If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

[Motherofamonkey]

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

My second child is ND. No way I’d have another. I love him, but he’s so utterly draining.

I had two born a year apart so didn't know 🤷

I didn't know till younger two were already here.
I have two with asd and they often struggle with each other because they both like things a certain way and this is often opposite to each other.

This thread is incredibly uncomfortable.
I’m glad my parents had me (ND) after having my ND sibling. Sounds like a lot of the people on here think ND lives are worth less than their ideal child.

I didn’t know as dc was still a toddler but I would have had one more if I could have.

I find this thread a bit offensive to be honest. All children can be bloody difficult, a neurodiverse child isn't some sort of curse. Don't get me wrong, it can be hard. But I do feel it's offensive to suggest that most people with one neurodiverse child shouldn't or couldn't have another.

I don't think the OP is saying that at all.

She is trying to work out what the impact of a third child would be on the current family situation. She clearly loves *both of her children equally.

@Boxin I don't think anyone is suggesting that ND people's lives are less valuable, simply that raising a ND child is typically (much) more challenging and demanding than raising a NT child. I think most parents would find caring for several children more of a struggle if one or more of those children were ND, so it's reasonable to reassess what the best family size is in light of existing children's needs. Not because those children are worth less, but simply because they are likely to require more intensive support than a NT child, which may be harder to provide if there are several siblings competing for resources.

How many people or children are neuro divergent in some way? I get the impression it is many. Also children often just come along, not planned.

No, not worth less but families need support and it's just not there, remember that some ND children are completely and utterly dependant on their parents, my son will never be capable of living alone, working, have friends, talk, none of what his elder two siblings we be capable off.
What his future will be keeps me awake at night in fear for him.

@Boxin I read it as (probably ND themselves) parents taking a Vulcan logic approach to the effect on their existing children of introducing another / more others.

FWIW I'm ND, I have a ND child with relatively significant support needs, and I'd have a whole string more if my body would cooperate.

I had a large age gap- my eldest child is autistic and I had my second DC when he was 16 and had matured enough to cope, and much of the nightmare of diagnosis, appointments and EHCPs were behind me. Couldn't have managed it when he was younger. DC1 had a different dad so genetic likelihood of DC2 being autistic was different - honestly I'm not sure if I'd gone ahead if it had run strongly in both families.

I'm autistic so I don't think an autistic child is worth less, but that doesn't mean I'd want the stress of juggling 2 young autistic dc. Raising DC1 (mostly as a single parent) took all my energy and resources, I couldn't have given a DC2 enough attention so it wouldn't have been fair. DC1 was far more difficult in the preteen/teen years too.

Why wouldn’t I?

I have 3 dc.

eldest has severe ASD and learning difficulties. It was clear from around 7 months old that development was not following my a typical path.

I had dc2 when dc1 was 2.5

dc2 also has ASD. Actually dc’s as Asperger’s, back when that existed.

I would have had dc3 with a similar age gap, but exH was struggling was we waited. I had dc3 when dc1 was 8, and dc2 was 6.

dc3 also has ASD, as it happens.

I wouldn’t be without any of them.

I had another child after my ND child because I knew I could cope and I thought it would be good for them to have a sibling. If my child needed a lot more time or support than they do I probably wouldn't have had another child. I think it's probably very dependent on the ND child's needs. For my child having a younger sibling has been beneficial.

To be fair it's the title of this thread I find offensive, not what's written in the OP. I think it's sensible for anyone to think about whether they have the energy to add another child given whatever challenges they are already facing, whether those are to do with being ND or something else.

We didn't know as ds1 was still quite young. Not sure how it would've impacted our decision if we had known. It's tough juggling the needs of a ND and NT kid. It would be a lot harder if we had 2 ND kids with v different needs.

We didn’t know that our first child was autistic when we had our second (although they were a high needs baby, friends assured me he’d grow out of it…). Second child is NT.
I’d love a third but I know I’m at my capacity. I thought we might just have a larger gap but I think we have decided.

I don't like the way the thread is titled but I'm going to answer anyway because the OP was less awful than the title.
I have ADHD diagnosed after I had DC1. DC1 is ND (awaiting diagnosis but we know it's either ADHD or ASD we just need to know which, or if both). We've known there was something different about DC1 since birth. I got PG with DC2 as soon as I could face DTD after having DC1, because I always wanted at least 2 and I had DC2 for the sake of DC2 not DC1, if you see what I mean. I didn't want DC1's needs to dictate family size and I was confident that if we had a second we would just have to make it work, and we have.

My first is ND, second NT. Anyway, I would think that if you are looking at a third, the issue is capacity. Your ND child will need your help more than a NT child, but a NT child needs help as well. So I would not have a third - due to your limited time/capacity etc in order to do your absolute best for the two you already have.

I only have one and when DD got diagnosed with ASD recently in her teens the Ed Psych said she was probably able to cope so well up until starting secondary school because our home life was so calm without the unpredictability of siblings.

However, had I not chosen to remain a single parent I would have happily had more children providing I could cope with them. I have a friend with 4 children, 3 of them have ASD and she has ASD and Adhd they are a lovely family and although I know its tricky sometimes at least from the outside they work well as a family unit.

I have a neighbour who has a child with a different disability and a toddler and she spends all day everyday shouting and swearing at them and clearly can't cope, I suspect she has LD herself and there simply isn't the help available. I don't think any of them have a good quality of life and it approaches verbal abuse most days although NSPCC etc don't appear interested.

I guess it's one of those cases where you don't know until you try, I would probably leave a good 5 year gap between them if I could. How are your patience levels? Are you quick to get frustrated etc as if you are likely to become a shouty parent it's not a good atmosphere for anyone. If your relationship is strong and you are a calm person than it might work well. Do you have the finances to have a big enough home so that everyone gets their own space, being on top of each other doesn't do anyone any favours either.

You're only the fourth reply and there's been no consensus among the people who did reply. So a lot of people on this thread think nothing of the sort.

My ND child with ADHD is actually easy compared to his NT younger brother who is an actual hurricane.

ND doesn't always equal hard work.

We had all our children before the eldest was diagnosed.

I can see where op is coming from, it's a question dh and I have asked ourselves many times. We have 2 dc, 1ND, 1NT, if we were to have another....could we spread ourselves enough with their needs so each child gets the care and attention they need. It's already hard to balance life and make sure each child's needs doesn't dominate the others.

It's a moot point for us as I would not go back to the baby days now myself, our children were very close in age and for a while development wise it was like having twins. We've found our balance, for now, as it's ever changing for each child. But I would never have another as I don't think it we could give what was needed without another falling through the cracks.

Dd was just turned 2 when dd2 was born. At that point we didn’t know dd1 had ASD, but it became apparent soon after. We had some very tough years with a 2 year age gap.

Had I known, would I have done anything differently? I would have thought about a bigger age gap. We didn’t cope for a few years.