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Original poster

Why are so many women afraid of going anywhere on their own?

207 replies

GeriKellmansUpdo · 24/04/2023 09:02

That's the impression I get from many threads on MN anyway. Afraid of going out for a meal alone, going to a cafe alone, going to the movies alone, travelling alone, without a partner or friends. The reality is we are all going to be alone at some point in our lives.

If you are ND, this thread is not for you. Am talking only about NT women.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 24/04/2023 13:16

I've just arranged to meet in a friend for a coffee in a lovely upmarket pub.
She said " I'll meet you in the car park".
She refuses to go in alone as her husband wouldn't like it. This is a woman in her mid 60s.

Original poster
GeriKellmansUpdo · 24/04/2023 13:18

AuntieMarys · 24/04/2023 13:16

I've just arranged to meet in a friend for a coffee in a lovely upmarket pub.
She said " I'll meet you in the car park".
She refuses to go in alone as her husband wouldn't like it. This is a woman in her mid 60s.

I have a friend who is just dying to go away for a girls trip away as she hasn;t been on one for 30 years. No childcare responsibilities. But her husband wouldn't like it, so she doesn't go. Her husband doesn't like to go anywhere, so she just stays at home with him, waiting for him to pass on... ( or so it seems).

OP posts:
AwaaFaeHom · 24/04/2023 13:21

The cinema should be the very definition of an 'unsocial occasion'. Sitting quietly in the dark watching a film isn't social - or certainly shouldn't be!

Fine to go and discuss it afterwards though

Nachobowls · 24/04/2023 13:26

to be honest I don’t like the cinema and I have only ever gone as a social thing with friends or a partner / date I would never chose to go alone as I don’t enjoy it (the cinema) not going alone. So I associate it with being a social thing to do with friends / partners I don’t tell people I don’t like the cinema as most people think it’s weird!

Felixss · 24/04/2023 13:32

I get really annoyed with this friends will want to go the toilet together. Let me have a piss/shit alone. Why do people need vm

Felixss · 24/04/2023 13:32

Why do people need company to empty their bladder and bowels? It's bizarre.

Jellytotsburnmytongue · 24/04/2023 13:33

One of my friends mentioned thinking it was weird that I go to the cinema alone sometimes, and enjoy going out for breakfast or lunch alone. I said I think it's weirder that she doesn't, because there's a lot more freedom in just being able to take yourself places when you want to go rather than waiting for arrangements to be made.

The reason she won't is because apparently it makes it look like you have no friends 🤷 she even said if she seen me sitting in a coffee shop alone, and she didn't know me she'd ask if I wanted to sit with her and her friends. Which is very nice of her, but I told her I'd hate it if someone did that as I value my alone time. I have lots of friends, and I do enjoy doing things with them, but sometimes I like to be alone and not have to talk to People.

2bazookas · 24/04/2023 13:44

@ DelurkingAJ · Today 09:13
Sometimes it’s experience. I spent a summer working in Europe when I was in my early 20s. I gave up on going for coffee alone because I was reliably interrupted by men of about 30 every 20 minutes or so and would have to be fairly rude before they would go away

Me too, except I was only 17. I got pretty good at being rude enough to make pests go away; a lifeskill that has stood me in good stead ever since.

IrritableVowel · 24/04/2023 13:51

I agree OP

One of the accounts I follow on insta, a woman who travels for work, comes across as confident in other areas etc, always books a hotel with room service because she won't eat alone when working away.

I might take MN a book with me to read, but I am happy to sit alone for a couple of hours in the hotel bar.

I'd prefer having company for a lot of things, but happy to go alone for food, cinema, exhibitions etc if I fancy it

Lookingoutside · 24/04/2023 14:00

Because they can’t let go of what others people think and/or, they’re not present or aware without other people to react to.

tedgran · 24/04/2023 14:01

I happily use public transport at night and walk from the bus stop on my own. Been doing it for years. Don't mind eating on my own either.

Lookingoutside · 24/04/2023 14:02

GeriKellmansUpdo · 24/04/2023 13:18

I have a friend who is just dying to go away for a girls trip away as she hasn;t been on one for 30 years. No childcare responsibilities. But her husband wouldn't like it, so she doesn't go. Her husband doesn't like to go anywhere, so she just stays at home with him, waiting for him to pass on... ( or so it seems).

Show quote history

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I just……..

Cakencookieobsessed · 24/04/2023 14:05

I'm not really afraid of doing those things alone ,it's just I've got no desire to. I don't see the point in taking myself out for a meal when I could just get a takeaway at home. Things like going to the movies and nice meals out are something I see as a social event or something to do with a partner. I couldn't be bothered if it was just me. If I was working and going into a cafe on my lunch break alone, that's different. I wouldn't like to travel alone as I don't feel confident going to new places alone and I've got a terrible sense of direction.

BellePeppa · 24/04/2023 14:38

mamnotmum · 24/04/2023 12:26

Generally cos it's lone woman who get raped, murdered and attacked?!

This isn’t about going out alone late at night though, I thought the thread was just general going out. Women not wanting to go on a bus or train during the day seems very strange.

Couscousmoose · 24/04/2023 14:40

rape ans sexual assault will do wonders for your self confidence, in fact, I'd even go as far to say that the 'right' kind of sexual assault can leave a woman scared to go out alone for life.

Couscousmoose · 24/04/2023 14:42

BellePeppa · 24/04/2023 14:38

This isn’t about going out alone late at night though, I thought the thread was just general going out. Women not wanting to go on a bus or train during the day seems very strange.

Show quote history

Well I was sexually assaulted on a busy bus in road daylight infront of about 12 people, I was 12. Rebelled as a teen but didn't seem worth it after I had children.

SallyWD · 24/04/2023 14:48

Are they actually afraid or is it just a feeling of social awkwardness? The fear of looking like billy no mates. I know plenty of men who won't do it either. Not me - I love my own company.

AwaaFaeHom · 24/04/2023 14:57

Are they actually afraid or is it just a feeling of social awkwardness? The fear of looking like billy no mates.

Are they afraid - or is the the fear of looking like billy-no-mates...

I think I know what you mean, but you aren't helping yourself by asking are they afraid or is it fear...

For some people, there will be genuine fear because of past trauma. For others, they just don't want to (although it could be argued that some might not want to due to the kind of social conditioning mentioned in the last of these three options). For others it will be to do with stepping out into the unknown and the kind of trepidation that goes with that - in part because many of us have grown up with the social model, even if it's not explicitly stated, that its ok for men to go out on their own, but not for women.

AuntieMarys · 24/04/2023 14:58

GeriKellmansUpdo · 24/04/2023 13:18

I have a friend who is just dying to go away for a girls trip away as she hasn;t been on one for 30 years. No childcare responsibilities. But her husband wouldn't like it, so she doesn't go. Her husband doesn't like to go anywhere, so she just stays at home with him, waiting for him to pass on... ( or so it seems).

Show quote history

I keep telling her he's a controlling twat. He hates me 🤣

Whichnumbers · 24/04/2023 15:00

Not sure where you’re seeing this.

For me its the amount of people that tell me Im brave for going on travelling alone - er no Im not brave - but mostly its woman telling me this not men. I do a lot of stuff on my own, overnight trips and bike trips overnight solo, eating out, have been to the cinema solo - actually this one is easy as you don't chat in the cinema anyway. Eating out alone I often take a phone or book to flick through.

I drove to Portugal from Birmingham last year and spent 6 weeks away, doing exactly what I wanted. The comments from others were varied, but I wonder if the same comment would have been made if I was male?

So agree with OP its a good question to ask, why don't some woman do stuff on their own and why do some woman think its brave? I don't think its brave its FOMO for me.

Whichnumbers · 24/04/2023 15:03

Generally cos it's lone woman who get raped, murdered and attacked?!

most woman who get raped and murdered, its done in their own home usually by someone they know

Jazzabel · 24/04/2023 15:06

When I was younger I was afraid of doing things on my own because I didn’t want to look like a loser with no friends. This changed at some point, not sure when but these days I quite enjoy my own company. Things like going out in the dark by myself I’m fine with but that’s because I’ve had a lot of experience. I can’t drive and I used to live alone so if I didn’t do these things I’d never leave the house and considering it gets dark at 4 in the winter that just wasn’t an option! Never had a bad experience though.

Got a couple of friends who are in their 30s who can’t do anything on their own. They’ve been babied by their parents and partners. I find it really sad actually and can’t understand why they wouldn’t want some independence

Paloma66 · 24/04/2023 15:15

An interesting topic. I'm in my 50s and I am perfectly happy to do things on my own, like the cinema, an exhibition etc. I'm used to eating on my own in restaurants as I used to travel a lot for work. I enjoy doing things with my DH but I don't see the point in sitting through a film in the cinema that I don't want to watch and vice versa.
Perfectly happy to meet friends inside a pub or a restaurant and order a glass of wine while I wait. But I know women who won't do this. They will wait outside a pub or restaurant but wont go in on their own. I find it bizarre. What makes it ok for a man to walk into a pub and order a pint but a woman won't do the same? It does tend to be friends my age or older, not younger friends.

I have one friend who does nothing on her own. She'll go shopping but won't meet for a coffee or lunch etc because her DH wouldn't like it. She is mid 60s but thinks it's the man's place to dictate what she can do. If she buys a piece of clothing and he doesn't like it she takes it back. It's very sad, and she's so dependent on him (not financially) that I worry about what would happen to her if he wasn't around.

blacksax · 24/04/2023 15:26

Where are you seeing all these 'many threads'?

It's not something I've ever found to be noticeable on MN.