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Original poster

When I become the God of Driving... the sins I will punish include....

219 replies

GerbilsForever24 · 04/08/2023 00:17

Lane drifting will be an instant smiting - relatively minor, equivalent of a quick electric shock. Lane drifting while in the middle of an intersection will be a major smiting - think heavens open and lightning bolts down
to the woman who did this to me today: if I get a fine because I had to brake suddenly to let you in and was then stuck on the yellow block, I'll be sending you virtual smiting until I become the God of Driving (GoD)

Anyone who wants to drive a car bigger than a old fashioned regular car will need a SECOND license - one that proves they CAN in fact drive such a big car and will not be completely terrorised by car parks or narrow roads. This test will include ensuring they can pull out of parking spaces without a 17 point turn that takes 3 minutes, and that exiting a car park with perfectly normal turns such as the 45 degrees required at the car park I was at today are, in fact, easily achieved and do not cause complete panic. Similarly, in the case of a normal road in which there is a lane in each direction, drivers will be expected to manage this, even if there are things on the pavement or bushes alongside the road.

Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn will immediately find a large D for Dummy appearing on their forehead and their cars. this will only fade when the habit is broken.

I'll also reserve a special place in my GoD hell for driving instructors who allow their learners to travel on busy roads, at busy times, at significantly below the speed limit.

Anything else I should be considering as I prepare to take on my deity status?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 04/08/2023 08:35

ohsoso · 04/08/2023 08:26

YES!!

Do they not see the queue of cars and wonder why the other lane is empty? Do they think we’re all queuing for fun?! Do they not care? I loathe having to let cars in who have zoomed to the top of the queue and not paid their dues by waiting 😂

Show quote history

More fool you for queueing unnecessarily. They are doing it right.

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 08:36

Also... when joining a road you must merge to the traffic already on it. However, If you are already on the road and see someone merging, move over if you can. It's nice to be nice.

FinallyHere · 04/08/2023 08:39

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 02:21

I realise this has been mentioned in brief above, but please could we have it that anyone in an overtaking lane on any motorway or dual carriage way (any lane other than the left lane) can at any moment havd the Archangel Michael appear unto them and challenge them to identify precisely which vehicle they are currently overtaking, which must be a vehicle that they are travelling faster than and which is close enough to them that they wouldn't have time to pull into the left lane and then pull out again when a sensible distance away abd ready to actually overtake. Major smiting if such a vehicle cannot be identified.

This functionality will of course not be exercised in heavy traffic where all lanes are going at broadly similar speeds notwithstanding any stop-start effects.

Has anyone mentioned yet though the smiting due to people who merrily undertake a queue of traffic all trying to pass the lorry going uphill in the left lane at 60mph, and yes the queue to overtake is only moving at 68mph and yes your car can do the hill at 75mph but this is a queue so bloody get to the back of it and don't barge in at the front.

This.

Abso bl**dy lutely this.

(Sorry can't wait til I've read all the way through the thread before post my this @JaukiVexnoydi nailed it )

Twyford · 04/08/2023 08:39

Anyone who wants to drive a car bigger than a old fashioned regular car will need a SECOND licence - one that proves they CAN in fact drive such a big car and will not be completely terrorised by car parks or narrow roads

This! Also they need to prove that, when parking in the road, they can actually stop close to the pavement and not two feet out into the road.

I assume tailgaters will be instantly obliterated?

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 08:41

MerelyPlaying · 04/08/2023 05:54

People who ignore the ‘lane closed ahead’ sign and overtake all the people filtering in, and then try and force their way in at the head of the queue.

People (possibly the same ones, so only one smiting will be needed) who ignore the filter lanes on motorways when there’s a queue and then brake on the main carriageway so they can join it at the last minute (M11 to M25 junction, Thou knowst who they art, O God of Driving)

@MerelyPlaying I hate to be the bearer of bad news and I say this with love but you are part of the problem if you don't merge. The queue could be half as long (and maybe not come to a halt at all) if people zipper merged as they are supposed to.

If the lane is free until the point of closure, they are not cutting in.

OP I think you are my new best friend! I agree you should be God of the road and all driving!

VeronicaBeccabunga · 04/08/2023 08:41

Thorough righteous smiting please for drivers of huge vast 4x4s who spend far too long trying to parallel park on our busy little High Street.
If you forked out ££££ for that gas-guzzler then you can cough up a £ to put it in a proper car-park.

Double smiting for those who stop dead, having spotted a parking space as they pass it, and then expect the entire queue of traffic behind them to back up so they can manoeuvre into it very slowly indeed.

Triple smiting if all of the above is done on the 'wrong' side of the road.

Dombasle · 04/08/2023 08:43

Get rid of nervous drivers. The ones that won't go on a motorway or will drive an extra three miles so that they don't have to do a right hand turn or to avoid a roundabout etc.

If you are not confident behind the wheel, don't drive.

Nemesias · 04/08/2023 08:45

junkyardcars · 04/08/2023 07:35

I would like to smite those who are indecisive on slip roads when trying to join a motorway or A road.

Instead of assessing the flow of traffic and trying to slot themselves in, they crawl nervously up the slip road and then sometimes actually stop as though it's a give way. That causes others to slow down in order to let them in and then by the time they've got their revs up after coming to a standstill, they've nearly caused an accident.

Also, not technically driving but please can I also smite the ones who walk behind cars which are obviously reversing out of a space? You can see I'm reversing so why not just wait for one nanosecond till I'm out of the space instead of forcing me to brake suddenly and wait till you've sauntered past? I was at the supermarket recently and one person, completely oblivious to their surroundings stopped behind my part-reversed car to do something with his phone. I had to (politely) ask him to move. 🙄

It is a give way. You aren’t supposed to stop unless necessary and joining slow moving traffic but cars already on the motorway have priority. Still I’ve never once seen someone stop that way on a slip road when trying to join at 70mph

Nemesias · 04/08/2023 08:46

I’d smite people who stop on a clear road to let me out of a side road or turn into one. Go on about your day - I’ll find my own gap thank you. You’re going to cause an accident.

PuppyMonkey · 04/08/2023 08:48

people who say intersection. Grin

Nemesias · 04/08/2023 08:49

Oh and “driving within the speed limit” as someone said sounds like the sort of person who does 40 in a 60 and 20 in a 30. Get your fucking foot down, the road is perfectly safe to do the allotted speed. Drive at the speed limit unless there’s a bloody good reason not to.

DinoRoar14 · 04/08/2023 08:51

MerelyPlaying · 04/08/2023 05:54

People who ignore the ‘lane closed ahead’ sign and overtake all the people filtering in, and then try and force their way in at the head of the queue.

People (possibly the same ones, so only one smiting will be needed) who ignore the filter lanes on motorways when there’s a queue and then brake on the main carriageway so they can join it at the last minute (M11 to M25 junction, Thou knowst who they art, O God of Driving)

Pretty sure you're supposed to merge later....

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 09:02

There are so many tight corners around my way that you absolutely need to pull right for to turn left. So YABU for that one. It can't be helped sometimes.

crapactually · 04/08/2023 09:03

Dombasle · 04/08/2023 08:43

Get rid of nervous drivers. The ones that won't go on a motorway or will drive an extra three miles so that they don't have to do a right hand turn or to avoid a roundabout etc.

If you are not confident behind the wheel, don't drive.

How do they become confident without driving?

I don't mean drivers whose nerves put people in danger but surely taking your time to learn how to drive well is a good thing?

Overconfidence which masks a lack of skill is far worse.

crapactually · 04/08/2023 09:04

Even on this thread, people are moaning about those who are using the road correctly! The merge people particularly. 😄

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/08/2023 09:07

People who drive far too close! to the car in front, especially at speed. The rat-infested dungeon for them, with the odd mouldy crust if I’m feeling generous.

papasmurfdontpreach · 04/08/2023 09:15

People who pull out from a junction right in front of you at an unsafe distance if you are doing the speed limit, but then proceed to tootle along at 10 miles or more under the speed limit. These people clearly cannot judge distances or speeds accurately, so therefore should not be allowed to drive and need an immediate smiting.

yogasaurus · 04/08/2023 09:15

crapactually · 04/08/2023 09:04

Even on this thread, people are moaning about those who are using the road correctly! The merge people particularly. 😄

I did a speed awareness course after I got caught doing 43 in a 40. It was really interesting, but also highlighted that so many people actually don’t have a clue what the rules are. They’ve made their own interpretations after years of driving.

LeopardPuff · 04/08/2023 09:19

Can I add people who go on holiday and spend hundreds or even thousands on a holiday cottage, but then scour the local villages looking for free residential parking spots for their 4x4s, rather than pay a few quid to use the massive car park built to accommodate them. Smite hard please God. 🙏

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 09:31

@yogasaurus yes yes yes!

I have to do driver training every year as part of my job and someone sits with you for half a day. We discussed everything annoying and we spoke about drivers who learned outside the UK not always following the rules. He said usually they are shocked by how much UK drivers do follow the rules and other countries are not like this. I scoffed and said about my merging event and he said "well, not the actual rules but the ones they have made up that are now unwritten rules".

tapdancingmum · 04/08/2023 09:37

I have learnt something this morning. I have never heard of zipper merging when there is a lane closed sign. I would get angry with the people sailing past and pushing in, so zipper merging makes sense. There are two roads around here that have merge in turn signs, so why can't these signs be used alongside the lane closed signs. It would make sense.

Also, another sign one. When there is a road closed sign, it would be helpful if where the road was closed was written on it. I live along an extremely long road, and they sometimes put the road closed sign at the bottom of the hill with no indication of where its closed. You either have to drive up the hill to see if you can get home or use the diversion.

Other than that, all drivers except for me and those on here are all knobs so should be smited. That way, the roads would be clearer and easier to use 😀

Wizzbangfizz · 04/08/2023 09:40

Tailgaters deserve the wrath of hellfire on them, there is no need for it at all, stupid and dangerous.

Also people who are clearly on what’s app or whatever texting whilst driving - see it all the time on the motorway.

Deathbyfluffy · 04/08/2023 09:43

Tailgaters are the number 1 for me - but a little known fact is that tapping the brake pedal lightly will put your brake lights on without actually applying any braking force.

Brake testing (where you do actually slow down) is very dangerous and a total no-no, but a bit of ‘re-education’ with the lights might help them in future!

BigButtons · 04/08/2023 09:44

crapactually · 04/08/2023 09:04

Even on this thread, people are moaning about those who are using the road correctly! The merge people particularly. 😄

Yes! How can they not understand what merge in turn means? It’s a big worrying really.

turkeyboots · 04/08/2023 09:47

Those who beep at drivers of small cars, because they are small cars.
DH didn't believe me until he borrowed my car for a few days.