Why are so many women afraid of going anywhere on their own?

[GeriKellmansUpdo]

That's the impression I get from many threads on MN anyway. Afraid of going out for a meal alone, going to a cafe alone, going to the movies alone, travelling alone, without a partner or friends. The reality is we are all going to be alone at some point in our lives.

If you are ND, this thread is not for you. Am talking only about NT women.

I'm not afraid of it, and will do it if I'm travelling for work or whatever and so need to, but its just a bit boring going on your own to those things? Also, when I was younger and travelling for work, I couldn't just eat on my own without some random man deciding I looked like I needed company and trying to strike up conversation, join my table, etc. And that is just annoying. (Happens less now I look like a cross between Grotbags and Yoda)

I remember going to the cinema once on my own and the woman selling me the one ticket seemed so sorry for me, going over the top and hoping I enjoyed the film
I'm sure she thought I was some sad lonely person with no friends.

Less boring on your own than never going anywhere? Though I did see a video of a Japanese restaurant where they brought a large human size teddybear to sit next to anyone eating alone! Now that would freak me out.

I think it's a generational thing a lot of the time. I (32) have no problem going to a gig or a restaurant, or, on one occasion, a music festival abroad on my own if there's somewhere I want to go.

My mother (66) is very different - I remember watching a TV show where one of the characters goes to a jazz concert alone (I think it was Samantha in SATC!), and mum commented on how laughably unrealistic it was to show a woman choosing to go out alone because "that would never happen! As if!". So strange.

I actually think it may be the other way around. DD and DS never go anywhere alone. Whereas my 75++ mum does because she is widowed and has no choice. I have to admit she never went anywhere alone when dad was alive.

It’s personality not generation at her age. I’m in my early 60s and there is no way I or my peers are afraid of going anywhere without husbands/partners/other. I don’t mean going off to Borneo on your own just normal activities/entertainments etc.

I'm not particularly fussed about the cinema or meals out. If I'm out somewhere for the day, it doesn't bother me to stop somewhere alone to eat, but I couldn't be arsed to get dressed up to go out and eat alone. Although I have dropped off DC at their evening activities and called in places like nandos alone without even thinking about it.

I do things like hike alone a lot, and get lots of comments about being brave. I've never encountered anything on these walks; and yet I've had rather unsavoury encounters several times whilst walking the dog around the block in broad daylight 🤷‍♀️

Not being goady, but why does it matter? Surely the simple answer is we're all different and make decisions on what we do based on those differences.

We all have different levels of risk perception and appetite. Some enjoy the company of others and others prefer their own company. Some people are more adventurous and like to experience new things and some like a quiet routine life.

Nothing wrong with any of the above.

It matters because the women who say they 'couldn't' go to the cinema alone because people would look at them and think they were friendless or 'sad' are artificially restricting their own lives, as well as buying into the narrative that you're no one alone if . It's not a free decision.

I know what you mean OP. Some people talk about going out alone as if it’s an embarrassing thing to do - as if they’re worried about being judged by others. I’ve never understood that as I’d happily go to most (safe) places alone and wouldn’t think about what others might think of me.

I think lots of things just aren't as much fun/ the same on your own. If I was travelling and needed a meal, I'd happily go to a restaurant alone, but "going out to dinner" is about so much more than the food.

It's true though that women do seem to fall into a role where they require protection. I'm fairly recently widowed, so often it's go on my own or not at all now. I often meet friends for an evening out, for example. In the past DH would have been with me or come to collect me, now I make my own way home and friends are often horrified.

I've recently booked a walking holiday where I'll walk 100 miles over 7 days on my own in UK. TBH I felt I'd checked out a bit my doing it in UK. The first person I toad's response was "On your own, what if something happens?". It's not entirely clear what something might be.

That said, we know the world is a more dangerous place for women. I choose to take different risks to others.

I do/have done all those things alone (apart from the cinema I think), but objectively the UK has lots of criminals who are doing bad stuff every day. Having seen the inside of the justice system, I don't think there is any deterrent for them to stop committing crimes. So it is rational to feel unsafe I think.

Generally cos it's lone woman who get raped, murdered and attacked?!

Going with that thought women come to more harm with people they know than strangers

I’m not going into details here as it might be too identifying. I posted earlier that I’ll walk home alone after a night out. A first degree relative of mine was murdered by a stranger. I take reasonable precautions, but I’m not going to live my life in fear.

I’ve travelled and lived alone all over the world.

It remains true that statistically the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done is live with a male domestic partner. Like all women, by far my greatest risk of rape or murder is from men I know, not random attacks.

The fear of random attack is one encouraged by the patriarchy and its handmaidens to control women.

I know what you mean OP. A ‘friend’ in my first year at university would come to my room and wait for me to go to lectures together.

i never asked this. I did sport in the mornings and frequently ran late. She would sit and wait for me, complaining I was making her late. She could have gone ahead (I’d have preferred this) but never did. Social anxiety of entering a room alone I assume.

when friends were getting married I got invited to a wedding in Italy. I booked and went. Spent the whole weekend fielding surprised and sometimes downright hostile questioning about ‘who had I come with? NOONE? Gosh, that’s so BRAVE’

looking back i think the former work colleague friend that invited me expected me to turn down the invite as I was single.

i was made to feel rude and inconvenient for making the trip by myself.

as I ran my own business at the time and often did many more daunting trips abroad alone it never crossed my mind not to go, nor to coordinate with some of her friends who I knew a bit but not enough to want to spend a weekend with them.

id much rather be alone than with people I don’t adore.

bur some people cannot stand their own company or are too worried about how others see them (not realising people don’t care) to ever do anything alone.

their loss

I suppose I should have made it more clear in my OP that it excludes safety concerns. Not well framed.

That said, I agree most women are more likely to be attacked by their partners.

I find it really sad that people will miss out on stuff rather than go alone. It's not only women though! My ex had never travelled anywhere abroad until recently because he never had anyone to go with, whereas I've rarely had anyone to go with, so have travelled extensively on my own. I've had a 6'4" reformed hard man body builder tell me he couldn't go travelling because he had no one to go with, and men arrange to meet me outside pubs on dates because they didn't want to go inside on their own!

But yes, I'm sure it's more common in women. I've been told I'm "so brave" so frequently one of my core beliefs is, in fact, that I'm really brave . I'm in a women's outdoor adventure group on Facebook, and there are frequent posts from "new adventurers" along the lines of "First night in a campsite alone in my life, sooo nervous, what should I take?" With a follow up post a couple of days later, invariably "Wow, I did it and it was AMAZING, so proud of myself!"

To be honest, I missed out on a lot when I was younger because my dh didn't really want to do much. I'd book things to do and places to go and then he'd back out (no idea why. Just preferred being at home)
I always just cancelled as it didn't occur to me to go by myself. Until one day, it did.
Now I do loads by myself or just me and the kids.
(I have friends who can't take their kids out by themselves)

What's with the NT ND thing in the OP? I'm very happy to do things on my own but I'm naturally an extrovert so other people are good too.
Never had issues eating out on my own, walking places, going to the theatre etc

I also strongly suspect I have inattentive ADHD, but I have no idea what bearing that has on this.

Im ND. Totally fine about going to places on my own in the daytime. But after dark............ nope.

Reason? Men. Im wary of men. The possibility of being attacked by a man.

I was also intrigued by the distinguish desire by OP to only include NT people and not ND people in this conversation.

Is it because as someone with ADHD I actually am more likely to go out alone? Due to being impulsive and be less aware of risky situations I wonder or because I'm a bit shit with realising it's not socially acceptable to be alone? I'm not goading btw, I'm interested in the hypothesis behind choosing to differentiate.

(I actually love going for dinner solo)

That's a fair argument and not goady. I didn't mean to be ableist though it clearly reads that way. I just meant that certain conditions may make it more difficult to go out alone. For instance, my nephew is autistic and doesn't go out alone. On the other hand, my DD is not, and still doesn't go out alone because it seems to be socially unacceptable in young women.

I just didn't want thread to be derailed.

I wouldn't enjoy going for a meal or to the cinema alone. They're social experiences to me and ten times better with other people.

There's a gorgeous little local cocktail bar with small garden and roof terrace. It's the perfect place to sit or write and so quiet compared to places like Costa. Yet every time I went alone Id have random men trying to hit on me, the last one sat at my table and wouldn't leave, so I don't bother any more.