If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

[Motherofamonkey]

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

My friend was advised by a gene specialist not to, as issues were likely to be worse in any further children.

Well this is exactly the difficulty, isn’t it? Every new person, regardless of neurotype, comes with their own needs. And when we bring a child into the world, we’re on the hook for whatever needs they have.

There’s nothing wrong with recognising when you’re already maxed out and can’t accommodate a new, unknown set of needs while still keeping everyone else in the household functional.

It doesn’t mean anything bad about the children in question, and it’s not anyone’s fault. Sometimes there is just not enough attention / energy / money / time / emotional capacity to go around.

This was the point I was trying to make earlier, no one seems to think of it in terms of if it's fair on the child

I absolutely DID think of myself when deciding not to have a third child. I was bloody knackered, I had no childcare for my autistic child, having a child with complex needs massively impacted my career and at times my mental health. I don’t think there is any shame in being honest about that. Having a third would have broken me.

Oh for goodness sake, no one has said that.

Absolutely! We have to think of ourselves because we need to be stable and functional enough to facilitate life for our existing ND kids!

It’s great to hear from families with multiple ND kids who
have manageable support needs, and everyone gets along, and the kids can attend school, so the parents can still work, so the family isn’t plunged into financial insecurity, and nobody has any life-threatening eating disorders / debilitating mental health issues / epilepsy or other serious physical health comorbidities / LD that will mean they won’t be able to live independently.

But those things are part of life for most multiplex families I know.

what makes having disabled children hard is the ridiculous lack of support. What causes the lack of support is that everyone believes they receive for example an education, or equipment, or access to healthcare or safe places to exercise and play.

My child is happy, we’re glad he was born and certainly don’t feel his life is intolerable. How we are treated often is. How you allow your taxes to be misspent is. The attitudes to his worth is.

It's been implied. Saying you couldn't do that to the child presupposes a ND has a crap life ahead. That's simply not true. Maybe for some it is but many have great and full lives. Some NTs go on to have crap lives. The spectrum is so wide. For most, ND is not so awful they would be better off not being born.

There are other things children can be born with, or develop during childhood or young adulthood, that are far harder than being ND. If you don't want to risk that, don't have children at all.

" saying you couldn't do that to the child "

What exactly do you mean by this? It is unclear.

Some have said they are considering the child when choosing not to risk having a ND child. Like the child's life would be so awful it is better for them they are not born. I know some are on the severe end but, for many, that's such a sad statement to make about the worth of a person. Maybe if your parent feels that way, it is better not to be born to them.
I just feel that people forget that life can change any moment. None of us really know what genes are lurking. Is your child worth less because they develop some disorder (physical or otherwise) one or two decades after their birth? I don't think so.

Just to be clear though, we all have our own reasons for choosing to have or not have children, or more children. We are all making a decision to bring someone into the world who is going to have struggles (guaranteed). Some more than others. We don't know what we are going to get, or how severe any kind of issue might be, until they are here. We might not know early in life.

When I had my children I was young and optimistic and hadn't seen that much of the world. Now I have, this is not a world I want to bring any further children into, ND or NT. I know life can be really tough, in many instances tougher for those with ND.

A couple of my children developed serious life long medical conditions in their teens. One died. I have reflected on this issue a lot. I brought them into this world and they've suffered. It seems so unfair but their personhood, who they are and their lives are not something I feel are worth less than anyone else's. I've just concluded that life is unfair, it's a struggle we're all in to more or less degrees, and I'm done with god.

I can't see an example of that, however it sounds like a very individual opinion from a personal experience, I don't think it is inherently wrong.

Our youngest is ND, I wouldn't consider having another child because his needs are so high I wouldn't be able to adequately look after another ND or NT child and still provide the level of care he needs.

I know of a few families where the parents have to live in separate houses with individual children because they are ND and have extremely differing needs and living together as siblings affects each child negatively.

These are real life challenges, you have to be practical in these choices because unfortunately support is not there and the world is set up to work against ND individuals.

@IsolatedWilderness

I think you have completely misunderstood, but if you think not considering how a disability would affect a child is reasonable then you are the one with the problem. Having children without considering how things could affect that child is one of the most selfish things you could do.

There is no way I would have another child but that can't be interpreted as I don't think my children are worthy. It means I don't want to risk having another disabled child who by the very definition of the ASD diagnosis will have deficits which will cause their lives to be fucking difficult. I have a teen DD who can't leave the house. I would never have chosen that.

Yes, that is a problem in this world.
What you have described is parents deciding not to have another child due to their own limitations. We all make those decisions when choosing to have a child. That's sensible.
I just feel that instead of saying they couldn't handle another child and instead dressing it up as not having a child for the child's sake, the implications are very different. Again, maybe a valid perspective. My experience with ND people is more towards the high-functioning end. Obviously a child that requires full time intense care is a different kettle of fish. In having any child though, there is the potential for that to happen. One accident or illness and you might be in that position. I think it's part of the risk we accept when we choose to become parents.

Maybe I am not understanding the intention but I agree that we have to consider everything before we decide to have a child. For many of us, the kids are born before we have an idea there is an issue though.

For many of us, the kids are born before we have an idea there is an issue though.

Quite, but the thread is about having further children

Fair point.

Great post.

And that there is more risk as they already have one child affected. In some cases more than one!

This is sad, and I did wonder and think about that as I was reading this thread. I know many people who end up being carers for their siblings. In fairness with the people I've know it was often the youngest who had the disability though

As a child of the 80s and 90s I can assure you, I was NOT better off undiagnosed. The trauma I experienced around education and the medical profession will be with me forever.

I can also assure you that a pushy parent cannot just get their child diagnosed. A small amount may be able to teach their child to emulate ND behaviours but factitious disorder imposed on another is very rare thankfully.

I was not better off not "labelled". Autism is about as much of a label as physical disabilities. Would you say the same to those of us who are trying to get a name (plus possible treatment) for our physical disabilities?

As a child of the 80s and 90s I can assure you, I was NOT better off undiagnosed. The trauma I experienced around education and the medical profession will be with me forever.

I could have written this.

Imagine if you can, @theblackradiator, being in a primary school in the early 80s, not understanding the world or your peers. Being terrified all day long. Trying so hard not to do anything wrong, to fit. Imagine being punished for your disability. One of the huge things I took comfort from when my children were going through the education system was the understanding they have. Nobody is being singled out and embarrassed by the teacher in front of others, nobody is being sent out of class to stand in the corridor, nobody is being treated negatively because if their disability. The trauma I suffered in school has stayed with me for life. Being a vulnerable young adult, not knowing how to protect myself (the knowing that no I am would have been enough) but getting into some very dangerous situations. I have been sexually assaulted multiple times. I have been raped repeatedly by a man who I thought was helping me - I was in my 30s before i realised woman in his 60s locking a 15/16 year old in his house and having sex with them was wrong.

Don't you dare act like a medical diagnosis that helps people understand and live their life in a way to protect themselves is a fucking label.

I was in my early 40s when I was diagnosed autistic and it was life changing. I don't say that lightly. It took me a long time to come to terms with my past and reframe things. The anger I feel towards both the education system and the men who took advantage when they realised I was an easy target hasn't left me.

I do live w happy and mostly quiet life now, I no longer have to pretend to anyone and you can frankly fuck right off with your dismissive garbage.

Oops too para was meant to bold