When I become the God of Driving... the sins I will punish include....

[GerbilsForever24]

Lane drifting will be an instant smiting - relatively minor, equivalent of a quick electric shock. Lane drifting while in the middle of an intersection will be a major smiting - think heavens open and lightning bolts down
to the woman who did this to me today: if I get a fine because I had to brake suddenly to let you in and was then stuck on the yellow block, I'll be sending you virtual smiting until I become the God of Driving (GoD)

Anyone who wants to drive a car bigger than a old fashioned regular car will need a SECOND license - one that proves they CAN in fact drive such a big car and will not be completely terrorised by car parks or narrow roads. This test will include ensuring they can pull out of parking spaces without a 17 point turn that takes 3 minutes, and that exiting a car park with perfectly normal turns such as the 45 degrees required at the car park I was at today are, in fact, easily achieved and do not cause complete panic. Similarly, in the case of a normal road in which there is a lane in each direction, drivers will be expected to manage this, even if there are things on the pavement or bushes alongside the road.

Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn will immediately find a large D for Dummy appearing on their forehead and their cars. this will only fade when the habit is broken.

I'll also reserve a special place in my GoD hell for driving instructors who allow their learners to travel on busy roads, at busy times, at significantly below the speed limit.

Anything else I should be considering as I prepare to take on my deity status?

I know it’s ridiculous- I mean when do all the others want the queue to start ? Years ago the A road I had to drive down every day to take the kids to school had ongoing lane closures. It was a nightmare. I always used the merging lane- the looks I would get were astonishing. I used to think ‘it’s not my fault that you have chosen to sit in this queue rather than merge’

Which is still safer than reversing out of a parking space (plus the vast majority of the time there’s enough space still to take your trolley to the back of your car anyway)

What do you consider a long vehicle? Because a bus or similar, as someone upthread pointed out, would need it. BUT, I would hope that such a driver would realise the need and therefore check both traffic ahead and behind before such a manoeuvre.

I am talking about poor drivers who do it without even realising, causing everyone else around them to make emergency measures to accommodate their inability to drive a normal car.

By joining the queue immediately traffic is backed up and causes obstructions. Everyone should use the sign as an opportunity to be alert, most likely to slow down in preparation and then zipper in at the point at which the two lanes become one.

Especially in shopping centres..... and you know it's the staff who are too idle/late/precious about their over sized car. And it does tend to be those with 4WD.

It was the lack of BB that had me gnashing my teeth not the car.

Middle laners: please pick up their vehicles and move them to the correct side of the road with your divine mightiness, and maybe give them a bit of a slap. Especially those doing about 55/60 on the motorway doing this.

Please could also smite the Coventry ring road into non existence, oh mighty one? It is not quite GoD territory but if you could have a word which whichever god can sort it out, please? It's hellish.

Please also smite my neighbours. They got their drive done not long ago. With space for 2 cars. They have 5 cars. Which they park all over the ruddy place including over my drive, opposite my drive and on the corners, especially when their family visit every day 🙄

Lastly, please can you deal with the roundabout numpties. The ones who apparently cannot read the direction arrows and road names on the floor, despite them being 3ft high. Especially those that get aggy with you even though THEY were in the wrong lane and do all the gestures, horn and other aggy driving manouvres as they MUST be on the outside lane to go fastest, even though that's the middle lane and I am in the right turn right hand lane..... A fortuitous police car to capture them would be marvellous.

Definitely punish drivers who don't indicate, plus those drivers who throw their rubbish out the window!
Special hell😡 for the idiot who nearly killed us by not stopping whilst we were crossing on a zebra crossing last week

I have a perfectly normal sized car but live down a single track road with narrow stone gateposts at the entrance to my drive (they belong to a neighbour so I am stuck with them). I have to move right to turn left into my driveway. I always slow down and indicate left. Almost everyone is fine with it but I was once being followed by a car with French number plates that undertook me as I was swinging left. So that driver can go on the list.

Can you sort out the people who decided it was better to write the destination of lanes on the entrance to roundabouts on the road, where it will be obscured by the cars in the queue rather than on good signage.

I'm including parking infractions. People that don't have a blue badge who park in disabled bays. Any of the lame 'I'm only going to the cash machine' or 'I'm only going to the kiosk for a packet of cigatettes' type excuses mean double punishment.

Double smiting if they have their hazard warning lights on while they do it.

Those who travel significantly below the speed limit

Inconsiderate cyclists

Inconsiderate horse riders (I used to have a horse but would always wear hi Viz, pay attention to what was going on around me, trot to a safe passing place and always say thank you, so this is for those that don't)

Those who don't understand the right of way

People who park their cars right on bends/opposite junctions

Those who don't say thank you

@Screamingabdabz YES those who stop on a main road and sit and let everyone out!!

People who ignore the ‘lane closed ahead’ sign and overtake all the people filtering in, and then try and force their way in at the head of the queue.
You mean the people correctly zipper merging at the merge point. Nope, the people doing that are the ones going straight to driver heaven. It's the ones trying to move over early who will be punished.

Can I add people failing to use slip roads appropriately to get up to the speed of the road you are joining. Drive on a slip road to a motorway moving at normal speed and with normal gaps at 40 miles an hour and be instantly removed in a puff of smoke so I can actually use it safely as it was designed.

Agreed! I'd never get out in the morning otherwise as I need to turn left out of a junction just above where a dual carriageway merges into a single carriageway, together with a big crossing with traffic lights, and there's very rarely a break in the traffic long enough for me to get out. Plenty of people follow @Screamingabdabz rules but thankfully someone always lets me out.

I nominate for smiting the absolute bell-end in an Audi (because of course it was) last night who beeped at me twice at a busy double roundabout because I didn't move fast enough for him at each turn. I should have missed my turn just to make him wait a little longer. As it was he then overtook me at speed and then tailgated the car in front. Sad little man.

So yes, smite the bullies and the people who use their car as a weapon. Oh and the impatient fuckers in car parks who can't possibly wait the few seconds for you to finish parking, they have to drive past risking you hitting them while you straighten up. Oh and frankly you can smite everyone on the roads because it's holiday traffic season down here and everyone has taken leave of their senses, if they ever had any in the first place.

Yes!

This! A thousand times this.

The ones who apparently cannot read the direction arrows and road names on the floor, despite them being 3ft high. they need to put them on an actual sign. People drive over the writing then no one can see them

Well you hope they would be aware- I guess some aren’t? Width of road also comes into play of course. We have one in my town that is barely one car width wide- pretty well everyone has to swing right in order to have the car enter it straight otherwise there would be collision with the bollards on the corners.
norma corners and normal cars don’t need to do it. I always had to take corners wide in the mini bus.

May the ground open up and swallow the bastards that trundle along a NSL at 37mph, and then react to being overtaken by putting their foot down to 60mph and trying to run the overtaker off the road.
I had over half a mile of straight section to overtake, and didn't half get a shock on realising that I'd built up to 70mph to get past him after trailing behind him after he'd pulled out in front of me 5 miles earlier and failed to reach the speed limit on wide, modern roads until that point. I should have got past him with no problem if he'd maintained his speed and not belatedly discovered his accelerator.

As a believer of the commandment of "thou shalt not use lanes to the right unless overtaking" a plague upon those who tailgate during legitimate overtaking as though they are rushing with utmost urgency, then loiter in your blindspot after pulling in left so that you can't maintain speed and have a gap to overtake again and are then forced into slowing down for the lorry ahead.

May the licences of those who fail to accelerate to merge on to motorways/ dual carriageways at the pace of the traffic flow and do so at 40mph turn into lumps of salt.

You got it in one. How often am I sat like a lemon because you can't just assume the people not signalling as they enter from the right are actually going first exit, but they ALL ARE!

It's such a shame that cars don't come with some in built way of indicating the turn you plan to make isn't it, you stupid, lazy, dangerous waste-of-space shartgoblins.

Much smiting and heavy penance on them please GoD.

Tail gaiting.

Driving too fast and too slow.

Dangerous over taking esp with cyclists and on vends.

People who don't realise that the little lines on the road before a mini roundabout mean you should give way. Technically you may be correct as you're coming from my right but if I'm already pulling out when you bomb it over the lines from nowhere then that makes you a knob.

Pillocks who speed up behind you when you've pulled out of a side road just so they can let you know how pissed off they are that you dare to be in front of them.

YES!!

Do they not see the queue of cars and wonder why the other lane is empty? Do they think we’re all queuing for fun?! Do they not care? I loathe having to let cars in who have zoomed to the top of the queue and not paid their dues by waiting 😂

People not signalling when they’re turning left on a roundabout are the bane of my life in the morning - so many times I’m left waiting when I could easily have nipped out because I thought they were going straight on.

I’ll also add people on rural A roads, where people are generally doing 60 or close to it, coming to a COMPLETE HALT to turn left. Bonus points when they do this for a road at the bottom of a hill so everyone coming over the brow of the hill has to emergency stop to avoid a pile up. Slow down, sure - but there’s never anyone turning out of the road which you can see clearly for ages ahead, so you really don’t have to stop before you turn into it. If HGVs and tractors can turn left while continuing to move forward I’m sure your Fiat Punto can.

People who turn right on roundabouts from the left hand lane (in the absence of this being specifically allowed by lane markings). I’ve come to expect it on roundabouts with 3 roads, but they’ve started doing it on busy 4-road roundabouts- those drivers are straight to hell no second chances.

Also big roundabout designers where the lane is marked for road 1, but the lane markings lead you into road 2 and you have to shove your way (patiently indicate) to switch lanes to get to road 1, despite originally getting into the correct lane.