I'm stuck in the loo forever now aren't I?

[YesitsBess]

TW, bloody huge gallopy fucking spider.

I was having a nice day. I worked from home, had a nice dinner, settled down to watch a film with nary a care in the World.

During intermission I decided to go to the loo, and somehow managed to not see THIS WANKER until I was on the throne so to speak. She's approximately the size of a labrador.

She's frozen, I'm frozen.

I live here now don't I?

That's not a she - it'll be a male spider.

Needs a boys name.

Oh dear. Ariadne is living forever with me now. That would be OK, but she keeps laying eggs and the family is multiplying. My house is going to look like Miss Havisham's place.

I suggest you be very careful. If she starts surfing the "web" and getting mail at your house, she will have squatters rights, and you could end up being responsible for paying to get her an artificial leg. Made to give her a room of her and regular meals. Then you'll fight over TV shows, music, books. It could get very unpleasant.

I'm glad you asked. Yes I am alive, I just decided to have a little sleep whilst Sister Mary Funsponge and the Order of the Infinite judgement had a little romp around the thread.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

As an aside, having RTFT, am I the only one intrigued that OP takes her phone to the loo? Im wondering why

I take mine everywhere. I have an irrational fear of being locked in and unable to summon help. It stems from a real incident which happened out of the house, but I still keep my phone with me at all times now because it seems rather weird not to carry something so incredibly useful.

Massive? She may be pregnant. What's the gestation period for house spiders?

By morning you may have a whole new family to support 😬

Godspeed old Sport. Godspeed.

I've temporarily solved the issue by evicting him/her to the other end of the corridor. There is a vacant flat there so the seven legged squatter can live there.

Apparently putting it outside is also murder so now it's someone else's problem.

I am really sorry, @YesitsBess, but since I fully intend to win the Omaze lottery for the house near Knaresborough, you'll have to settle for the lottery. I don't make the rules - sorry.

When I was a teenager, I sang in my church choir and I still shudder at the memory of having a spider run up my face, in the middle of the second verse of We Plough the Fields and Scatter. It was the Harvest Festival service, and the church had been decorated with lots of home grown produce, and this fecker had clearly crawled out of the fruit and veg that had been piled along the bottom of the choir stalls.

And then when I was in hospital, after having ds1, I got cornered in the loo by a wasp. I was just wearing a short nightie, and my pants were, obviously, round my ankles, and I was terrified that it would fly up and sting me right on my episiotomy stitches - which hurt like a bastard as it was. Like you, I had no glasses, hoovers, brushes, slippers or any other weapons to hand.

Hang on.

HANG ON.

I don't know if I didn't look at this properly yesterday (I had a lot going on) and I have an awful lot to say about that picture but the first thing that came to mind was: is that a green velvet scrunchie? That's colour is delightful! Where is it from?

Not keen on the decorative arachnid obviously.

I've got visons of this. I'm really hoping there was no ostrich feather trim involved, imagine trying to untangle all those legs from that!

"Not keen on the decorative arachnid obviously."

😂 It's one of a multi pack I got from Amazon (the scrunchie, not the arachnid):

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07RLJBB1N/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Oh for a video of your Scream Queen audition! 😂

I completely understand, I'm not sure what I'd do with a house there anyway, other than use it as a postal address to send spiders to, so it's for the best we work it that way this month.

I am definitely not laughing everso slightly at your harvest bastard and pants wasp story.

Not me.

Imagine getting into a fight over the remote with someone with 7 limbs?

We'd never get anything done.

@UnctuousUnicorns thankyou! An excellent price, and a variety of colours to keep my spiders on.

Perhaps they should be marketed as cosy, colourful cushions for the pet spider in ones life, rather than hair scrunchies? 🤔

I like your thinking. MERCHANDISE THE PROBLEM!

We could train spiders to sit on them for Halloween outfits.

@YesitsBess I take it witness relocation have arrived and you're en route to a new residence?

I foresee a trip to the tropics; to obtain a good assortment of varying colours of arachnids, to coordinate them on their wee cushions. 😍 🕷️ #cuteandstylish #customswhatcustoms

I've temporarily solved the issue by evicting him/her to the other end of the corridor. There is a vacant flat there so the seven legged squatter can live there

And what if it was appreciating the company?
You might at least think of the implications for the spider, OP, before making life-altering decisions like this for it

And since folk are still here, a question ... why do so many suggest sucking them up in a hoover? Isn't it obvious they can easily scuttle back up the tube?
Worse still if the hoover has one of these clear plastic tanks, because then you can SEE it glaring at you and plotting ...

No, you’ve needlessly killed it.

Good question, I'm going to Google that because I don't know the answer to that question except that maybe they evolved like everything else and adapted to living inside buildings as and when? Most creatures like and need shelter of some sort!

Yes. I want those YMCA dancing ones for parties.

Thankyou! I mean, arachnids are pretty ancient aren't they, so they must have been something else before they decided houses were where it's at?

I've only just seen your thread @YesitsBess but I'm bloody terrified of spiders and I've just literally laughed out loud whilst sitting on the loo yes I take my phone to the loo. Who doesn't)
You have an awesome sense of humour and style of writing!