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Original poster

If you have a child who is neurodivergent, why did you decide to have more

221 replies

Motherofamonkey · 15/04/2023 22:39

Hi,

I hope this isn't offensive, I really don't intend it to be.

My son 5 has ADHD and SPD, he is a handful. He's funny, brilliant and very clever, he just struggles with emotions and containing himself.
(Most of the boys in my family seem to be neurodivergent.)

I also have a DD 3 who seems to be neurotypical at the moment.

We always talked about having 3 and I would love another child but I'm so unsure about whether it's a good decision.

My son is a sensory seeker so he's loud, bouncy and chaotic. What if we have another child whose an avoider and then they just clash all the time?

If you had more after having a neurodivergent child, how did you come to the decision? Has it been difficult to balance their different needs?

Both of our families are very hands on and supportive. We have our own business so I can work around the children, they would love another sibling. Our family would feel complete. The unknown just seems very big.

Thank you

OP posts:
piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:32

Nicecow · 17/04/2023 12:29

So does your child have struggles and is this something you wish they didn't have? And is it fair to have another child knowing they might have the same struggles? I think that's really what the conversation is about? It's not about you, it's about the child

Show quote history

Yes, its about people questioning whether my child/ren should exist.

All children have struggles. Being ND does not mean your struggles are automatically worse than non ND people.

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 12:33

Being ND does not mean your struggles are automatically worse than non ND people.

You reckon?

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:34

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 12:33

Being ND does not mean your struggles are automatically worse than non ND people.

You reckon?

I don't reckon, I know.

It's so offensive to put every ND person in the category of automatically worse off.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families SEN
Nicecow · 17/04/2023 12:41

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:32

Yes, its about people questioning whether my child/ren should exist.

All children have struggles. Being ND does not mean your struggles are automatically worse than non ND people.

Show quote history

Ok well thats great, because usually people say they need a diagnosis, and extra help and people need to be accepting of this behaviour etc etc so that makes it seem very serious and it makes me wonder why people are chooskng to risk this because on the face of it, it seems unfair to the child.

ladykale · 17/04/2023 12:41

Boxin · 15/04/2023 23:13

This thread is incredibly uncomfortable.
I’m glad my parents had me (ND) after having my ND sibling. Sounds like a lot of the people on here think ND lives are worth less than their ideal child.

Not really.

It's like having parents with two disabled children if they would have a third.

Doesn't mean they don't love their two children but extra time, effort and catering is needed to meet the needs of those two children, and it's like a third would mean that the parents would be less able to cater.

Find it crazy that people don't ask these types of Qs enough before they have kids:

  1. Do I have the financial resource to care for an extra child
  2. Do I have the time to meet the child's needs?
  3. Am I willing to make the required sacrifices?
  4. Do I have a stable enough relationship to bring a new child into the world?
  5. Can I provide adequate food and housing

The above should be the BARE MINIMUM before a planned pregnancy!

Lovethetub · 17/04/2023 12:43

I have two ND children both with very different needs, I had my second as we wanted another child and wanted our eldest to have a sibling. I didn’t even question the fact we had an ND child, it wasn’t something that really played on my mind. My children are perfect as they and are wonderful. We would have had a third however financially it just wasn’t possible.

CheeseMcKnees · 17/04/2023 12:49

I only wanted two, NT or not. No way could we afford 3 thankfully!

Nicecow · 17/04/2023 12:52

ladykale · 17/04/2023 12:41

Not really.

It's like having parents with two disabled children if they would have a third.

Doesn't mean they don't love their two children but extra time, effort and catering is needed to meet the needs of those two children, and it's like a third would mean that the parents would be less able to cater.

Find it crazy that people don't ask these types of Qs enough before they have kids:

  1. Do I have the financial resource to care for an extra child
  2. Do I have the time to meet the child's needs?
  3. Am I willing to make the required sacrifices?
  4. Do I have a stable enough relationship to bring a new child into the world?
  5. Can I provide adequate food and housing

The above should be the BARE MINIMUM before a planned pregnancy!

Show quote history

Surely if you had two disabled children, and it there was a high chance you might have a third you shouldn't do it? I don't think your questions cover this. Just because a parent can look after a third, is it fair for the child? It's sad reading this thread that the child and their quality of life and happiness doesn't seem to even factor. You need another question:

  1. Is it fair for the child?
piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:54

ladykale · 17/04/2023 12:41

Not really.

It's like having parents with two disabled children if they would have a third.

Doesn't mean they don't love their two children but extra time, effort and catering is needed to meet the needs of those two children, and it's like a third would mean that the parents would be less able to cater.

Find it crazy that people don't ask these types of Qs enough before they have kids:

  1. Do I have the financial resource to care for an extra child
  2. Do I have the time to meet the child's needs?
  3. Am I willing to make the required sacrifices?
  4. Do I have a stable enough relationship to bring a new child into the world?
  5. Can I provide adequate food and housing

The above should be the BARE MINIMUM before a planned pregnancy!

Show quote history

You're assuming that being ND is a disability. That's exactly what I am talking about; it's offensive.

I can assure you that my ND children do not consider themselves disabled, or any more or less valuable than their non-ND siblings. I will try and keep the fact from them that so many of you think that they are of less worth.

CoffeeWithCheese · 17/04/2023 12:59

tona79 · 15/04/2023 23:58

As a teacher I find the whole "neurodivergent" thing very sad, when I was at school in the 90's, there were no children in my year who were labelled, what there was, the typical mix that makes up a world, no need to slap a label on, just roll with it - I have been told more than once by a friends hubby who is a "psychologist" that I'm probably autistic, so what if I am, or am not, can't see what it achieves to label, and if I am by the number of us they have unearthed it doesn't appear to be rare, so maybe is just part of the spectrum of normal?

What is good is to recognise that the world is made up of all sorts of people with different traits, and from my end different learning styles, ways of interacting and go with the flow.

That's funny because when I was at school in the 80s/90s - I can remember:
Having my head smacked off the playground to the point I have a scar to this day on my forehead (slightly less glam than Harry Potter)
Having worms shoved down my top because I was "odd"
Having my playtimes taken away for an entire year because I found the social politics of the playground hard to manage (not in a disruptive sense) and being made to dust every single reading book in the entire school to keep me "busy" during those times (fuck you Biff, Chip and Kipper). Think that might have been the year as well the school really wanted to keep me out of the way - so they hid me behind a filing cabinet in the classroom for an entire year sat on my own - I don't recall that I'd done anything to warrant this treatment - my face just didn't fit.
Walking along the corridor the Y10 form rooms were based in as a new Y7 and being grabbed by two mahoosive Y10 kids dragging me into their classroom to show their mates "you've got to see this kid - she's sooooo weird"
Trying to walk 4 miles home every night without my mum knowing in order to avoid the hell that was the bus for the eternal "ask the really strange girl questions for giggles" game
When I did brave the bus - getting off beaten up because I'd looked at someone "funny"

But all school thought was that I was cheeky sometimes, bright (so they didn't give a shit cos I was going to get the grades), and actually told me "Your suffering will bring you closer to Our Lord Jesus" (fucking Catholics) when I told them what was going on.

I was finally diagnosed as autistic in my 40s after my own child was diagnosed. So don't give me that shite about there not being autistic people back in the 90s and no one stood out or struggled - because for many of us it was fucking hell.

Considering there was a bloody VILE thread the other day about how horrific it is to have an autistic sibling (started out about the Vanish advert and very rapidly descended into calls to institutionalise autistic kids and how we're all awful uncaring monsters) - I'm suspicious here as well.

As for my kids - one has an autism diagnosis, awaiting assessment for ADHD; the other is awaiting assessments for ADHD and/or autism - wouldn't have another child because of the logistics of having another child and biological clocks ticking - their neurological makeup does not factor into that consideration at all - they both irritate and adore the shit out of each other equally.

CoffeeWithCheese · 17/04/2023 13:05

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:34

I don't reckon, I know.

It's so offensive to put every ND person in the category of automatically worse off.

Show quote history

Yep - I'm definitely not worse off for being autistic - now I've got into a career where I can use it and also manage my overload levels - it's a bloody asset for me in my job. Means I think about things in a different way to lots of the team and also that I can quite often relate to service users in a different way - the reactions when some of my autistic clients find out that they've got a professional sat with them who is openly autistic themselves is amazing - there's not the need to explain endlessly about hyper fixation, or that the lights are being too noisy and buzzy... that loop we can tend to end up in of apologising for our brains gets stopped.

Quitelikeit · 17/04/2023 13:22

Gosh some people are interpreting this thread in the opposite direction

OP in all honesty as you have one child with needs there’s basically a 50/50 chance you will have another.

If you have a ND child and it didn’t occur to you to wonder if your next child might be ND then that is fine and ok for you

However it does not mean that those of us who do wonder and question this are in some way bad or wrong

I mean there are children who require 24 hour care! Fgs and you would question their parents questing whether taking that risk knowing it could be the future for their next child?

I mean how is that unreasonable

jeez

CrotchetyCrocheting · 17/04/2023 13:32

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:54

You're assuming that being ND is a disability. That's exactly what I am talking about; it's offensive.

I can assure you that my ND children do not consider themselves disabled, or any more or less valuable than their non-ND siblings. I will try and keep the fact from them that so many of you think that they are of less worth.

Show quote history

I find your posts pretty offensive to be honest. You are the only one I can see here that is equating disabled to being of less value or less worth. There is nothing wrong with having a disability, you are making it out to be something dirty. You really need to look at your prejudice.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 13:37

Yes, I'm the one equating it, even though my comment was DIRECTLY CONTRADICTING SOMEONE WHO EQUATED IT.

Lovethetub · 17/04/2023 13:51

Nicecow · 17/04/2023 12:52

Surely if you had two disabled children, and it there was a high chance you might have a third you shouldn't do it? I don't think your questions cover this. Just because a parent can look after a third, is it fair for the child? It's sad reading this thread that the child and their quality of life and happiness doesn't seem to even factor. You need another question:

  1. Is it fair for the child?
Show quote history

But why shouldn’t we? I stopped at 2 children due to financial reasons but would have loved a third. Both my children are ND and we handle their very different needs well. If I was to choose to have a third then that doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair on any my children. Yes, considerations should be made on if you have the capacity to care for another child who would potentially be ND. Those considerations should be made anyway when thinking of having multiple children, ND or not.

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:04

I don't reckon, I know.

It's so offensive to put every ND person in the category of automatically worse off.

I wasn't really talking about being better/worse off. Of course NT people have struggles. The difference is neurological though, so the problem is different as is the management.

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:05

I find your posts pretty offensive to be honest. You are the only one I can see here that is equating disabled to being of less value or less worth. There is nothing wrong with having a disability, you are making it out to be something dirty. You really need to look at your prejudice.

100% this.

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:10

You're assuming that being ND is a disability. That's exactly what I am talking about; it's offensive.

I'm mean generally it is.

I can assure you that my ND children do not consider themselves disabled, or any more or less valuable than their non-ND siblings. I will try and keep the fact from them that so many of you think that they are of less worth.

I don't know what your children conditions are but autism and ADHD are considered disabilities. It doesn't matter whether you or I or the next person agree with that or not, under law they are disabilities. If you meet the criteria for a diagnosis of autism you by default meet the definition of disabled. You can't change the facts.

SouthCountryGirl · 17/04/2023 14:22

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 12:33

Being ND does not mean your struggles are automatically worse than non ND people.

You reckon?

Well not every disabled person is ND

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:26

Well not every disabled person is ND

Of course. Sorry I was just posting on n the context of being ND or not.

OneFrenchEgg · 17/04/2023 14:38

Technically they aren't specifically included as a disability, unlike cancer, MS, HIV etc (see also blind people). So if the assessment didn't tally with the definition I guess you wouldn't be disabled if you didn't consider yourself to be, and wouldn't be protected by the Act.

You’re disabled under the Equality Act 2010 if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a ‘substantial’ and ‘long-term’ negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities.

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:40

OneFrenchEgg · 17/04/2023 14:38

Technically they aren't specifically included as a disability, unlike cancer, MS, HIV etc (see also blind people). So if the assessment didn't tally with the definition I guess you wouldn't be disabled if you didn't consider yourself to be, and wouldn't be protected by the Act.

You’re disabled under the Equality Act 2010 if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a ‘substantial’ and ‘long-term’ negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities.

You don't meet the criteria for an autism diagnosis without also meeting that definition though.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 14:44

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:40

You don't meet the criteria for an autism diagnosis without also meeting that definition though.

Show quote history

ND does not mean autism and only autism

brooksidebackside · 17/04/2023 14:44

ND does not mean autism and only autism

I know. I didn't suggest otherwise.

Tumbleweed101 · 17/04/2023 16:48

I guess if you already have a ND child you have to consider how much support the current child needs and may need in future against you ability to provide the same support and maybe more to another child as well as manage everything else such as work, house keeping etc.

I think it's likely a very personal decision based on your family capabilities. Also consider if you became a single parent- do you have support outside your partner if it ever was needed?