gets older. You were in an impossible situation and you didn't hurt him. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Did you completely miss the fact that he is autistic?

^

What does that change in that situation??

Nor would I

I don't blame you for what you did at all

I smacked my oldest once when she very nearly ran straight across a pedestrian crossing. My guilt was my punishment, but she never did it again.

You know it was wrong, you feel terrible and you won’t be doing it again.

I have an autistic now adult child. It’s fucking hard. We don’t smack and never have but we have had to restrain (when younger) in public. The looks we got for trying to keep our child and others safe! No one cared when an 8 year old tried to strangle his sister because she was laughing or kicked her repeatedly in the head for daring to walk on the side that he walks (they probably didn’t see the pure rage in him) but when we held him we were perceived as bad parents.
When you have a wild one that is struggling to regulate themselves it’s tough to regulate for you both ALL OF THE TIME. For us it definitely got easier but I know that we are lucky.

You really need to do some restraint training. He's 6.