Autistic Women Assemble! #2

[Nepmarthiturn]

Helloooo lovely people, a new thread for a us to continue to chat and connect with other autistic women (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

As before, anybody newly stumbling upon this is very welcome to join us (even if still awaiting diagnosis). But we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please, like the NT man we encountered in thread #1. 🤣

Uuuugh I am useless today. So much to do and have achieved nothing! Feel like going to bed. Can somebody give me a remote kick up the #%+$ please? 😆

I have taken the tree down, all sign of christmas gone into boxes but yet to be put somewhere like the loft, have laundry baskets emptied and ready for the day ahead tomorrow. I am absolutely exhausted and cannot wait for bedtime but having a glass of red here watching this new thing to netflix with Michelle Keegan which is very good called Fool me once.

Wow @Psychoticbreak that's a lot for one day! A much deserved drink.

No idea when I will get decs down! The house always looks so bare afterwards, too. 😬

Is the Netflix thing any good? I need something new to watch.

It is really good (she says on mumsnet while watching). I also made my bed in the end so fab fresh sheets to get into this evening. I have been letting the dog sleep on (read in) the bed over xmas so I needed to defluff anyway! He will not be happy sleeping downstairs tonight like a common housedog but I am determined to start this year afresh and I mean with everything fresh including me and my bed lol

Oh. I've been looking at this and it's been saying 'coming Monday' for what seems like ages. I forgot its now Monday. I noticed that Joanna Lumley was in it and I'll watch anything of hers.

"A common housedog"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@TheShellBeach he is now used to the finer things in life! Every time I have crackers and cheese he gets a babybell and a breadstick and he has eaten everything we have over xmas. He will be like a very rotund common housedog later! He is my baby though and he has gotten me through so much bless him 😊

Well despite being utterly knackered yesterday, I came to bed and put on the tv and I would say it was around 11 and I going to sleep however I am awake since 2am and out of the bed since about 3 because what is the point? I have a coffee on the go now and have a load of laundry (where does it come from?) in the machine. I have to be up for work at 7 so it will be a long day.

Oh and doggie despite my best intentions has been sleeping inside my oodie on the bed all night...

Is it just me that’s so much happier now the normal routine is in place.

I feel so much lighter and more energised.

Aha @Psychoticbreak I see that your common housedog managed to get into bed with you anyway.

@Nuly I quite agree about normality returning.

Except it's Scotland here and they have two New Year's Days. Yep - it isn't over till tomorrow.

@TheShellBeach jealous of Scotland having extra bank holidays! I think England has the fewest of the UK nations. 😒

@Nuly I'm feeling the opposite. First day back and totally overwhelmed already with the huge list of stuff to do. I think it's because I'm in a state of permanent burnout. The lack of demands over Christmas and time with my children was an amazing respite from it all, but I'd need that for several months to be ok again I think and that's impossible. 😩

@TheShellBeach the common housedog has now commandeered my sons old oodie and thinks that is now his very own sleeping bag at the end of the bed!

Did anyone else become almost reclusive after a diagnosis? I used to love going out for coffees and dinners etc but since my diagnosis I have invited people to my home for coffee instead of meeting them out and I have two things coming up that I need to go to and I am almost feeling like I am going to have a panic attack going to them. One ironically is a show about women with adhd!

@Psychoticbreak I think sometimes after being diagnosed people give themselves permission to be who they are more of the time rather than constantly putting themselves in stressful situations and masking, so this may be the start of you redesigning life a little to fit your needs rather than constantly squashing them to try to comply with the demands that everyone else makes on you to do this, that and the other? Basically you being more kind to yourself now that you understand yourself better rather than continually trying to fit in with what others want you to do, hugely to your own detriment, because you think you "should"?

Paying more attention to your own needs and feeling ok about saying "could we do this instead", or "no, sorry, that won't work for me" can only be a good thing. I think so many of us who lived into adulthood undiagnosed are so used to trying to comply with what everyone else demands of us that it can feel very strange to make even small adjustments and say "no" to things because we always felt that we were the problem and were conditioned to be people pleasers because we couldn't articulate why we couldn't do X, Y, Z without it leaving us overwhelmed/ exhausted/ distressed. It is a huge adjustment to change this and great that you've started to do it: it may make life much better for you!

Also very good if you're not encountering resistance to it from the people in your life. It can tell you a lot about what kind of people they are. It went down like a lead balloon when I started exerting boundaries with family, having been a doormat forever. They still claim they "don't understand" even though I've explained over and over again. It always astonishes me how a certain subset of NT people make such a huge fuss about having to make any accommodation for the needs of someone autistic, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that the autistic person is making accommodations to fit into NT people's preferences on environment, social interaction and norms etc every waking hour of their lives!! So ironic when NT people also frequently (erroneously, as has been proven by research now!) claim to be more empathetic. 😆

Thank you yes that could be it. I just always used to feel on top of things and now I feel like I am spiraling you know? I have always been the complete opposite of my diagnosis if that makes sense? An organised clean freak with lists upon lists of things to do and a super clean house that anyone could pop into anytime which has slowly declined in recent weeks and a social butterly but I feel in recent weeks I have let everything go and I just have no energy to do everything i used to do and I am stressed because I have fucking guests coming tomorrow and I dont want them but as they are flying here (thankfully only for one night) i cant put them off and i am stressed because I need to tidy the house, work, study, parent, walk the dog etc and I feel like I cannot function at all. I need to get off my arse and start but I dont even know where to begin and my job is fucking stressing me out too sending me emails to do things they themselves are quite capable of doing. I just feel like my world is collapsing around me.

That's all very familiar to me with the lists, super organisation, being very competent at "managing" everything. But it comes at an enormous cost. It's a coping mechanism learned very young to be able to function in an NT world. Overcompensating, especially due to self-esteem being crushed so desperate to be "on top" of everything. Also to control anxiety. I always think of that analogy of the swan gliding gracefully over the water, the mask of serenity while the legs furiously paddle underneath. In the end it is utterly exhausting and anything that can be done to make the pace more gentle is a good thing!

And I totally sympathise about how house guests are not ideal while you're feeling like this and the diagnosis is still sinking in, you're still adjusting. I mean, house guests are horrific at any time even if you really like them. 🤣 Plus back to work. Aaargh. I feel like I'm drowning already, too. That is a lot for you to have on your plate. 😕 How long are they staying?

I’m so glad Christmas and New Year is over, I love getting back into my normal swing of it

Sorry, just seen you said only for one night. At least there's that!! Good idea to plan NOTHING for the night after they leave!!

Am also finding I regularly need melatonin to sleep, anyone else? Is it addictive? I’m not increasing my dose, but gosh it helps

It's mot addictive, no. It's just a hormone. It makes a huge difference. Around 90% of autistic peope have significant sleep issues/disorders and there was amazing research a couple of years ago that showed the transformative effect of melatonin. I'll see if I can dig out the link to it later if I remember!

I have horrible bouts of insomnia. I need to look into that melatonin!

Here is a link to a meta-study of 20 or so studies on the effectiveness of melatonin for autistic people.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24050742/

Morning all. Hope everyone is doing OK.

@Psychoticbreak I'm no longer capable of doing what I used to do. I think we've discussed it before, but I now accept that the person I was for decades wasn't really the real me. I had learned to be gregarious etc, but I've not returned to my natural state of loner and someone who prefers to hide away. Also, I was super organised and mega tody for years, but it took its toll and now I struggle with basic tasks / multi tasking is exhausting and no longer really possible

I don't know if diagnosis facilitates this, or whether the reason we sought diagnosis is because we were already struggling significantly iyswim. Either way, I think your brain just says "I can't keep doing this. Somethings gotta give" On the other hand, it could also be the adjustment process in your case. I think you might need to re evaluate regardless. Don't try to carry on hosting people etc if you feel things are spiralling. We all talk here about burnout as we've all been there. Continuing to try to juggle more than you are capable of is what usually got us there.

As a single parent, I had to concentrate on myself and DD. Everything else got binned. That might sound extreme, but it was the only thing that was ever going to work for me, as pressure to socialise and think of others etc was the straw that broke the camels back.