Middle class, aspirational parenting. Why is it loathed on mumsnet?

[Moonandstarz]

Why is aspirational parenting slagged off on mumsnet so much? Surely every child deserves at least one person who will push & advocate for them? Would the country not be in a much better place if all parents were slightly or a lot pushier for their dc?

Is it a middle class thing?

🤔is it middle class?

I think most of us are selfless enough to worry about the children left behind in this scenario. ALL children deserve and need an advocate, they all have potential, they are all valuable.

I have no issues with aspiration providing it's not setting the child up to fail.

I can see people with money have the opportunity to provide more experiences but anyone can be motivational surely?

Actually no. The country would be better if we took a collective responsibility for all children - and if 'middleclass' parents (who mostly already do advocate/push for their kids) actually used their positions of relative affluence/privilege to make things better for all children.

I'd even be so bold as to suggest that the rise of the pushy middle class parent (so able to move to access best schools, awareness of how the system works, academic boost of children by being born into relative privilege) has widened the structural inequalities in the country.

Because being middle class is loathed.

Well said, @MrsFrisbyMouse. Private education is a real problem in contributing to inequality.

OP, explain precisely what you mean by ‘aspirational’ parenting? What is being aspired to?

Because anything that is ‘perceived’ as (not necessarily is) MC is automatically loathed by a certain section of MNers. It’s hardly unknown for the very term ‘middle class’ to be used as a form of abuse.

Yes, change needs to take place on a societal level in order for all children to be supported. Not many parents are going to pay for private tutoring for other people's children.

I don't think t's a "true" middle class thing because the old-style middle class don't need to be pushy.

But I think that in education, sports, extra-curriculars, the thing that is disliked is parents "gaming" the system, or behaving like "Dance Moms" - basically trying to gain advantage by putting other children & families down, or buying advantage, instead of just working hard, being disciplined, and being polite & generous.

That's just nasty behaviour. And ultimately, if you manipulate or buy your way into something, rather than using talent & ability, it will backfire at some point.

I suspect it’s the performance parenting that often comes with pushy parents that irritates posters on here.

Yes, the working class aren’t really bothered 🙄

I don't see anything wrong with aspirational parenting.

However, I don't equate that with being "pushy".

I’d imagine part of what’s loathed is supercilious parents thinking that having aspirations for your children and wanting them to do well is somehow connected to your class. Most parents want their children to do well and be successful. Some parents, particularly if they came from less advantaged backgrounds themselves, sometimes lack the nous, cultural capital and social confidence which means they and their children get pushed out of the way by other more sharp-elbowed parents who do have these things and then use the “well, my children have done well because I’m middle class and I care, those working class parents don’t care” rather than acknowledge the reality.

Bloody hell, I consider Mumsnet to be the home of the aspirational, 'pushy' parent. So many threads from posters who want their kids to do specific a levels against their wishes or go to 'RG' universities they have no interest in.

What do you mean OP? What some see as aspirational, others will see as basic and more again will see as undue pressure.

Because it’s often competitive and selfish. You can advocate for your child without being pretentious and antisocial.

Because being aspirational (irrespective of class) is looked down on, all children should suffer and have to fight their way through life to build their resilience.
Of course we should be supporting and have aspirations for ALL children however not all parents care/have any aspirations for their DC and there is zero recognition of that on MN. There is a serious issue with the availability of resources that enable all DC to access enriching activities etc however I am not going to hold my DD back by not having her access these things.
On MN though that equates to producing lazy DC who have never had to work hard and don't have any awareness of their privilege 🙄.

I thought it was aspirational middle classes accused of this, so not quite there yet. Lower middles at a push but don't scrape below the surface and ask where they went to school or the occupations of their parents

Are you using "aspirational" to mean "devil take the hindmost" parenting? Because I see a lot of that on here-people who try to game they system to get their children more advantage than they already have. The discussions about contextual offers for university often bring this type out. To me, middle class doesn't carry any value judgement-it just means the background you come from, the language you use...

Why do we assume that being a good parent is middle class?

Everything good or healthy is seen as middle class these days.

Forest school, home made food and/or organic food, reading, museums and trips to the countryside, learning an instrument, engaging well with school = middle class

Endless screens, council tea, smoking round kids, arguing with teachers = working class

It's a shit distinction and leads to WC kids thinking that education and aspiration are not for them. We need to get rid of these idiotic perceptions.

Eh? Inequality is a systemic problem. Individual parents respond to circumstances as best they can.

Eg - in an understaffed, underresourced hospital it is in your child's best interests to advocate and be a pain in the arse if necessary to ensure your child gets the right care. A child without parents who can do that will be in a worse position.

That's not right but you couldn't blame a parent for doing all they could do to ensure their child's health condition was treated properly. The systemic issue - underfunding of the health service - leads to individuals acting in that way.

The same with schools. Systemic issue - not enough school places, some schools failing, problems with discipline etc. Individual response - parents move to secure best schools, pay for private etc.

The real thing is that social mobility should imply that some children move down the class/wealth structure as well as others moving up. But no one wants their kids to do less well than themselves.

Oh puhlease. At least half of MN posters (especially the aspirational ones) are common-as-muck proles.

It takes more than a manicure and a plastic scraper in the lav, to shove little Jake into Oxford.

I don't understand this class thing as opposed to financial status, and I don't see it much in real life....

@OfficerPastiche

If you don't see class, it might be because you don't move out of your own very much.

One week, I sat in a baby group in one of the most deprived postcodes in the country, the next day I sat in a meeting with a minister.

There is a huge cultural difference between the top and bottom of this country.