It is very difficult isn't it when needs clash! My son is very different to me and my daughter is ridiculously similar in terms of how their autism presents and both are challenging for me to parent in different ways (it doesn't always make it easier that she is so similar to me, as sometimes our similarities can exacerbate each other!).
One thing I realised recently from the excellent book by Philippa Perry - The book you wish you parents had read and your children will be glad you did - (which isn't about neurodiversity but was still so relevant for me and I would think for most people) is that a lot of my reactions to my children are driven by my own childhood trauma (largely in my case from undiagnosed autism/ ADHD but also abusive parents who would have been abusive to me if NT as well, but the effect was magnified by my conditions). When my children behave in certain ways it triggers my feelings from my own childhood and I am often reacting to that rather than to what they are doing. So for example I am trying to show love and understanding but their meltdowns trigger the memories for me of being that age and the way my parents reacted to that and punished me, told me they wished I was never born, shut me in my room alone, excluded me from holidays/ Christmases etc because I was "bad"). And that makes it so much harder to cope with the sensory overload of my own children having meltdowns and needing my support that I am simultaneously suddenly reliving the trauma of what happened to me when I was their age and had similar meltodowns and didn't receive any love or care or understanding. It seems so obvious but I'd not realised this previously. I highly recommend that book. I am having trauma therapy now but I so wish I'd known my diagnoses and been able to access therapy before having children as my biggest fear is passing on the trauma accidentally through my reactions, although obviously I am NOTHING like my parents. But that still may not be enough to be doing things "right". But they will at least always know I'm on their side, I will be in their corner and fight for them and home is a safe place no matter what is going on elsewhere.
I remember how horrific is was being bullied at school and at home and there being no refuge, no respite, nowhere safe, nowhere I felt accepted or loved. The saddest part is that I thought that was normal, that I was simply unloveable hence everyone hating me. I think I am still living with the consequences of growing up in constant fight or flight mode, those constant elevated stress levels for years on end. It permanently changed my brain development as a child, I think. I look at my children and I know I was so much like them at their age, especially DD, and I hope so much I can watch her flourish in a way I couldn't.
Having children is hard and relentless, even without sensory issues etc to deal with. Having said all of that, despite how we can all become overwhelmed I hope that our little trio has one thing which is that everyone knows they are loved and secure and understood. I think I might actually have found it harder to parent an NT child in many ways. Now they are older I enjoy their company far more than that of anybody else! We just all need downtime on our own as well and I'm really impressed that they're recognising that and respecting each other's boundaries already at only 5 and 6. We don't get this from extended family who are adults, or my employer or their school so they are way ahead of most NT adults in terms of tolerance and empathy and understanding the needs of people different to you.
Sorry for the brain dump! With this time at home to relax and do as we please with no external demands I'd been musing a lot on these things over the last week and realised how much happier we all are when we are in our own environment without the hell of work and school. If only there were more times like this where we could hibernate together and shut the world out!