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Original poster

When I become the God of Driving... the sins I will punish include....

219 replies

GerbilsForever24 · 04/08/2023 00:17

Lane drifting will be an instant smiting - relatively minor, equivalent of a quick electric shock. Lane drifting while in the middle of an intersection will be a major smiting - think heavens open and lightning bolts down
to the woman who did this to me today: if I get a fine because I had to brake suddenly to let you in and was then stuck on the yellow block, I'll be sending you virtual smiting until I become the God of Driving (GoD)

Anyone who wants to drive a car bigger than a old fashioned regular car will need a SECOND license - one that proves they CAN in fact drive such a big car and will not be completely terrorised by car parks or narrow roads. This test will include ensuring they can pull out of parking spaces without a 17 point turn that takes 3 minutes, and that exiting a car park with perfectly normal turns such as the 45 degrees required at the car park I was at today are, in fact, easily achieved and do not cause complete panic. Similarly, in the case of a normal road in which there is a lane in each direction, drivers will be expected to manage this, even if there are things on the pavement or bushes alongside the road.

Drivers who have to pull right in order to make a left hand turn will immediately find a large D for Dummy appearing on their forehead and their cars. this will only fade when the habit is broken.

I'll also reserve a special place in my GoD hell for driving instructors who allow their learners to travel on busy roads, at busy times, at significantly below the speed limit.

Anything else I should be considering as I prepare to take on my deity status?

OP posts:
marshmallowfinder · 04/08/2023 03:29

Car related spelling mistakes. It's kerb and braking (unless the car is being dismantled, in which case it is breaking...)

Igmum · 04/08/2023 05:40

Yes to tailgating for the smiting list! Some cars and lorries are so close I've wondered whether we need contraception. (And no, I'm not driving ridiculously slowly.) No chance of stopping in a crisis.

MerelyPlaying · 04/08/2023 05:54

People who ignore the ‘lane closed ahead’ sign and overtake all the people filtering in, and then try and force their way in at the head of the queue.

People (possibly the same ones, so only one smiting will be needed) who ignore the filter lanes on motorways when there’s a queue and then brake on the main carriageway so they can join it at the last minute (M11 to M25 junction, Thou knowst who they art, O God of Driving)

SquashPenguin · 04/08/2023 05:57

That a vehicle going uphill has right of way, even if the parked car/ cyclist whatever is on their side.

Stickycurrantbun · 04/08/2023 06:09

People who park on the zig zags near crossings because they can't be bothered to walk an extra few yards when dropping their kids off at school. It's lazy, dangerous and illegal.

People who sit in their car right outside school with their car engine running for ages, polluting the air for the children walking past, because they're selfishly prioritising their own comfort with air con / heating on.

People who park their cars across 2 parking spaces.

ShiteRider · 04/08/2023 06:13

People who don’t understand the concept of zip merging and hold everyone up, special punishment to those who block both lanes.

People who don’t understand that it’s legal for motorcyclists to split lanes and try and block them.

Middle lane hoggers.

People who can’t use a roundabout properly.

People who drive in the countryside but don’t know how big their car is and can’t reverse.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 04/08/2023 06:20

People who get impatient with learner drivers or drivers who are going within the speed limit

Tilllly · 04/08/2023 06:26

Those wankpuffins that pull out of a side road, causing me to brake, then drive 10mph under the speed limit
Their tyres should deflate

MrsJamin · 04/08/2023 06:28

Anyone who has tried to knock DH off his bike - and I mean aggressive intentional knocks when he was just cycling and obeying the rules of the road. Special place in hell for them.

yogasaurus · 04/08/2023 06:31

People who drive in the middle of country lanes then think you need to pull over to pass, when there is plenty of room for two cars the whole length of road.

yogasaurus · 04/08/2023 06:32

Tilllly · 04/08/2023 06:26

Those wankpuffins that pull out of a side road, causing me to brake, then drive 10mph under the speed limit
Their tyres should deflate

and this.

Also people that can’t look at the roundabout as they approach it, but have to get to the end and stop then look.

Changinglegs · 04/08/2023 06:33

As a pedestrian drivers who drive through pedestrian crossings when I’m waiting to cross, or drive behind or in front when I’m part way across (no middle island). Ditto red lights for

Those who don’t signal do I have no idea if I can cross a side road.

spanieleyes · 04/08/2023 06:40

Drivers who overtake into the carefully calculated space I have left between myself and the car in front causing me to have to slam on my brakes to avoid collision need to be relegated to the fifth circle of hell.

thatsn0tmyname · 04/08/2023 06:42

Drivers who use their phones. Terrifies me, so bloody dangerous.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/08/2023 06:43

Round here.... the many idiots who either exit roundabouts while still indicating right ...

... Or indicate left while carrying on around said roundabout

Overtakers who drive right up the,arse of the car they are overtaking, before they pull out (c.v. ExH).

DaisyThistle · 04/08/2023 06:43

OP are you my husband?

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 04/08/2023 06:46

We’re regularly retesting anyone over 75.

DanaScully53 · 04/08/2023 06:46

Pavement parkers. Grass verge parkers. May they and their precious vehicles go up in flames.

Arsehole speeders need to meet a great big tree.

Can I be a judge and sentencer 🙏

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 06:48

The thread I have been waiting for! I drive 2-3k a month for work plus my own mileage and the shit I see is madness!

Zipper merging. There is a roundabout up to the m1 at junction 15a (think it's the a34) that's having some work and is one lane. I've avoided it since my first encounter but went on it the other day and again was horrid. First time, there is 100yrds of queuing so not much and all on right hand lane so I go to zipper merge and this guy at the top stops me and is staring at me like I just spat in his face. Very threatening. Me being me, I ask him if he is ok hun. He turns his music up and looks away once he realises I cannot be threatened. But it scared me a little so I avoided since until This week where the queue was bigger but from where I joined the roundabout, I'm already half way through the queue and zipper merging is correct but also people can think you're that prick cutting in so it's incredibly awkward for my rule bound brain - do I do what's correct or socially correct meaning everyone queues for twice as long? So... I continue slowly and awkwardly in the left lane. A lorry blocks me so I stop. Fine. Then a G4S security van comes behind tailgating, beeping and flashing. I cannot get past the lorry and he knows this. The car next to me has a laugh with me about where he expects me to go and they let me in. The van goes and argues with the lorry but is allowed to pass. I watch the lorry do it to more cars. He is the current god of driving and he needs replacing. Thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

So zipper merging to be done
No lane hogging - this is endemic
Go at the safe speed for the road, not what you fancy doing
No tailgating - can you react in time if a cow falls out of the lorry in front?
Just be nice
Plan ahead by looking at the road (open your fucking eyes)
Read the road signs
Be nice to cyclists - we all have the same right to use the road and responsibility to take care
Stay in your assigned lane

I drive what is essentially a kids car. Stereotypically it is a car for people who cannot drive and react slowly but it is a work car that I did not pick. People treat me a certain way on the road purely because of this.

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 06:50

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 04/08/2023 02:17

People who drive nose-in to parking spaces, then create mayhem because it takes them a month to reverse out.

But you need to do this in a busy shopping centre to get your trolley stuff in. Otherwise you leave a trolley unattended and walk to the back of the car loads.

Freshair1 · 04/08/2023 06:50

People driving at 50mph in the left hand land of a motorway. Just give up already!

Hayliebells · 04/08/2023 06:51

People who indicate misleadingly early. I got a torrent of abuse from a woman as I was turning left out of a side road onto a main road, as I nearly drove into the side of her car. I nearly drove into her as she was indicating left before she approached the site road, so I quite reasonably thought she was turning into the side road that I was waiting to turn out of. She wasn't, she was indicating to turn into a drive just after the side road. The fact that she'd indicated too early was completely lost on her. She should be made to take her test again.

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 06:52

Also if someone is waiting at a roundabout and you're turning off, indicate so they can go. Indicate anyway.

thinkkook · 04/08/2023 06:58

People who don't notice the lights have changed and don't go!

greenteaandmarshmallows · 04/08/2023 06:59

FlamingYam · 04/08/2023 06:52

Also if someone is waiting at a roundabout and you're turning off, indicate so they can go. Indicate anyway.

I'm wondering if that's a generational thing? I was definitely told to indicate but I'm not sure my parents were