If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

[Motherofamonkey]

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

Woman - A MAN

@theblackradiator

Before anyone jumps on me I know Autism is a genuine thing and I do know people who clearly have very obvious autistic traits but I'm talking about children who clearly do not but no doubt with plenty pushing from parents will end up with a label of autism or Adhd. just have your kids and accept them for who they are.

This is such a weird thing to say. I accept my kids for who they are but they are disabled children who have w medical diagnosis which will help them understand themselves and navigate their way through life. It's not about accepting the children it's about doing what is right for them.

The idea that 'pushing form parents' will make a clinician diagnose autism or ADHD where it is not present. You are showing a high level of ignorance here. We are talking about a medical diagnosis, a lifelong disability, and you think pushy parents are doing this for what? Have you any idea how hard it is to go through this process?

Luckily my ND child is the youngest of 3 so I wouldn't want any more anyway. If I ever had wanted a fourth, I would not have had one on account of the fact that he is such hard work.

A diagnosis is not a label.

your post is ableist.

Mine are 2 years apart, I didn't know when dd1 was 15 months old even though in retrospect it was obvious then

@theblackradiator you ok hun?

I'm ND. Have an ND child who is a lot like me and whilst challenging will likely grow up to be independent. Have another child, born before we knew DC1 was ND who may also possibly be ND (waiting for assessment), again likely to be independent in time.

I would have liked more but this level of extra needs is hard enough especially with my own need for quiet, space etc. I also don't always feel I can split myself fairly between them, the younger one probably misses out on attention.

But the biggest thing that stopped me having more was the risk of having a child with very complex needs. I have worked supporting young people who can't live independently, are incontinent, hardly sleep, are violent... And I know I couldn't cope with a child like that*. I almost didn't have children at all because of the risk of it (and I didn't realise I was ND at the time as I was just told it was all MH issues due to lack of awareness. Had I known I perhaps wouldn't have taken the risk, but I'm glad I did).
*massive respect to those who do - And I realise you don't have a choice but to cope.

This is a question that is on the lips of many parents who have children with ASNs.

It’s not offensive in the slightest and I can tell you the thought of having a child with even greater needs than the one/s you have already can be terrifying.

I have a ND child and life can be exhausting. He is the youngest so cannot really answer the question. However as a parent of a ND child I wanted to say that the OP has a quite valid question - why cant she ask it here without people being offensive and deliberately misunderstanding.

I think this is best approached just as any decision to have a child is approached- do you want to? Do you have the mental and physical resources to? And so on. Having a ND child could be a factor in that decision but so could a lot of other things- plenty of NT children have complex needs, your personal circs will vary, etc etc. It might be a better way of thinking about the question than simply in terms of ND.

I think it's important people know their limitations.

I found out my son was ND when my second was 5 months old.

(22 months apart)

Reported my previous comment as I missed some bits out.

Having had an autistic sibling myself, I wouldn't continue to have more children as the risk of having another ND is too high and the existing children are already at a disadvantage in regards of sharing equal time with parents, attention etc

I agree with this 😂 I often say my 2nd child, who has ASD, is my easiest one.
He is affectionate, kind and always smiling.
My newborn is obviously a newborn, my 9yo DD has discovered eye rolling as responses recently and my 3yo son is a feral beast who spends 99.9% of his time thinking he is Thanos.

I had more after my 2nd because I wanted them. I felt able to cope and felt he would benefit from siblings. FWIW- I think he would struggle a lot more as an only. His siblings have helped him learn how to share, how to tolerate others in his space, he’s learnt so much language from them and how to take turns.
I do often think a lot of his progress has been because he has siblings. I have a friend who has a child the same age as him and they started off with very similar needs. The other child is an only child and has made significant less progress than my son and obviously gets much less interaction. I do often wonder whether being an only child has a bearing on this.

my 9yo DD has discovered eye rolling as responses recently

Hahaha love it. My 11yo loves a good eye roll and some heavy sighing.

Because despite knowing that something was definitely not typical about dc3 it took almost 15 years to get a formal diagnosis of ADHD and visual processing issues after years of waiting and jumping through every hoop known to man
DC4 was 12 at that point 🤷‍♀️

Ds was only 2 when we had dd and we didn't know he was ND. We didn't know that dh was ND either. We didn't know that half of the children in dhs family would go on to be diagnosed as ND. If we did I don't think it would have changed things. We would probably still have had 2. The kids are teens now and their needs are ever evolving, when ds was 14 he was diagnosed with ADHD on top of his ASD and dyspraxia diagnosis, dd has started secondary and I'm questioning whether she too has ASD but she is very against any suggestion that she might.

It's complex raising ND children, family dynamics especially when one or both parents might be ND too(as it is often hereditary) are complex often with needs that clash. I think it is only natural in those circumstances that you would have an extra pause when considering whether or not to add your family.

Thank you @Bagsundermyeyestoday my brother is now happy in a wonderful Mencap care home living a great life, but it took til his late sixties to get him there. I get very cross when I hear other parents say that they expect their children to look after their siblings.

Sounds like the chances of having a third with issues is likely if you already have two? Sorry to be harsh, but having a third and risking this is extremely selfish. It's so unfair to the unborn child. I'm surprised you would even consider this.

no, and a lot of the children I was at school with in the 80s and 90s have had really difficult lives that could possibly have been made a bit easier with better understanding and support when they were children.

I think whenever you have a child, you have to think through your capacity to care for it adequately, which might include things like your age, income, housing, career, relationship, health conditions and other children's needs.

It shouldn't be as hard as it is, but in many cases having a ND child is challenging in getting a diagnosis and accessing the right care/treatments/education etc. You need to have enough in the tank to take you through all that. Plus the energy to deal with challenges in sleep, behaviour etc.

I always planned 2 DC which I have - I'd have stopped at one if DC1 was ND, I think.

It is a bit offensive, actually.

the question of why I would have more children like my first ND child supposes that you think there is something wrong with my child, that their qualities are undesirable and I would not want to risk having another. I'm struggling to see how that isn't offensive.

I had three more.

Your brother is very lucky to have you. It's interesting reading this today as I now know a few families where the siblings look after the children (although I don't think it was intentional). I just know it's hard when you have parents to care for, a sibling would be so difficult, and a burden. Sorry I can't offer any comfort or help, except to say I'm sure your parents and brother appreciate you.

So does your child have struggles and is this something you wish they didn't have? And is it fair to have another child knowing they might have the same struggles? I think that's really what the conversation is about? It's not about you, it's about the child