I'm stuck in the loo forever now aren't I?

[YesitsBess]

TW, bloody huge gallopy fucking spider.

I was having a nice day. I worked from home, had a nice dinner, settled down to watch a film with nary a care in the World.

During intermission I decided to go to the loo, and somehow managed to not see THIS WANKER until I was on the throne so to speak. She's approximately the size of a labrador.

She's frozen, I'm frozen.

I live here now don't I?

Even better! I bought the spider a flat with my absolutely certain winnings from the lottery.

• *I did a little instant win game whilst getting my ticket and won a fiver so perhaps the Portuguese are onto something?

I hope you read the whole thing before entering the throne room and are suitably armed with a terrier and some mayonnaise.

One can not be underprepared for these things.

I think I maybe still hold the prize for time taken to remove a pair of tights...while pulling them up I felt something in one leg so glanced down only to see a lump move on one side and very quickly realised that it was an arachnid 😱We lived in a prefabricated house at the time and they lived in the walls! They got into EVERYTHING, the baby's pram (proper big Silver Cross job!) the cupboards, even the beds sometimes, the covers had to be pulled right back for inspection before getting in 😳 When I got up in the night to get a bottle for the baby there would be 3 or 4 of them gambolling around on the kitchen floor having a bit of a jolly!! Looking back I don't know how I even managed to stay there?! 🤔🙄

@Cariadm a jolly you say?

Like some kind of spider...what are Scottish parties sometimes called. Hurly? Hooley?

@UnctuousUnicorns help.

It always seemed strange to see more than one at a time so that's maybe why it looked like they were having a party! Or perhaps it was a meeting to decide what other places they could hide and scare the bejesus out of me?! 🙄

There's a poster on another thread who wrote a book which isn't doing great. Maybe she should switch to writing for film and this can be her inspiration?

Cue big build up music ...

Meet Molly. Seven legged spider from the wrong side of the tracks. On the hunt for love and ready to scare the bejeesus out of anyone who gets in her way.

Meet @YesitsBess. Two legged human with only a wicked sense of humour and the support of mumsnet to get her through.

What will happen when their worlds collide ?

An epic tale of fear, naked wrestling and (maybe) mayonnaise. Coming to a cinema near you for Halloween.

@WishiwasinChiantishire Sold!

I would like to be played by Woody Harrelson.

Would it make you feel better if I told you it was 40ish years ago and I had no idea it was a 'house' spider. I only knew them as plughole spiders.
Also google didn't exist back then.
Seeing as I'm in my 50s now and better informed, do you not think I have a right to try and protect spiders just doing what they do?

The plot thickens! OP has fled to the allotment and is surviving on runner beans and mayonnaise... while sitting on a stool.

You all need this thread, where the amazing @Honeydragon literally twatted a spider to death!

Hahahahaaaaa! Didn't she come back for a bit because she couldn't turn her shoes off?

I'm currently considering going and finding...whatever we're calling it, and taking it one block over. We have a new neighbour who is labouring under the misapprehension that the whole place enjoys KPop blared at festival sound levels for hours on end as much as they seem to.

Their windows are wide open so I reckon I can get the spider up there by means of helium balloon or trebuchet.

Oh. My. God.

You have literally made my day with this - why did I never know about this thread until now 😂

A "Hoolie" is really windy weather It's blawin' a hoolie oot there

A hooley is also the Irish/Scottish word for party.

West Yorkshire!!
Big fucker..

Another thanks to SDTG for the link - that's a brilliant thread. I laughed my arse off at 'oi! I'm not rentafoof!'

And to the OP of this thread - your posting style is fantastic - I've been sniggering away at various bits.

Excellent work on Hoolie's. We have one of the weather kind here today. I hope it doesn't encourage more guests...

How did you manage to take the photo while you were on the loo?
Do people take their phones in the loo?
Hope they clean them after.. like washing your hands.
I couldn't take mine..
It's like keeping toothbrushes covered.

Yes people take their phones to the loo. Although as previously mentioned, had I take my book instead I may not have had the problem in the first place.

And @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I won a fiver on the lotto! Did you win two bricks on the Omaze draw yet?

You wipe your arse with your hand, that's why you wash them.

Let's assume nobody is holding their phone in their wiping hand, it makes everything so less dramatic.

Not yet, sadly. I have hedged my bets by entering the Euromillions lottery tomorrow - I’m certain to win that, aren’t I?

I'm sticking with Thunderball this week so you're a certain for Euromillions. Have you collected any Portuguese spiders as I find these help?

And then using it as a toothbrush.

Also, I tend to use loo roll but am looking into one of those fancy bidet things for after I win the Lotto with my lucky Portuguese spider.

I use toilet roll... [Grin]

@Mysa74

Well yes, but the point was your phone is not in your hand whilst doing so.