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Original poster

When I become the God of Driving... the sins I will punish include....

219 replies

GerbilsForever24 · 04/08/2023 00:17

Lane drifting will be an instant smiting - relatively minor, equivalent of a quick electric shock. Lane drifting while in the middle of an intersection will be a major smiting - think heavens open and lightning bolts down
to the woman who did this to me today: if I get a fine because I had to brake suddenly to let you in and was then stuck on the yellow block, I'll be sending you virtual smiting until I become the God of Driving (GoD)

Anyone who wants to drive a car bigger than a old fashioned regular car will need a SECOND license - one that proves they CAN in fact drive such a big car and will not be completely terrorised by car parks or narrow roads. This test will include ensuring they can pull out of parking spaces without a 17 point turn that takes 3 minutes, and that exiting a car park with perfectly normal turns such as the 45 degrees required at the car park I was at today are, in fact, easily achieved and do not cause complete panic. Similarly, in the case of a normal road in which there is a lane in each direction, drivers will be expected to manage this, even if there are things on the pavement or bushes alongside the road.

Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn will immediately find a large D for Dummy appearing on their forehead and their cars. this will only fade when the habit is broken.

I'll also reserve a special place in my GoD hell for driving instructors who allow their learners to travel on busy roads, at busy times, at significantly below the speed limit.

Anything else I should be considering as I prepare to take on my deity status?

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 04/08/2023 00:18

Failing to signal correctly on a roundabout. Special punishment for those who fail to signal at all on a roundabout.

Original poster
GerbilsForever24 · 04/08/2023 00:20

Oh, EXCELLENT point. You can be a high priestess.

I'm going to add to this one that people who do not understand the concept of yielding to the right/right of way, particularly not he many mini roundabouts we have around here, will need to be punished, most likely by sacrificing their most precious possessions to me, their GoD. The concept is simply - by having a roundabout at a t-junction, it allows there to be more than one car crossing the intersection at once. Forget this at your peril.....

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 04/08/2023 00:23

People who can't differentiate between licence and license Grin

More seriously, people who don't know which lane to be in at bloody roundabouts. Just learn FFS.

People who can't drive at the speed limit (without good reason).

People who don't keep left unless overtaking on dual carriageways.

MaggieFS · 04/08/2023 00:24

People who don't indicate early enough so you sit like a lemon waiting for them to pass, only for them to turn off earlier.

EBearhug · 04/08/2023 00:25

Please smite those who cannot corner properly at T-junctions and similar configurations. I should not have to reverse back to give someone space to turn the corner because they have taken it so wide they are half way across my side of the road. (Exceptions may be granted to buses and HGVs that genuinely do need more space to turn.)

MaggieFS · 04/08/2023 00:25

OMG, I forgot the mn faux pas of faux pas. People who park across a dropped curb or H bar.

Halo8 · 04/08/2023 00:27

Slow lorries that overtake other slow lorries whilst on long uphill sections.

HeddaGarbled · 04/08/2023 00:27

People who think the horn is a legitimate means of expressing impatience with someone who doesn’t do exactly what they want them to do in a millisecond.

Doormatnomore · 04/08/2023 00:28

People who don’t understand breaking distance should be magically returned to where they darted in from till they get it right, as often as it takes.

Aplume · 04/08/2023 00:28

Developers who make car parks with hateful tiny spaces with not enough space between rows to manoeuvre out without doing a 5000 point turn.

People who edge forward on your inside at roundabouts so you can't see what's coming.

HeddaGarbled · 04/08/2023 00:31

People who leave their tolerance and patience at home.

Aplume · 04/08/2023 00:32

More seriously, people who don't know which lane to be in at bloody roundabouts. Just learn FFS.

Can be difficult though in these days of overgrown foliage obscuring signs and road markings worn away to nothing.

Original poster
GerbilsForever24 · 04/08/2023 00:34

I will be fixing big roundabouts so that lanes are clearer. But after that, mistakes will be severely punished, requiring ash and sackcloths.

OP posts:
Junebughustle · 04/08/2023 00:36

As someone who is currently re-learning how to drive and doing her best to not annoy/endanger other drivers, could someone please explain what 'Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn' means so I can check I don't do that?

ohfourfoxache · 04/08/2023 00:40

People who can’t follow the enormous arrows directing you where to go in car parks. They often adorn walls, suspended signs AND tarmac.

There is a special place in hell reserved for those who ignore them.

Original poster
GerbilsForever24 · 04/08/2023 00:44

Junebughustle · 04/08/2023 00:36

As someone who is currently re-learning how to drive and doing her best to not annoy/endanger other drivers, could someone please explain what 'Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn' means so I can check I don't do that?

Say you are driving along and you need to make a left turn. Some drivers cannot do 90 degrees. So instead , shortly before they reach the turn, they turn their car slightly to the right to give them a wider circle in which to make the turn. This is extraordinarily irritating and can be dangerous as they are in the way of incoming traffic if its single lane both ways, or, if there is space for 2 cars abreast, can cause them to drift into the path of a car travelling in same direction but continuing at regular speed to the right of the car slowing for the turn.

OP posts:
SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors · 04/08/2023 00:47

Middle lane hoggers.

SheilaWilde · 04/08/2023 01:02

Drivers who crawl along NSL roads in the countryside at 30 then SPEED UP through the villages. They can fuck pff.

People who do not signal their intention BEFORE breaking. They can all fuck off.

People who don't pay attention to their RVM and then have a panic about getting out of the way of an emergency vehicle. They can all fuck off.

Also. Know your width!!! You're driving a car not a bloody bus and if you can't manage it get something smaller.

You don't need to break when a car is approaching you from the opposite direction in its own lane, in its own side of the road. It won't hurt you just carry on with your own (shit) driving without stabbing your foot at the brake pedal you arse.

Ooh. That feels better. I'm sure I have 8,0063 more.

Screamingabdabz · 04/08/2023 01:16

For me it’s the dipshits who feel sorry for someone who clearly has been waiting a while to turn from a side street into a busy main road so they stop - they actually STOP - on a busy, main, thoroughfare… holding up an A road of moving traffic to let someone out. Aghhhhh. Infuriating.

Great job mate - being kind to one person by holding up 13 others who actually had the legal right of way. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

thaegumathteth · 04/08/2023 01:30

People who don't signal on roundabouts

Cyclists who weave in and out of traffic and shoot through red lights

Drivers who can't drive in narrow spaces as someone said above. Annoyingly this is dh and I'm constantly telling him he has miles of room.

My neighbour who swings round the corner and drives down the wrong side of the road to then swing forwards and reverse into his drive.

People who beep at learner drivers

People who go to drive throughs and don't decide what they want beforehand / have their card / cash ready . See also tolls etc.

Every other driver I ever came across in America.

QuestionableMouse · 04/08/2023 01:36

Drivers who won't fucking get over when driving down narrow lanes. Totally fed up of my car being in the hedge because some twat in a brand new BMW or Audi 4x4 is driving it in the middle of the lane because they're petrified of getting even vaguely close to the edge of the road.

TakenRoot · 04/08/2023 02:03

People who take up the R hand lane that is designated for straight ahead and for a R turn, and don’t indicate R until they are actually turning. If you are in that lane intending to turn R, signal! Otherwise everyone else gets stuck behind, assuming you are going straight ahead.

Please, OP, send these people to the fires below.

People who cause gridlock where parked cars mean oncoming cars cannot pass each other. Any drivers who push ahead and then get stuck before they reach a gap just cause the whole manoeuvre to seize up. Engage brain before engaging forward gear you fuckwits. Men: (it is usually men) holding back will not make your penis shrink. Really. But in my world this stupid non-strategic driving will result in a zap to the crotch.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 04/08/2023 02:17

People who drive nose-in to parking spaces, then create mayhem because it takes them a month to reverse out.

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 02:21

I realise this has been mentioned in brief above, but please could we have it that anyone in an overtaking lane on any motorway or dual carriage way (any lane other than the left lane) can at any moment havd the Archangel Michael appear unto them and challenge them to identify precisely which vehicle they are currently overtaking, which must be a vehicle that they are travelling faster than and which is close enough to them that they wouldn't have time to pull into the left lane and then pull out again when a sensible distance away abd ready to actually overtake. Major smiting if such a vehicle cannot be identified.

This functionality will of course not be exercised in heavy traffic where all lanes are going at broadly similar speeds notwithstanding any stop-start effects.

Has anyone mentioned yet though the smiting due to people who merrily undertake a queue of traffic all trying to pass the lorry going uphill in the left lane at 60mph, and yes the queue to overtake is only moving at 68mph and yes your car can do the hill at 75mph but this is a queue so bloody get to the back of it and don't barge in at the front.

Hottytotty · 04/08/2023 02:39

I don’t think anyone has mentioned tailgating yet? I was driving along at 60mph today on a country road which is new/wide but then narrows and goes over two humpbacked bridges and into a village. A Porsche comes up behind me, sits on my backside for a bit, overtakes and then of course gets stuck at the bridges and we arrive into the village directly behind each other 🙄.
But getting too close on motorways or whatever is equally annoying if you are overtaking and doing a decent speed - they just need to wait (or be smited obviously).