When I become the God of Driving... the sins I will punish include....

[GerbilsForever24]

Lane drifting will be an instant smiting - relatively minor, equivalent of a quick electric shock. Lane drifting while in the middle of an intersection will be a major smiting - think heavens open and lightning bolts down
to the woman who did this to me today: if I get a fine because I had to brake suddenly to let you in and was then stuck on the yellow block, I'll be sending you virtual smiting until I become the God of Driving (GoD)

Anyone who wants to drive a car bigger than a old fashioned regular car will need a SECOND license - one that proves they CAN in fact drive such a big car and will not be completely terrorised by car parks or narrow roads. This test will include ensuring they can pull out of parking spaces without a 17 point turn that takes 3 minutes, and that exiting a car park with perfectly normal turns such as the 45 degrees required at the car park I was at today are, in fact, easily achieved and do not cause complete panic. Similarly, in the case of a normal road in which there is a lane in each direction, drivers will be expected to manage this, even if there are things on the pavement or bushes alongside the road.

Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn will immediately find a large D for Dummy appearing on their forehead and their cars. this will only fade when the habit is broken.

I'll also reserve a special place in my GoD hell for driving instructors who allow their learners to travel on busy roads, at busy times, at significantly below the speed limit.

Anything else I should be considering as I prepare to take on my deity status?

Not sure if you think that people who think this should be punished, or whether those that don't think this should be punished. I suspect the latter?

But for the avoidance of doubt - a vehicle going uphill doesn't have priority (there is no legal thing with driving called 'right of way' ) going around obstructions on their side of the road.

People turning right across an intersection from a lane that has no right turn. I've had this twice. People that drive across an intersection from a left turn only lane than proceed to drive through a bus only road to go around a red light.

Are you GoD that effects pedestrians or just cars? And can you retroactively smite? Because I'd like you to smite the woman that gave me a shock driving really close than standing on the horn when I crossed at a pedestrian crossing. She wasn't close when I started crossing and could see me easily.

Severe knob rot reserved for the drivers who take the opportunity to overtake you when you've pulled over for an ambulance. Usually after the emergency vehicle has passed but I did see a car pull out in front of one and pass the many cars pulled to the side.

Re reversing into spaces. A special place in hell for those who reverse into spaces in supermarkets and then expect to be able to squeeze their trolley through to unload. Someone did this recently and bashed my car, not realising I was sat in it. I did not wish them a blessed day.

People driving off then slowing down/stopping to put on their seat belts. What's that about. Put it on and then drive off, it's not hard.

I also have to do that annoying thing of drivers bitching about cyclists. I used to cycle so I know what drivers are like and I am very considerate but sharing road space does require you to not be a prick too. You don't get a special pass.

So don't expect priority on a road then speed through lights and crossings, bob on the pavement in front of pedestrians etc or clip my fucking wing mirror squeezing through a space that's too small.

Can you smite the fuckers with no blue badge that parked in all four of the blue badge spaces today meaning I had to drive into a space in order to get my sons wheelchair out of the back and carry him to it?

People who won't reverse back to a passing space - lane or parked cars or wherever - when it's right behind them because they're total arseholes.

People who see me coming down past the parked cars more than half way down then still continue rather than wait for me, then expect me to reverse. Nope.

Yesterday obvs! I've had no sleep

I had a lovely old gentleman teach me to drive 40 years ago I still hear his voice today when turning left - when turning left hug the kerb no need to swing out right to turn left!

At roundabouts always look ahead if clear go! don’t brake on an empty roundabout best chance you get of someone going in the back of you.

One of my pet hates is those people that stop two cars lengths back from the line at a busy junction, like they need a run up to it - I don’t get it

Ooh. People who don't understand that people from the right have right of way at a round about..that means you, Doris, sat in your car, immobile while I wait for you to bloody move. It's absolutely dangerous.

Can I request some smiting down off the people in charge of the following road signage please.

1. ROAD CLOSED signs which are frequently massively far in advance of where they need to be, and/or put up AGES in advance of the road actually closing (end of my road has one which has been there since 21/7 in prep for 10/8 - it's a side road not anybody's main route!). Or repeated road closed/diversion signs all the way along a main route which turns out to have a single side road off it closed, and the main route is fine.

2. OVERHEAD MOTORWAY SPEED LIMITS. There should be some kind of monitoring & penalty system for when these are on and making everyone slow down to 50 or 40 for no good reason. And the penalty should include having to drive along that road themselves and obey every second of their arbitrary speed limit.

Also: since motorways are so clever, why can't fines be automatically texted to drivers so there is an instant consequence for speeding?

The crime that sends me into a rage is those who stop in a queue of traffic and then slowly creep forward and stop and creep and stop until they are actually a normal distance from the car in front of them.
JUST WHY? Why not just pull up at a normal distance and stop and stay there until it is time to go again.
This is particularly annoying on steep hills.
I then have to decide if the ever increasing gap between me and them is worth doing a hill start for.
fuckers.

Regarding 2 I went on a speed awareness course recently and there actually already is. It's more as drivers we often can't see what the issue is so we think it's done for no reason.

Op can we add in bike cyclists who thinks it's acceptable to pull in ahead of a car at a junction/roundabout in the kindle of the road. No you won't get off sooner than a car and no noone wants to look at your Mamil arse. Overall can we get some sort of licence system for anyone over age 15 driving a bike.

Cyclists without a helmet. Jesus Christ. Teenagers driving without helmets and cycling while using their phones. Send straight to hell.

Please take all drivers who refuse to zip merge off the road.

This will probably remove more than 70% of motorists and will make for a much more pleasant driving experience all round!

Definitely middle lane drivers

and people who don't understand how 2 lane roundabouts work thus rendering them essentially no more is to traffic flow than a 1 lane roundabout.

Though that said there is a strange roundabout not far from me that I always get wrong because the lanes are incomprehensible.

People who live near here where between 2 villages there is a stretch of road, half of which is national speed limit and half is 40. I would like to smite those who inexplicably do the 60 section at 35mph and then speed up to over 40 is the 40 section. There are many of them. It would involve a lot of smiting.

And I would like a reprieve please on the swinging out right to turn left for my little back road that is a very tightform with metal railings sticking out in to the inside corner of the left. Without the railings it wouldn't be an issue but their presence necessitates swinging out to turn without serious damage. If you please God of Driving could you grant me special dispensation?

I disagree there. It happens loads on the really busy road here . If it didn’t people would not be able to get out for a very long time as the stream of traffic is pretty constant . It takes seconds, is kind and I don’t see it as an issue at all.

Oh dear, as GoD I will be smiting people who dont do this. Using all the available space reduces tailbacks and obstructions further behind. Cars should be zippering in at the point at which the 2 lanes become one, NOT queuing for miles.

I live rurally, so horse riders at peak times on the busier roads should be made to oversleep and miss the 'rush hour'.
To counterbalance this, the complete arses who think they can drive up close behind a horse, pass with an inch to spare, with no change in their speed, blaring music at high volume should, at a safe time, have a weight the equivalent of the horse they passed dropped on their bonnet. They wouldn't do it again.

Praise be! Yes!

I would like to smite those who are indecisive on slip roads when trying to join a motorway or A road.

Instead of assessing the flow of traffic and trying to slot themselves in, they crawl nervously up the slip road and then sometimes actually stop as though it's a give way. That causes others to slow down in order to let them in and then by the time they've got their revs up after coming to a standstill, they've nearly caused an accident.

Also, not technically driving but please can I also smite the ones who walk behind cars which are obviously reversing out of a space? You can see I'm reversing so why not just wait for one nanosecond till I'm out of the space instead of forcing me to brake suddenly and wait till you've sauntered past? I was at the supermarket recently and one person, completely oblivious to their surroundings stopped behind my part-reversed car to do something with his phone. I had to (politely) ask him to move. 🙄

Smiting is too good for them. I will cause them to spontaneously combust!

Can someone explain the correct way to deal with a lane closure? I’m keen to avoid being smited.

Because I am Nice and fear the judgement of others, as soon as I see a lane closure sign I join the queue. There are always some drivers who go speeding past and then try to get in at the end of the cones.
Surely if everyone stayed in the lane they’re in and did alternate merging at the end of the cones, most people would be going on their way with less waiting? But I’m too scared to take this approach.

If I could possibly join the lower ranks of Driving Cherubs I’d like to propose instantaneous banana up the exhaust pipe for anyone who sits in their parked car with the engine running.

@GerbilsForever24 of course pulling right to turn left is very necessary if you have a longer vehicle or you will have issues with your rear end. I had a lot of kids in a short space of time we it. A none seater mini bus. A lot of the streets in my town are pretty narrow. It was a necessity to do this.

Excellent suggestion. Will consider.

Although it would remove opportunity to laugh at people like the old man who was so determined not to let me zip merge he almost hit the car in front of him. Even 9 year old ds thought that was hilarious.

Yes, this is exactly what I was going to say.
Also the BMW and Audi drivers who tailgate on a very twisty and uneven country road that I frequent. I would like their cars to be transformed into a Fiat 500 like mine so they can see what it feels like to drive along there without their suspension and handling. We all know where the passing spots are, I will slow down to make it easier for them to get past, so what is the benefit of sitting on my bumper? I have been along that road in DH’s nice car and it’s a totally different experience.
Similarly, the Audi driver who stormed past me in a 20 mph zone, his car should just vaporise. Everyone thinks the 20 zone is daft (I have driven that stretch of road dozens of times and I’ve seen precisely one pedestrian and one cyclist) but it’s there and it’s the law.
I’d like some illuminated signs for my back window- “I didn’t set the speed limit (but if you tailgate me we’ll be keeping to it)” and “I’m going as fast as conditions allow in this car”.